A
male
age
51-59,
*awk Owl
writes:Having read much of the excellent advice given on here I am hoping that someone can help me. Over my 17 year marriage my wife and I have split up 3 times. The first time was after 8 years and was partly because of my social anxiety disorder affecting out social life (now cured) as well as also a breakdown caused by betrayal from her supposed friends (during this time she had an affair). She eventually went to rehab, we tried for a bit and then she left for 2 months, but finally asked to come back as with me was where she wanted to be. Then at 15 years she left again saying that we weren't working, seemingly because I was to controlling, especially with money and that she felt suffocated and unable to be herself without emotional drain. I acknowledged some of the issues I had controlling money but she said that she didn't love me like she needed to and left. Then after 3 months (and meeting someone else) she wanted to come back as I was all that she wanted. We tried to manage our way through this but I was still angry at the hurt and kept bringing it up although stopped when she broke down and pointed this out. But then her behaviour became suspicious and I eventually said I couldn't do it anymore (I did not confront her on affair) and we agreed it was not working and to go our seperate ways. I told her I thought we could work it out as I thought we were still fundamentally good together but she said no. While she was away I found out she WAS having an affair but still i formed a life plan for us to work through that I felt would help us to really get back on track. She was not interested and during joint counselling said I needed to let her go. I did and moved forward. Now she has turned around and said she was scared and that she also really thinks we can work, she has had counselling and it has changed her and she realises how and why she was acting, what I needed to feel secure and she is 100% committed to making it work and feels we have a great future. In many ways we are soul mates as we do get along great in many areas. I feel so unsure about going back as well as not knowing what I feel now, and also resenting that again she has turned tables and wants me back AGAIN, and the decision is in my court. Help!!
View related questions:
a break, affair, money, soul mates, soulmate, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 February 2009):
 You were both very young when you got together and you are both very used to one another however I can see how the doubts are there with you. What if you get hurt again? What if you move heaven and earth to take her back and she wants to throw it all away again? You are both older and wiser now and YOU need to take back the control here.
I take it you are both living seperately at the moment? I suggest you both date again. Take things really slowly, you go out, say goodnight after the date and go back to your homes. Do this for a while in order to reignite the fire between you. It will also help you get your thoughts together before you make any long term commitment to her again. Go at YOUR pace! Don't be pushed into her moving back in with you until you are absolutely sure. Make her wait a while before you sleep together again. This could work out if you just call the shots for a while.
~Eve~
A
female
reader, PaulaS  +, writes (28 February 2009):
Oh my. You poor dear. Your marriage to this lady has really put you through the ringer hasn't it? I honestly think that you've given her way too many chances and I don't understand how you are ever going to trust that she won't leave again at some point down the road (thinking that the relationship isn't right for whatever reason she has at the moment). It seems as though she has somewhat of a safety net with you. She know you will always take her back. After all you always did and I think your self-esteem is a bit damaged from all the years of such an emotional roller coaster.
Of course you resent the fact that she wants you back again! After all it's happened way too many times before. Unfortunately I think you need to sit down and have a good long talk with yourself and decide that the door is no longer open for her to return. You've tried lots of different things to make it work with her but I don't think it's going to. You need to get yourself off the roller coaster and find someone who appreciates you and your good qualities. The best of luck to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): She has played you like a yo-yo all these years! You have such a long history together (obviously, both good and bad) You have always been there for her, waiting in the wings, so to speak. She believes no matter what, you will always be there to pick up her broken life. You have shown that time after time.
You're right, the ball is in your court. You need to take some time and really soul-search. Don't impulsively take her back, because when she gets bored, she will be out the door again. Maybe you should resume counseling together again (before getting back together, or even making a decision)
I wish you the best of luck!
...............................
|
