A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do I let her bother me all the time? I personally have not met this ex of my bf but I started doing some research and looked her up online....I know then that I looked so much better and prettier than her.......but even still this didn't help with my insecurities.....my boyfriend told me that they were friends before they tried to date....he says that they felt why not be together? They seem to get along pretty good....but then he says that it just dint feel right and that their relationship felt more like they were just friends so he said that they broke up with a mutual understanding that they are better off as "bestfriends" I think what kills me is that they have the same personality and if I haven't told him how I felt about her they could talk for hours over the phone.....I feel guilty for asking him to choose either me or her....but it felt good for a little bit to know that they weren't talking anymore.....for some odd reason I don't know what got to me I guess I felt really guilty I felt like I was depriving him of living a normal life so I told him it was ok to talk to his Ex again......WORST mistake I should've just left it alone....I shouldn't have felt guilt because now I can't stop looking up her profile in facebook.........I don't know what to do I love him and I def don't want to lose him but I know if I keep this up he might end uup leavin me and as silly as it sounds I think that day would be the end of me....pls help!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I agree with the anonymous male reader. When you get a gut feeling they can say whatever they want you just KNOW it isn't right and there is more to it. I am a firm believer in not telling someone what to do but when it causes this much grief and your partner knows and understands that this is how you feel then rightly or wrongly he should cease contact with his ex. What they have may be completely innocent but it is hurting you deeply so it must stop. I don't feel this is a case where you can just accept that thy are friends and no more because when ex's are involved it is rarely as clean cut as that.
My ex boyfriend wanted to maintain contact with his ex but I always felt there was more to it. I vacillated between letting him talk to her because I didn't feel I had the right to stop anyone doing something they wanted to do and stopping him from talking to her because it hurt me so much. In the end I realized that whenever I gave 'permission' for him to talk or see her again he was right on the phone so I realised the relationship with her was more important than me so I ended it with him. I knew I had done the right thing. They are still not together as such but I feel it is on the cards. He made me feel insecure and I think it is likely you feel that way too. The more you love them often the more jealous and insecure you feel. I would suggest that you stop looking at her on facebook or any other social networking site as that is just torturing yourself. If possible I would leave the situation alone for a while and not refer to it so he doesn't see just how much it is getting to you. I think you are going to have to either laugh it off so no one sees how much it is getting to you especially if you love him and want to keep him or think about finishing it with him if you truly feel there is an element of mistrust or if you can't cope with him having a relationship with his ex.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I hear you completely. I suffer a similar problem. We can ride this thing out together. They say they are ..just friends but i KNOW neither of them want that. I hope this doesn't swing your beliefs in either direction, as it may be wrong in your situation. I find that I constantly say - dont talk to him... then she gets sad... but if i let her talk to him then i feel sad.One of us loses either way. Whats most important is how you feel, dont let him mess you about, if he loved you enough, he would respect your wishes especially if he has other friends.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 January 2010):
Focus on the fact he said she was a friend and nothing more. They even tried going out, and it felt wrong. There isn't any real threat here at all. And to top it off, he did stop contact with her for you, so he's committed to you. I think you should tell him that you're just feeling a bit insecure about everything at the moment, and could just do with some reassurance and care. Hopefully listen to that. And also ask yourself why you're insecure. Have you been hurt in the past, or let down? That could also be the answer to your problem
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