A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm finding out how our childhoods impact us in our adult life!I moved in with my b/f about 10 months ago, thinking he was such a darling man. Since that time, I've come to see that he's controlling, harsh, critical and a perfectionist. After meeting his family, I realize that his Dad was hard on the kids, rarely ever praising them, or showing love and affection. He was abusive and mean, especially to the oldest boy, my boyfriend. The mother, though sweet and caring on the surface, no doubt spent her days trying to keep "Dad" happy, and had little love and affection to dole out to the 6 six kids they had. My boyfriend had to grow up quick and subsequently, left home at an early age.I think my b/f has alot of anger issues stemming from his childhood and the abuse he endured, yet he speaks of us father as if he's the greatest man on the earth. At times though, my b/f has fits of controllable rage and says he hates himself. I've considered leaving him because I really don't want the drama and high-maintenance I think it's going to take to be with him - On the other hand, I love him dearly and I want so much to help him. I feel true compassion for what he's gone through in his life and I don't want to be another tragic ending in his life. There have been so many women who have come and gone in his life that his heart has become hardened. I want to help him heal from these wounds, but I am ill-equipped and he refuses to get counseling. (Says he's been there-done that!)What should I do?....Stay?....Or get out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): It sounds like your bf suffered from some form of emotional abuse as a child (maybe minor, maybe major) or something like it, and that can have really lasting impacts on a person. The fact that he idolizes his father isn't surprising; kids from abusive homes almost always grow up to play the role of either victim or abuser in their own life, and they often mimic the parent that shares their gender. If my sense of your bf's childhood is right from the few details you've shared here, i'd say he's walking a dangerously thin line separating him from becoming abusive.
That said, I don't think he's a bad guy at all.
I'd suggest getting and reading a short book called "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverly Engel; It's $10ish on amazon; $25 if you get it from e-books.com and download it immediately. It will help you make the decisions you need to make, even if your bf is unwilling to look at it with you. (And i think you should look at it on your own before deciding whether to share it w/ him)
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