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male
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*ecentguy1
writes:Hi,I'm in my late 30's, she's in her mid 20's and wereally truly fell hard in love with one another..I knowshe loves me deeply..okay, question...We have been on a break for 2 and a 1/2 months. I know, it seems long, but I took a break initially for the same time when we first met (long story but she stayed with me). Anyhow, I heard she was seeing someone. I asked her and she said no, I would tell you if it was so. But she said there was someone who liked her, but he was a bit strange and she didn't have any interest. Okay fine. That was 1 month ago. The other day, our mutual close friend, J, saw a movie with her. I asked him casually, since he knows about our break, if she was still seeing that guy. He said I think so, but emphasized she told him she did NOT love him, and he was boring. Okay fine.I love her, and want her back, so I accept she can do what she wants now.Prior to my asking J, we haven't had much contact. But out of the blue she asked me to dinner 2 weeks ago. It was wonderful, and the sparks were flying, and she agreed. I had a trip to take that week, and when I came back, she was leaving the next day on her vacation. Anyhow, she and I kept in touch these past 2 weeks via e-mail..very positive. Suprisingly to me, she called me on the phone Saturday night to say she was thinking of me, and how was the wedding I was in. I told her fine, and my escort was boring. She said good, I don't need any competition...really great conversation, and she said she'll call this week when she's back. It seems like she's finally coming around, and wants me again. All the people who know us agree. Now, here is the problem.She sent me an e-mail forward, and I noticed the guy she is seeing, or whatever you call it, was also on the forward list. She didn't realize I saw that. Am I overreacting? Should I mention it to her? Or do I let her come to me, and calmly tell her I know? Help please! I want to marry her, and I know she loves me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005): It sounds like to me, she loves you very much. Correct me if I'm wrong but am I understanding from your letter, that she dated this guy, while the two of you were in a break-up phase? If so, then, she was well within her right to date whom she chose? She found him boring, she was not interested in nothing more than being a friend to him. Now, she has him on her e-mail mailing list. And you are upset because you discovered she sends him e-mails along with her other friends, on that list. There are ways you can deal with your girlfriend's new friendship without having to be jealous and jumping the gun, here. Try understanding the reasons and meanings behind your gf's friendship with this man. Being in a relationship never means that you 'own' your partner and you don't have permission to start changing things about her, and choosing her friends for her, which is why it is so important, you evaluate your situation based on what type of history you have with her. Has she ever given you a reason to be untrustworthy in the past? Has she ever cheated on you, in the past? What you should focus on is the reasons behind her friendship with this man. It could very well just be that your girlfriend carries a good self-confident outgoing personality, is an independent person, makes friends easily and chooses her own friends. In these cases, it would be best to get in touch with your own self-confidence to prevent insecurity, and learn to accept whom she chooses as her friends.
Being friends with this man she dated briefly, does not necessarily mean that your gf wants to go and cheat on you with him. If you trust her fully, her friendship with him, will not create a temptation to cheat for her and you should allow your security and trust in her, to grow on this fact.
However, if this friendship truly bothers you and you find that you cannot continue a relationship that includes such behavior, then the best thing you could ever do is be straightforward with your partner. Having an honest and open discussion about it will be of much more help instead of you just getting angry and bottling up your feelings and blowing up later down the road when you have reached the ultimate limit. Tell your gf that you feel hurt when she sends emails to this man. Asking her why she feels the need to continues to have this friendship with him, will hopefully paint a clearer picture for you. Without giving your gf ultimatums, tell her that you cannot accept that and you would love it if the two of you could meet somewhere in the middle.
You teach people how to treat you and the relationship, and by keeping quiet over the things that bother you, like this friendship, you will only cheat yourself and your partner from experiencing a relationship you both deserve. It is obligatory that you always continue to be honest with yourself and your gf about the feelings you feel and thoughts you think. Sometimes you will not always get the results you were hoping for. Perhaps your gf will refuse to stop her friendship with this guy because she might feel she has the right to be friends with whom she chooses. But you do have the right to tell her how it makes YOU feel. As the person who is committed to be in a relationship with you, your gf should always care about how you feel and think about the things that transpire in your relationship. And you must give her the same respect in return. She would never want to continue doing anything that would make you upset, disappointed, jealous or insecure in any way. This could mean her letting go of this friendship, but that will be a decision both of you should talk about. Your gf cannot change who she is, but she can show her interest and care about how you feel and can put in the best effort she can to make you feel better. Still, if she refuses to change or to lessen an activity that causes you distress, then perhaps it is time you re-think of whether or not this is the right relationship for you.
Dealing with this, can be easy or it can be extremely stressful and damaging to your self-esteem. It all depends on your personality as well. To determine what is best for you, you must get in touch with yourself and ask the questions necessary for you to find the best answers. If you do not want to lose your partner but do not like the friendship then you need to make a choice to either learn to accept this, or exit the relationship and find someone who will not arouse your jealousy and insecurity. But remember jealousies and insecurities are about control..not love and she may recognize this about you. Or you can trust her enough to know she is true to you and would never cheat on you. Only you have the power to take control of what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Good Luck and best wished.
Hugs, Irish
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (10 October 2005):
 I don't quite understand this; is she still seeing this other guy? If she is, then she isn't really being fair on either of you. She shouldn't be getting your hopes up if she is still seeing him and if she really is interested in being with you again, then she should finish with the guy she is seeing. If she thinks he is boring and she doesn't love him, then why is she still with him?
I think these are warning bells that you should really listen to. I know how you feel about her but you have to be able to trust someone and she doesn't sound as if she is trustworthy. In fact, it sounds very much as if she could be using this other guy.
I don't know what the email contained and normally, that would be important but in this case, it isn't really. I think you need to let her go to be honest or at least say to her that you will not entertain her while she is with someone else. Do not encourage her to see you if she is with this guy as it isn't fair on him and ultimately you will get hurt.
I'm sorry to be harsh but it shouldn't be the case that at long last she wants you again. She should work out what she really wants and stop trying to edge her bets.
She's biding her time and playing with emotions. If she loved you, she wouldn't even be with a guy she finds boring.
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A
female
reader, lewdness +, writes (10 October 2005):
Hi i think you should just ask her out to dinner and tell her that you love her and want to be with her forever (the way you feel) and ask her if she feels the same way then ask her if shes going stedy with this other man and who she wants to be with you or him.please tell me what happened! good luck-Lewdness
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A
female
reader, AuntieChrissy +, writes (10 October 2005):
You are overreacting! Why do you think that it's him? It could be anyone! And is it any business of yours who she e-mails? If she loves you she won't lie to you. If you really love her, you'll trust her.
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