A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Please tell me I have done the right thing? Some years ago I had an affair with a married man. We were both married at the time. After a few months it ended and it took me time to get over it. Recently after 6 years he contacted me and wanted to start up again. I was interested and at first the texting and phone calls were exciting and very passionate. The last week he has been distant. I backed off and he then backed on? We were supposed to meet up tomorrow but he has gone quiet on me and not responded to my text messages today even though yesterday he was "gagging" for me or so he said. I finally made the decision today that I am too good for game playing and sent him a text saying basically that he is obviously too busy in his life and that I am too good for game playing. I suggested he delete me from his phone and that I will do the same - and added at the end of the message "No hard feelings". All I asked was that he confirm he has received the message. I feel relieved and sick at the same time. I know it is the right thing to do but the thoughts of how we were all those years ago keep flooding into my heart and head and it hurts, it really hurts. I havent received a reply to the text and hope in my heart that I can now think of this guy as a thorough nasty piece of work who was fuelling his ego when he contacted me again and try to feel sorry for his wife who is obviously oblivious to what she is married to. Maybe I miss the sex that we had as it was so very good unlike anything I have ever had in the past and maybe that it why I was willing to be hoodwinked by this guy a second time. I hope I will be strong with my convictions and not relapse should he contact me with a sorry sob story about why he has not contacted me. Advice would be welcomed please :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): I think you absolutely have done the right thing. Nothing good can come from hooking up again with this man. I am not a woman who hs never done tis. I too was involved with a married man years ago and hen hooked up again after my divorce and 16 years had passed. we fell in love all over again and he really thought he might leave. He ended up telling me that he didn't think he would be happy either way. He worked with his wife and although they had more like a sibling relationship he was unable to leave. So after a year of having just a super time building a great friendship with him and great sex, I decided to leave. Granted we cnt. to talk and finally I was, no more. It was the best thing I ever have done because now I don't have the guilt. As well, I no longer come in second place. If your marriage is not good, you need to try and fix it. If not, either live in unhappy unsatisfying marriage or divorce him and find someone single who can return your text messages and be tere for you. YOu deserve it. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): I think you absolutely have done the right thing. Nothing good can come from hooking up again with this man. I am not a woman who hs never done tis. I too was involved with a married man years ago and hen hooked up again after my divorce and 16 years had passed. we fell in love all over again and he really thought he might leave. He ended up telling me that he didn't think he would be happy either way. He worked with his wife and although they had more like a sibling relationship he was unable to leave. So after a year of having just a super time building a great friendship with him and great sex, I decided to leave. Granted we cnt. to talk and finally I was, no more. It was the best thing I ever have done because now I don't have the guilt. As well, I no longer come in second place. If your marriage is not good, you need to try and fix it. If not, either live in unhappy unsatisfying marriage or divorce him and find someone single who can return your text messages and be tere for you. YOu deserve it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Marriedtwokids +, writes (18 September 2008):
Thanks for the additional detail.
I am not sure what more I can advise. All I know is that no matter how much we love our partners, there is always going to be someone else we will meet who seems to be better looking, sexier, a more skillful lover etc than our spouse. But when you marry someone you are entering into a long term alliance, and you commit to not following up the feelings (aka lust) that such people may generate. You make that commitment because (hopefully) you are married someone who offers more than just lust but long term thick and thin love and commitment etc and you don't want to inflict pain on them.
Now don't get me wrong, I believe there has to be passion as well in a successful marriage. And that passion has to be worked at and nutured. Its like a fire, you have to keep it alive, even if sometimes that seems like an effort. Sometimes it can burn low for a while, but will spring to life easily with a little fuel. Sometimes it can burn down to embers, and then it needs more effort to get it going again, but it can be done. The danger, in my mind, comes when it goes out, because then you have to start a new fire in the ashes of the old and that can be too hard in comparison to a new fire that has started somewhere else.
Or maybe it was never there to start with?
OK, long winded analogy aside, speaking as (I hope) a decent guy I can only hope you can make a go of it with your husband, who also sounds like a decent guy. See if there is anything there you can build on. Was there passion to start with (even if not the same as you feel with your OM!)? Rake over the embers. If necessary, help him be a better lover - most men like to be helped as long as its "that's great, more of that" or "that's great and this would be even better" (and not "that's useless, try harder"!). Get help if you need to. Perhaps accept it may never be as good as with the OM, but that the relationship as a whole offers more.
However, I know this is easier said than done and may not be possible. If this can't be fixed your back to the two choices I outlined in my previous post (accept the pro's and live with the con's of the marriage or divorce). But think on this: if you carry on and nothing changes, how would you feel if your husband had an affair with someone who offered him the passion you don't feel for him? His reasons would be essentially the same as yours now, reinforced by years of rejection by the person he loved.
