A
female
age
30-35,
*ittycat_159
writes:I am writing this because i need advice, from either people who have been there or for people who think that they may be able to offer me support.I have just recently broken up with my boyfriend and we were together for almost 2 years. I love him so much but a few months ago i made a very stupid mistake. My ex and i had had an argument and so we were on a break. I know that there are different types of breaks and during this one, we clearly weren't about to start going off and seeing other people, as we still had plans for each other, and to put it simply - we knew that we would get back together. I had been flirting with a co worker at work for a few months and while i was on the break, i had a few drinks after work one night and i ended up having sex with my co - worker. But the thing is, i didn't regret it at all, and i thought about my co worker quite a lot after it happened. Things between us at work changed and i liked the feeling of the first time so much that i had sex with him again.A few days after the second time, i realised that i still loved my ex and i didn't want anything to happen with this co-worker. I still didn't feel guilty about it though, and i decided that i wouldn't tell my man (now my ex.) Me and my co-worker decided that it was just a fling and that we were going to end it, and things went good again for me and my ex and we got back together again. I never thought about what i did and i just put it down to a stupid little thing that didn't need to be mentioned.My ex would have never found out about it if it Hadn't been for a little page in one of my notebooks that i fill in, usually with nonsense when 'im bored and i want to get things off my chest. In that book i mentioned having sex with my co worker and how i liked the way he made me feel, etc. My ex happened to read it about 3 months after i had written it.He asked me about it and i was upfront and i told him everything. My ex then said that he could never trust me again, and seeing as we were still kind of dating, it felt like i had cheated on him.I still think about him all the time and i have never felt so much remorse and pain. I made a terrible mistake and i know that now. I can honestly say that i have changed and i suprised myself when i did what i did because i'm not that sort of person. I love my ex, and i planned on living my life with him. I wanted to marry him. We had made plans to move to London together and start a new life, and then i went and did what i did. It's now been 2 months since we have been apart and in that time, i've been trying like a fool to get him back. The first few weeks i was crying down the phone, begging him to get back with me and apologizing over and over again. That's when it really hit me, that he didn't want to get back with me. Now we have agreed to see each other as friends, and we have been out a couple of times, but it is not how it used to be, and he is being really offish and cold with me. He has told me the reason he is doing this is because he thinks things will go back to the way they were before if he acts how he usually does around me.I tell him that i'm okay being friends with him but that's only because that's the only way i can keep him in my life, and the possibility of us ever getting back together. It seems like he has already moved on as i haven't seen him cry, and he's just been really cold about it all the time. He goes out with his friends and he has told me that he's got very close to having sex with another girl. I can understand this, and i know that i can't make him want to get back with me...i just dont know how to get over him...and the worse thing is...i don't want to get over him, i want to get back with him, and i am prepared to dedicate my life to getting back with him. Before i met him i was a suicidal wreck, and i had so many problems. Now, all i can see that he was the only good thing in my life and i don't want to live a life without him. I know that if he starts seeing someone else then i would be devastated. I dont know what to do. He's said that he doesn't want to get back with me, but he's also said that in the future it may happen - but only because you can never predict what will happen. He has told me to move on and not to wait for him - but i can't move on and i don't want to. I know that it will be hard for me to keep being friends with him if he is seeing and being sexual with other girls, but i just want him back. I don't know what to do...i'm sorry if i sound confused. I'm so emotional at the moment.
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female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Hi, Although you say you had a few drinks the first time, you had sex with your co-worker. The second time you were sober and you made a concious choice. You wrote it down somewhere and he found it. Now, that to me is strange, was there not enough excitment in your life, that you decided to play this dangerous game. Yes, you made a mistake, but also, it cost you something, that you discovered after you lost it, that was very special to you. Sometimes you have to think, before you do things, which are going to turn your life upside down. Your ex-boyfriend is angry with you, he feels you betrayed his trust, and even if you two went back together, he would not be able to trust you completely as he would remember what you did. Another thing, he might want to punish you for what he feels was a terrible thing to do. My thought is that you should move on, and move on fast. You waste your time and effort trying to get back with him. This you should remember, who would want someone who does not want them. If you have to beg and plead, to get someone back, you will wind up begging for the rest of the relatiuonship. You do not want to be in that position. Let him go, there are other men who will love you and you will love them. Count this experience, as a lesson in what not to do in the future. As they say, love hurts. Pick yourself up and move on. There is an article which may help you, it's called "Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts", you can find it at: www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137Hopefully, you will think hard, and decide that your life is worth living without him and look for better days in the future. Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): "He has told me to move on and not to wait for him"... This is exactly what you must do....
I know it hurts, but you have to move on, to wait for him would be a waste of life and painfull and humiliating to boot. He no longer sees you as a potential partner, he's looking for somebody else. If you hang around him you will have to watch as he falls in love and finds somebody new. You deserve better than this.
"i can't move on and i don't want to..." There's no such word as can't in this situation, of course you can. Who wants a woman so obsessed with them that she can't even function properly. Men are looking for women who have balanced lives, outside interests and lots of confidence. Your ex-boyfriend will find this is a new partner, with you it would only be bad memories and past regrets.
Your life has now changed, the road you have to travel is the same, but now you must do it without him. Without him, you have new opportunities and choices that you should grab without delay. Looking back to the past is a waste of time and will not bring you what you want. Dry your tears, remember the good, remember the bad and get on with your life. You were attracted to him, you were attracted to the other guy, there's somebody else waiting in your future to be attracted to again. Move on and find somebody else to love.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Dear poster, your ex has been very clear with you: he doesn't want to go back to you. I understand your pain, and I don't think anyone wouldn't; but the hard and cold fact is that he isn't coming back. You can hold on to the hope, but you won't be with him again. Trying to keep him in your life is the same as prolonging your agony.
You hit the nail here yourself: you "don't want to get over him". You are making a conscious decision to keep trying. The day when you get up and realize that you can decide otherwise, that day you will begin to move on.
He's not all of your life. He arrived at a bad moment, and helped you through it. But, your life is more than his presence. You are strong enough to walk on your own feet and live your own life, with or without him. Do it, poster.
I know this sounds too easy, but I'm just telling it like it is. I could spend hours sugar-coating my words, and perhaps you would shed a tear here and there, but, in the end, this would be the naked truth.
Just accept life as it is, decide to go on no matter what, and move on.
All the best for you, now and forever.
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