A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Need help. Is this considered cheating?My fiance and I are 3 months away from the BIG day. I'm 29 and he's 38. Never married and no kids. We're having a coed bechalor/bechalorette party in Las Vegas. We're best friends so we figured it would be fun to celebrate together. Two of the nights are going to be coed as there will be several couples and one of the nights the we will be apart.So I started a conversation about 'boundaries' last night. It's never too early, I'm slightly conservative and it's good to discuss prior than be upset after, right?The conversation did not go well. We ended up in a heated argument with him yelling at me. He never yells! Basically he is saying that I am controlling him, that the whole situation will be out of his control and he does not want to look weak infront of his friends. I'm OK with lapdances, but he says that his friends and brothers will probably buy him VIP dances or even private dances in a booth for 30 minutes/1 hour with a stripper. He says that is what happens and its out of the bechalors control.Thats fine I said, but I'm not too keen on these private VIP dances. As long as his hands and mouth are off the stripper I can handle it. He then tells me that kissing her breasts or touching her all over is not cheating!! Seriously? It is my definition of cheating!!! HE says its not his definition, it never has been.So I ask him when he goes to the VIP room is that what will happen. He can't answer for sure, but if it does its not cheating. So I freak out and ask him in that case whether I can get my breasts kissed and can I rub my hands all over my male stripper in a private booth.He freaks out saying he can't handle the visual and that NO I CANT, THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED CHEATING. I ask how can it be cheating when that is exactly what he will be doing?According to him, if you're giving kisses or rubbing someone else, thats not cheating. If you're receiving and your body is being used, than it is cheating. So, if a stripper kissed his chest it would be cheating, if he kisses hers, NO. My fiance is nuts! I told him I'm not even close to comfortable with the idea of him having a vip 30 minute/1 hour 'experience' kissing and touching and grinding a naked girl with only her panties on. That it completely crosses all boundaries and morals I have and that I wouldn't go through with the CHURCH ceremony if he betrays me like that.He proceeds to get worked up saying that he knows how I feel and wouldn't intentionally hurt me. He'd draw the line where I've mentioned, however its not his definition of cheating and he's sticking to it. We ended up yelling and hanging up.Its the most immature argument I've ever had, but honestly - how can kissing a strippers breasts and touching her body not be cheating? In Las Vegas they're very liberal and this is a norm in the private/vip areas. How can I trust him?Today he is saying that I'm controlling and have invaded his whole life and his thinking. That I don't let him be his own man.I'm so socked that we don't match up in this area of morality. We're always in agreement on things. So now, I'm threatening to call off the wedding because our morals are not compatible and he has canceled the party with his brother who is planning it.He's so angry saying he has doubts about us. I'm upset because I can't believe he's wanting to have an intimate sexual experience with a stripper in a VIP/Private booth. It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it!Help! Is this cheating? How should I proceed without getting so emotional and upset about it??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lawmonkey  +, writes (24 March 2013):
OMG, yes it is cheating. I have no issues with my husband going to a strip club on a stag night with pals which clearly you are okay with too. However touching another woman in a sexual way is completely cheating. So he is giving you a free pass to give a stripper a bj as its his body being used and not yours?! At 38 years old he should know better and is chancing his arm. He probably thinks you will back down for the sake of the wedding. He will do as he pleases anyway and miss out the details you don't want to hear. The issue is that you will worry about this and it will ruin your night, it will cause trust issues in your relationship and could cause the breakdown of your marriage, if u choose to go through with it. I definately think that if you cannot both discuss it without an argument then you need to seek professional help. You mentioned having a church wedding, did they not do compatibility tests? We had one and then through marriage classes etc they discuss with u any problems they feel may arise. Good luck x
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