Don't beat yourself up about the past and don't worry to much about the most recent incident. Use it to work out what you want. And whatever route you go down, try to treat your husband with the respect and consideration you would want to be shown yourself.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Thank you for your response "Marriedtwokids". It was nice to receive a response from a male perspective. I cried myself to sleep last night when my family were already asleep and was awake at 5am. I feel a little better today and know that I will get through this. You say I dont mention my husband much well he is a great guy but having been married 19 years the passion has gone. To be honest until I had my affair 9 years ago I didnt know what real passion was. I had had my fair share of men over the years but nothing compared sexually with the affair. I dont know if it was because it was "taboo" or whether I had just clicked sexually with this guy. I have a fantastic family and would never want to do anything to hurt them. My husband is a handsome man and very good provider. In fact to be honest a lot of my friends envy me. Maybe I am just a "bitch" - I would like to think that I am not but I must have a nasty streak to have embarked on the affair 9 years ago. I am not sure why I did it then to be honest. I think possibly because I had been married 10 years and was feeling how women sometimes feel in their mid 30s - too old for running about but too young to be knitting if you get my drift. Generally I am a confident 45 year old with a pretty good figure and a sunny disposition. I am fortunate in that I dont have to work because I have a husband who brings in a good income - maybe I have too much time on my hands? My sons are 17 and 14 and therefore have their own lives now and dont depend on me so much. I am going to get through this I know but its early days and the wound is still raw.
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A
male
reader, Marriedtwokids +, writes (16 September 2008):
OK, you did the right thing by avoiding this man, but there is a big long term problem - you are not happy with your marriage.
The telling phrase is "I try and avoid sex with my husband at any cost and this was way before my ex lover contacted me again."
Pretty damning. Even married couples who love each other can go through rough patches and dry spells, but this seems to go well beyond that. Your husband would be very naive or deliberately sticking his head in the sand if he does not know there is a problem, and so he probably is not very happy either. Your deliberate and dedicated avoidance of sex sends the message to him that you do not love him. Has he raised it as an issue? Many men don't, often because they do not want to be seen as insensitive and demanding, but they generally know if it is happening and become unhappy about it.
Maybe you love your husband, and maybe you don't. You give very little detail on him and your relationship except that he is "loving", which is a start. Well, I'm afraid your are going to have to take the bull by the horns and talk to him about how unhappy you are. You sound like you both need some proper counseling and to get the issues on the table, including his issues and not just yours. Or you can try to fix it yourself by trying to focus on your husbands good points and maybe even "faking it until you make it" on the sex front, though that may be a bridge too far at the moment
But whatever you do, don't raise the affair with him. I'm always ambiguous about the "don't tell unless you are about to be caught out" strategy on affairs, as I often feel its a deliberate deceit of a trusting partner designed to allow the cheater to avoid facing the unpleasant consequences of their actions (including their partner ending the relationship once they know) thinly disguised as altruisticaly trying to avoid pain for the deceived. But in this instance it is likely to complicate an already difficult picture.
If you remain unhappy and you can't fix it, then you have a choice: remain in a stable but unfulfilling marriage (and many people do) or get a divorce. Affairs are rarely the answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Well its 8pm now and i am at home with my husband and 2 teenage sons and trying to put on a brave face. I havent heard from the married guy who i nearly fell for again after 9 years and it isnt any easier half a day on. I am hoping that i will be able to sleep tonight but fear that i will once again wake at 4am (the norm at the moment) but this time tearful at the prospect of not ever having contact from him again. I know i should be grateful to have a loving husband and two fantastic sons but i feel there is something missing in my life. I try and avoid sex with my husband at any cost and this was way before my ex lover contacted me again. I dont want to have any affair i want my ex married lover but i know that this is not going to happen and that it would be a wrong path to go down anyway but it doesnt get any easier. I feel so low and so sad - sad beyond words to be honest. I am holding back the tears because i know my family will want to know why i am so sad- want to know the reason and what reason could i possibly give them. I sometimes want to run away from everything yet i have a wonderful life. I dont know why i feel like this i wish i did. i know i need a reality check but i just wish i could snap out of this destructive path i almost went down. Maybe this ex married lover has done me a favour by walking away when we were so close to re-kindling this affair. Maybe some divine intervention told him he was evil and to keep away. I want so to believe that but my heart is hurting and is so very heavy it almost feels like a bereavement which is terrible and this is trivial in comparison but my heart doesnt feel the triviality it feels broken.