A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really hoping nobody will judge me but I have some problems and I don't know why this is going on with me. Please give me your honest opinions.I've been with my boyfriend for almost 1 year. We are in a long distance relationship for the most part. We have met and everything and it's a very serious relationship for both of us. We have plans for the future but it will still be a little while before that happens. My problem is I'm very dependent on my boyfriend. I seem to have a lot of anxiety and insecurity within my relationship. I worry a lot that I'm not good enough and that he will find somebody better. There are several girls my boyfriend knows in his own town who have admitted they like him and want to be with him and I feel really threatened by them even though my boyfriend says he doesn't want them.I get paranoid when he talks to other girls. I am not scared of him cheating because he's not the type to do that, but I am scared of losing him or him losing interest in me.I don't have many friends of my own like my boyfriend does so I spend a lot of time talking on the phone and video chatting with him. I'm not anti-social but I don't really know many people at all except a couple of people at my work but they have busy lives and not really the type to hang out outside of work or anything. I've talked about this a little with my boyfriend but not a lot because I don't want to give him problems or come off as crazy. I really hate that I am this way, I just want to be happy with my boyfriend but all of these problems I'm having is keeping me from being happy with him and just having fun with him. I really love him and I don't want to ruin my relationship.Does anyone have any opinions about this???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): I am in a long distance relationship also and I am feeling some of what you are feeling. Although I do have friends and family and I socialize with others, he has stepped up like no one else in my life so it hurts me when I don't hear from him even for a whole day. We haven't even met yet and I am already feeling insecure. I don't think he would ever cheat because he says he loves me. You don't want to become too dependent on him because you need to develop a social circle of your own. I'm just going to say that a man should never
make a woman feel this way and sometimes they don't realize it when they are saying things or bragging that they can get
another woman. It's just an ego thing. If you become more confident within yourself he will see that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): You're expecting too much from having a relationship and putting too much into it. You don't mention if you have a clinically-diagnosed social anxiety disorder; but your
description of yourself says you should seek an evaluation from a mental-health professional; just to rule out the possibility.
If you do, you are not equipped to handle a long-distance relationship. It's far too much of an emotional-strain on someone like you. It's like locking insulin on a high shelf in a glass cabinet away from a diabetic. You know it's there, you depend on it for your life; but it's out of reach.
You never really learned how to make friends and how to socialize among a social circle of people. That would be necessary to feel a sense of yourself and wholeness. It takes the two of you, for you to exist at all. Being entirely dependent on your boyfriend like you do.
So your boyfriend and "a relationship" means everything to you. He represents the only "social connection" you have in your life. So naturally you feel threatened that he may leave; of someone will take him away from you.
When you entered a relationship; you had very little to contribute to it yourself. You needed someone to rescue you from loneliness.
You chose a "long-distance" relationship; and wonder why you feel anxious? That's not for anxious people.
You aren't equipped for that. You must have met this guy
online. You might be feeding on the agony for the drama. Just a slight bit of a drama-queen. Pining away most of your waking hours over this guy who's miles away.
Unless you give it up, it is might consume you. Everything depends on the future. You have no fulfillment for the present. That is very sad.
You mentioned absolutely nothing regarding your family-life in your post. Someone your age doesn't usually live on their own so soon. They either live at home, or they are a student. I hope you have a good family-support system.
You rely on him for everything. Without knowing your own power and what impact you could have on the other people around you. Instead, you focus completely on one person. Your boyfriend.
You are very young, and never really learned to be independent. Even if you may live on your own. You reached out to him to fill the void.
So you depend heavily on having a "boyfriend."
Being in a relationship is what you feel cures all your weaknesses. Having a guy makes you feel "safe." Your insecurity is still there; because nature is trying to tell you that you are too dependent on things outside yourself.
I'm not judging you. It's explaining your worry and anxieties. Most of it stems from being too far from your mate.
You really should join a club or find intellectual stimulation outside of clinging to a man. Your situation is slow torture; and what you need is a guy you can spend more time with in-person. You might be too clingy for that as well.
Finding your own niche, dating locally, and making some friends is the only cure for your situation. That, and
getting checked for an anxiety disorder. I would recommend ending the long-distance relationship. You really can't deal with it. You have too much self-work to do.
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