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female
age
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*ollyness
writes:This is a long one. I met a guy who was still married but separated, long distance to boot, but we fell very much in love. We were together for two years, but I believed he would need to have some alone time since I was the first person he dated after the split, and sure enough, he told me one morning he needed to be alone for a while. It was hard on me, but I was graceful and told him I wished him well.I asked him not to contact me or answer anything I might send to him until I was certain I could wish him well if he found someone. But he sent me a present for xmas. For the next year, he would come to town and it was just really easy to be with him. I started dating someone, not because I was over him but because I wanted to get over him. I felt like he was just keeping me in his orbit so that he could come back if he wanted.we talked often. So about a year into the breakup, we are still seeing each other sporadically and talking often, he comes out for a Christmas party and we have a wonderful time, and he goes home. All of a sudden he just stopped talking. Sent me a text for Christmas. I was upset and responded in kind. He completely stopped talking to me. Sent me a text for my birthday, in january. Finally I wrote him an email and asked the inevitable--have you met someone. He had. Said it wasn't serious. It really drove me into a serious depression. In Feb, I called him because my cat died. We talked a long time, but he was still seeing this girl, said she was just someone to go out with, etc. I'm still depressed, and now he does not initiate any contact but does respond when I text and has called when I've asked him to. Last time we talked, he said the girl is now his girlfriend, and when I asked why he just stopped talking to me, he said he had just moved on, that I had a boyfriend and he just decided to let go. He told me he thinks of me often and that he had been really madly in love, but that he needed to date other people because our relationship was to the point (in his mind) where the next step was a real commitment, and he simply wasn't ready. He also said that he was doing what I wanted him to. He said we could be friends, but he obviously wouldn't be able to talk sometimes.So I need to know how to deal with this. He has moved on, and she lives where he does, and he doesn't initiate contact but always replies. We had an amazing relationship--we just fit together. There was no conflict (outside of the occasional tiff) and no cheating on each other. We talked all the time, even about the hard stuff.I want him to pick me. I want to stay in his orbit, but I don't know whether or not I really should. He still cares about me, but his priority is the new gf. What should I do?
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female
reader, 48years  +, writes (5 May 2009):
 I think most men would prefer to chew and swallow tin foil than to tell an ex that he wants to end it.
A
female
reader, hollyness +, writes (1 May 2009):
hollyness is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. Over the course of the last few months, I have told him I am still in love with him and asked him if he loves the new gf. He says he doesn't and that he never does the things he used to do with me, that he never had before either (he liked to send me little gifts.)
One of the things that really made me fall for this guy is the way he treats his ex--very respectful and kind to her, still helps her out when she needs it, and makes a concerted effort to be her friend, and his putting his gf's feelings ahead of mine is a good thing (for her) because he does have a strength of character that shows in that. I used to have that priority.
If the relationship had not lasted for two years instead of a few months, I would easily have understood it and accepted it as a rebound. It may have started that way, but it grew into a very solid, very loving relationship. The long distance thing didn't bother either of us, we were in constant contact. I really want to believe I'm a victim of timing and had until he just stopped talking to me. That was completely out of the realm of any experience I had ever had with him. He had always, until he met her, been so very kind.
I also said I hope he gives me a chance sometime when he is completely available instead of in that transition between married and single. He said he doesn't know whether or not he will come back and that he doesn't want me to hope. It is all horribly confusing.
I think you all have solidified my own thoughts. the energy is coming from me now. At some point in the last few months, the energy shifted.
I wish there were some magic spell that would end this sadness. But I really do thank all of you for helping me to see from different perspectives.
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A
female
reader, 48years +, writes (30 April 2009):
I'm so sorry, honey. It hurts like hell to be treated like you're nothing.
He doesn't want to be the bad guy, and he doesn't want to hut the door completely just in case he gets lonely, so he responds when you call.
It's not like he's playing games because he secretly cares for you...thinking like that makes you crazy... In reality, he not only ditches you in a back-handed way, he also makes you feel it's your fault cause you had a fella.
Thank God and be glad you're NOT his girlfriend because this guy plays games.
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A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (30 April 2009):
 I admire the fact that he is loyal to his new girl friend.. But in order for you to move on - I think you should talk to him some more.. I think you need to know if the door is good and shut. Have you asked him if he loves his girl friend? Have you asked him if the reason why he doesn't want to have the relationship with you - is that he is really afraid of the commitment or the distance? Thirdly, just so there will not be any misunderstanding - I think you should tell him exactly how you feel about him.. If you are in love with him, you should tell him.. You have nothing to lose.. If he tells you that he doesn't feel the same - then that will give you the freedom to move on with your life... or no matter what he tells you - you will have at least planted the seed with him.. Leave the door completely open for him in the spirit .. Then if you wish to move on .. you can temporarily busy yourself with self improvement things .. such as a gym or classes or go to a church .. I feel that once you have fallen head over heels in love with someone, it is hard to replace them .. and not fair to the replacement if you don't feel the same way about him.. Pray that God will bring you the desires of your heart .. Love califnan
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): The problem I see here is that you kept talking to him. You didn't set him free "per se", he broke free and you had to deal with it. But you still talked to him. And unless I misunderstand, towards the end it seems like you are initiating all the convos. Anyway, the energy seems to be trending all from your side.
Guys see this.. Maybe not as much as girls can, but we still notice usually if a girl is sweating us. Whether we are interested or not, is another matter.
You shoulda cut this man off cold turkey. Then he would have really had to question the validity of his choice. As it is, all the energy is coming from you, and he's feeding off of it.
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (30 April 2009):
 If things are meant to be, they will be. You might need to accept you were a rebound thing, he seems to have spent his time moving on where you have spent your time waiting for him to come back to you. I would concentrate on moving on also, don't hold out any hopes he'll come back. If he does, and you still want him, great. Like you said, it seemed to you like he would keep in contact every so often so you were there as a backup plan.
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