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): This could be me writing, as you are describing exactly how I feel right now too - hoping he won't be in contact but hoping he will too. I know I can probably be of little help because I'm in the same situation, but you have had a lucky escape. No matter what your age or experience, you are a just a normal woman with normal feelings who wanted to feel special. He probably is totally unaware of how he has made you feel, but you have done the right thing, as you would most definitely have been far more upset further down the line. Sorry I can't be of any more help but my heart so goes out to you. Hope you have a better night's sleep. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Hi everyone well i am still feeling shell-shocked as it is dawning on me that he is not going to contact me again and i have now deleted him from my phone and so there is no going back for any further texting. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight as i have had trouble sleeping lately but maybe with the end of all this i will be able to sleep once more. I am trying to tell myself that he is a b*stard and that I am probably not the only extra marital woman he has done this to although he had told me that I was the only time he had strayed (and i believed him!). I am annoyed at myself because I am a pretty confident 45 year old who maybe in her 20s fell for cr*p like this from a man but surely at my age, with the experience of my age I should have seen this coming. Please tell me that he had no intentions of meeting up, that he was trifling with my affections and feeding his own ego and that the sex with him would have been awful. I need you guys to convince me that I have had a lucky escape. A good friend who knows about all this is having lunch with me tomorrow but I need re-assurance now that I had a lucky escape. I still want him to call or text me that he has made an awful mistake but I know he wont. He didnt last time - 9 years ago but it was him that contacted me so I have to keep telling myself that he did it because he needed re-assurance that he still could get something even if he didnt really want it. You guys have been very important with your comments today but I need more re-assurance. I want him to contact me but I hope he doesnt so that I can at least know that he was a very lucky mistake that I didnt make a second time.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (15 September 2008):
 You are welcome Hon. Stay strong for your own good. I know your self esteeme is on the floor. Pick yourself up.... dust yourself off... and move on. Time heals all wounds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Hi. I am in a very similar situation myself at the moment and so I really feel for you and know what you're going through. I totally agree with everything hlskitten says below. I know you are hurting deeply, but you shouldn't let him have the power to make you feel that way. Having passion in your life makes you feel amazing and 'on a high', but is it worth how you are feeling now? Think of all the things that make you feel like a happy, strong woman, whether it be certain music, or something you enjoy doing, ie, a sport, shopping, and do it (this is what I'm doing anyway and it helps me) - you will feel good about yourself and able to deal with him better if and when he contacts you. Wishing you all the best and stay strong. xx
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (15 September 2008):
 The best thing about affairs is the way they make you feel so special. But this guy doesn't sound like he had the affair for that reason, he is doing the exact opposite, because you know he's just proving to himself that he can still pull the strings. You're constantly looking for reassurance, and him not replying to the txt is the last thing you want. You wanted him to chase you, and so far he hasn't. If he replies and appologises, i bet you will meet up with him though. I'm sure you do deserve more, but it doesn't sound like you know that enough deep down.
But he's a low life. I feel sorry for his wife, she is the only innocent in all this. She cant be that bad that she deserves a scum bag like that surely. Both of you are doomed being involved with him, and until he leaves you both alone, life wont get any better anytime soon.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): I am sitting here now in tears as I got replies to the text I sent. The usual excuse "meetings etc" He said he wasnt playing me when I asked but I am now pretty sure he was. I think he had no intentions of coming down and whilt I sit here crying into my coffee and feeling very very low and upset I know that deep down it is for the best because if it had started up again then when it ended I would only have felt even worse than I do now. The last text from him said that it was for the best that it ends. I didnt want to read that I wanted to read that he was sorry, that he was coming to see me tomorrow that he was going to spend the day with me having great sex. I have to be strong now and fortunately I have a friend (who knows about what is going on) and is having lunch with me tomorrow to console me and try and boost my spirits. I know I have had a really lucky escape but I also feel totally devastated. My self esteem is on the floor and I hope it doesnt take months to get over this. I cant eat or sleep as it is and I am a shadow of my former self so clearly he has been detrimental to me but I wish, oh how I wish that we could have been together just one last time.
Thank you to Shandygirl for your kind words and support. I am going to try and move on and never go back.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 September 2008):
 You did the right thing now concentrate on your marriage and see what you can do in order to have that great sex with your husband.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (15 September 2008):
It is sooo easy to miss GOOD SEX. LoL. But you and I are both at an age to where we are a lot wiser than we were in our 20's and 30's.
In your heart and from life experiences, you know what you have to do. STOP TORTURING YOURSELF by continuing this thing. You ARE too good for this situation. Step back from this and look at it from a "outsider's" point of view. You will then find the strength to do what is best. Good luck honey. If you need to continue talking about it, I will be more than happy to hold your hand through this.
XXX
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