A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupids,This is more of a friendship question. but really keen to get your wisdom and advice!I have always had very good friendships during my life but have definitely noticed a pattern where I prefer to stick to having a couple of very close friendships and like 1-1 time rather than big groups and a lot of distant friends. I’m sure a lot of you can empathise with that! I’m 30 and I have probably about 4 friends who I can count on for anything. They’re my ‘best’ friends and we give each other equal energy. I moved away a couple of years back and left my close friends who are now all scattered away across the country. Some in Scotland, one in London, etc. Since I’ve moved to the city, I’ve made a couple of pals over the years but I’m not enjoying being too close to them. A lot of the friends I’ve made usually just ask me how I am just because they realise they talk about themselves all the time and to be honest, I’ve been through some life changing events recently which has made me realise that I should value my time so much more. I have a stressful job and during my downtime I like to spend quality time with my partner or quite frankly be by myself doing peaceful things and going to the gym. I have a friend who I know from my past job and she is constantly messaging me trying to meet up. At first when we got to know each other I really enjoyed her company, she is absolutely lovely and we’re very similar. But I’ve noticed certain things like she likes to gossip a lot and whatever I do in my spare time she copies, even says the exact same phrases or viewpoints as me that I’ve said in previous conversations..She assumes that I’ll be hanging out with her at the weekends and I feel very very suffocated. I’ve noticed this over the past couple of years - potentially since lockdown..that I push people away and don’t like anyone to rely too much of me. My close friendships back home are different. I would do anything for them and because we don’t see each other, when we do it’s the best. and Now my question is, is this a bad thing? I’m worried that I’m just being too sensitive and finding things to get annoyed by in order to keep people at arms length, but I’m not sure how healthy this is - or if I should just accept that this is who I am and that’s ok.Anyone else feel this and can relate? Or do you think it’s worth me trying to soften a little? Thanks in advance! xxxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 July 2023):
 Sounds like you are more of an introvert, you get "drained" from having company, not energized.
I'm the same with most people. I have two "best" friends who never feel drained, I could spend hours and hours with them and see them again the next day :) Other people, I need a longer "break" from. Not that there is anything "wrong" with them, but interactions with them drain me.
You have to find a balance that works for you (and the friend) - I think letting them know that you are a "social introvert" in certain social situations and it isn't them. Just how you function best.
None of my friends has an issue with it. Those who didn't like it I actually don't talk to anymore. Just occasional birthday and Christmas cards.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2023): You sound quite a lot like me, though I am female and older. A lot of the people I meet seem to be wanting to be in groups with just anyone, it does not occur to them that they should have similar hobbies or things in common, they would sit with a cardboard cut out that looks like a person rather than be alone. I prefer to be with one person at a time and I am very picky, if I cannot be with someone who has similar values and ideas and personality etc I would rather read a good book. People moan about me being picky but these are always the ones who have nothing to offer - who just want to pop in and bore me when bored etc, not ones where it would be a two way street or I would enjoy it too. Be nice to good friends and don't bother with users or others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2023): I think it's ok . You do have a partner, you do have good friends, you do have "lesser" friends and social acquaintances.Just ,you are not too much of a people 's person , you are not an extrovert. You like your own company, and you enjoy the time you spend alone doing stuff that not necessarily requires company.
I cannot see anything wrong with that, maybe because I am the same :).But I am far from antisocial! You should see me at parties, I talk to everybody, I tell jokes, I make people laugh ...I totally shine. It's just that , very seldom I 'll be in the mood of going to a party , if you know what I mean.
Although, in only apparent contraddiction, I think it's always worthy softening a bit our sharp(est) edges. It does not mean forcing yourself to tolerate bad people, or people who is incompatibile with you. Just realizing that we are all flawed ,imperfect human beings, and that if in general we get along with somebody, maybe we can be ok with some minor faults , because , same as there is no Prince Charming or flawless ,perfect lover - equally I don't think one can find his/her ideal twin flame in friendship too. We have to make adjustments-all those we can make without compromising our integrity, self respect and general wellbeing.
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