A
female
age
41-50,
*iz_e
writes:Hi,I really don't know what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we were completely in love. I know it sounds daft but we were happy together and he wanted to marry me, have kids with him etc.We've lived apart for the last year, which has been tough on both of us, particularly him, as he's very needy and has always demanded a lot of my time. He was acting a bit weirdly on Friday and eventually told me he'd slept with someone else on Tuesday night. He was crying, saying how sorry he was and that it wasn't planned, it just happened.I know he cheated but I believe him. The more I've thought about it, the more I can forgive him. We're so far away, hardly see each other and he's been having problems at work and with his housemates. She works with him.The thing that's really hurt is that he won't give us another chance. He's just said he needs time to sort his head out. Some of the time, he's said he thinks he wants to be with her but then he'll cry on the phone to me that he's ruined everything, he realises he's lost the best thing he'll ever have and he's had the worst week of his life. I tried to be strong and wish him luck with this girl but I also hoped he'd be miserable. He said he thinks he'll be sad and alone forever, that he doesn't want to be with anyone and that he really wants to run home to his parents. He said he thought he'd finally found someone who was different but now he's messed it up.I said I could forgive the cheating but he said he can't trust himself anymore and doesn't know what's going on in his head.I have no life where I live, as all of it was spent with him in my home town, where he lives. I can't bear to think of him with this girl and, as my friends have said, they're convinced he's confused after breaking his promise to me and that she's just the easy option, having no emotional commitment to her.Do you think he'll want me back in the future? I can't believe this sudden end is it for us.
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female
reader, musics_muse  +, writes (4 April 2008):
i dont understand what his problem is.
HE's the one who cheated, who broke your trust and possibly wrecked the relationship. yet he thinks he still has the right to call the shots? "i cant be with you anymore?" sorry i guess im just a bitch when it comes to stuff like this but i believe that right to choose shouldve been yours.
he's just flat out confused and guilty in my opinion, sorry if this hurts...but it just sounds like clearly he has feelings for the other girl. whether he's realized it or is just starting to realize it. long distance relationships are hard. some dont work, some do. i dont think you need a guy who's "confused". you seem like a gal with her head screwed on straight (how many girls can "forgive" their boyfriends for cheating?) let's face it, if he really wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. he'd be begging/grateful that youve forgiven him. instead his reaction is not that. id say its time to start the letting go process. you seem like such a great person. dont sell yourself short sweets.
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (4 April 2008):
 The only way you will know, is to let him go. Really. If he sees you being strong you have much more chance of getting him back for good. If he doesn’t really make up his mind you could never know for sure and if you make forgiving him too easy he won’t respect you. If you get back together he will have an awful lot of making up to do. This can not be missed out.You know how when you really have to work for something you appreciate it more? Or if you tell someone they can’t have something they want it? This instills a sense of value in a person and you have to demonstrate that you value yourself or you have no chance. It seems like the hardest choice and it will take a lot of courage. But I promise you, the best chance you have is to tell him that you are no longer sure how you feel about him and that he is not welcome to be in touch at the moment. You could say you may be able to forgive him but are not sure that you can feel the same way and in any case he would have to have stopped this other relationship altogether. There is a book you can buy called “Love Must Be Tough” (look on line). Get it quick and it will explain all this to you better than I can.Most of all remember that if you grasp too tight onto a piece of soap it will slip out of your hand. The harder you hold on to him and the easier you seem to forgive the less he will value you. It makes it too easy and shows that you are not being discriminating. Men like to know that their women will demand certain things and not roll on their backs after they have been hurt. You are in too much of a state of shock and denial at the moment to feel the full hurt of this. I am sorry that it will come, but when it does you may have the strength to be a bit angrier, which you do need to be.
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