A
female
age
41-50,
*spascia
writes:I have an issue that is making me feel absolutely awful and is threatening the future of my relationship. My partner of five years has an 11 year old son, and I just can't bond with him. In fact, I have always experienced feelings of resentment and jealousy surrounding the child and his mother, which I just can't shake off. I really don't want to feel this way; I want to be able to have a healthy relationship with the child and a civil one with his mother, but there's something there that's getting in the way and I hate it, and I hate myself for feeling it. I'm a good person, and usually a reasonable person, but I've always suffered from low self-esteem and it feels like unconsciously I see the child and his mother as rivals of some sort. I think it may be partly to do with the fact that my partner and I were in love before he met her and throughout their relationship, but for various reasons we were unable to be together for ten years. He never really loved her, and she got pregnant when they were 19. He didn't want the child but was forced by his family to marry her when she refused to terminate the pregnancy. Furthermore, he kept the marriage a secret from me until I found out myself by accident three years ago. I have this niggling voice in the back of my head telling me that the situation should never have happened, and that we should have had the chance to have the perfect, baggage-free life together that we deserve. The child's mother is also not a particularly good parent - he is spoilt and has no discipline and no expectations at home, and I feel that we have to suffer the effects of that whenever he comes to visit. I get mixed messages from my partner about how involved he wants me to be, swinging from having to give up my entire weekend to spend every moment with them (meaning I can't see my friends or do anything else I want to do), to not having a right to impose any rules when he's in our house. To make matters worse, my partner has now started telling me that he doesn't ever want children, despite knowing that I do. I feel that he's being quite unfair in general, and I just can't help thinking, "I didn't sign up for this."I love my partner and feel he's the love of my life; I waited for ten years to be with him. But my feelings toward the child and his mother have put a huge strain on our relationship, and I fear that if I can't overcome them we won't last much longer. I feel like a terrible person, and I never could have imagined that I would ever be capable of feeling this way! It makes me feel sick and I really, really just want to be able to shake these feelings and get along with them. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Well if you want to have children of your own then here's your chance to use this opportunity as practice for when you have your own kids. Not only that but if this man is the love of your life and you claim to want to have kids with him then a good start to lure him in that direction is by making this current parenthood as pleasant an experience as can be. So he can see how good a mother you are and how fun it can be to have a family. The way you are acting, it is no wonder he doesn't want to start a family with you. It is in your power to change this. But you have to start by changing you.
Sometimes in life you just have to train yourself to deal with certain situations. Do you think most people like to get up at 7 am, go out and brave the cold, catch a train to get to work for 8 hours a day just to have to do it over again the next day? NO, nobody likes that. But everybody does it.
I mean how important is this guy to you? If he were important enough this wouldn't be a matter of choice for you. This would be something you felt you MUST do. Just like you must go to work. You say your aversion to this situation has something to do with self esteem and while underneath it all I guess that could be the culprit, frankly it looks more like the actions of a spoiled person. You sound spoiled.
It is a matter of growing up and handling this maturely. You are a grown woman. Need to start putting things in perspective. If this guy is really all that important to you then you must tighten up. People overlook dreaded things on a daily basis. Commutes to work. Cold weather. Waking up early. Weekly grind. Deadlines. Dreaded bosses. You think you have it tough because you have a innocent child come visit periodically from the man you supposedly love? I mean seriously put things in perspective. There was a reason you weren't together for ten years and obviously shit happens. At 30-35 you ain't no spring chicken and nobody at that age is baggage free. So if this man is as important as you say he is you need to just tighten up and grow up. Just enjoy your time with your love and his kid maturely and gracefully. It could be much worse.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 I commend you for being so candid with yourself. That helps a very great deal.
You know that he and his son are a package deal. So the question is, can you live with the package 'as is'?
Other peoples' children can be a huge challenge to love. When I run across a spoiled brat, I know intellectually that it isn't the child's fault, that he's a victim of awful parenting, but that seldom helps my heart open up to them. To be subjected to a brat in your own home -- and to have your husband tell you that at best he won't support you if you discipline the child or at worst he'll strike back at you -- seems to me intolerable.
I don't blame you for wishing you could have had the baggage-free future that was once there before you. But wishes don't do any good. You're stuck with the reality in front of you. All I can suggest is that you discuss with your husband the boundaries on discipline. Divorced non-custodial fathers are probably the worst disciplinarians in the world. But you sound like a very reasonable woman, so your guy must have his act together too. Talk. Let him know how you're feeling, that you need to have some control in this situation. Because as long as the kid and his mom are running your relationship, it's not going to work.
Good luck.
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