A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a year and a half, and my huband goes to college about 30 mins from where we live. About 2 months ago, I noticed he seemed to be making and receiving quite a few phone calls and text messages from a female classmate, "Melissa". I casually asked him about Melissa and he informed me that she was also married, and that the majority of their conversations were about computers and other topics related to their classwork. However, I continued to notice that they spend an excessive amount of time on the phone, always when I am not around. And I have no way of knowing what goes on at school, nor have I met this girl. I finally decided to give my suspicions a rest and count down the days until the end of the semester when I knew they wouldn't be seeing each other any longer. Well, the other day I received a very irate email from Melissa's husband. He stated that there was something going on between the two of them, that they do indeed talk on the phone excessively, and that they even go to lunch together...alone. He also stated that Melissa had lied to him about all of this. He was very upset and wanted to know if I was aware of any of this. I didn't know what to say. I responded and told him that I trust my husband and left it at that. But I am left wondering. My husband swears that nothing is going on, and that they are just friends. I want to believe him but I can't help but to wonder about my previous instincts about the situation. Any advice you have will be appreciated.
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female
reader, GeorgiaGirl84 +, writes (30 March 2008):
 Hmmm... from personal experience, keep your guard up. I ignored all the warning signs and that resulted in a messy divorce because of infidelity. Don't take anything for granted. Let him know how you feel about the situation and hopefully your issue will be resolved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): The fact that Melissa has kept your husband and her secret from her husband is a red flag. She may act as if it is because her husband is a jealous maniac, but she is keeping him secret for a reason....your husband is talking to her in front of you so not keeping her a secret from you, which is a good sign....but I would be very worried about Melissa. She is obviously not happy in her marriage and may be having an emotional affair with your husband.
Your husband does not have enough time and emotional energy to devote himself to her and to you, and this could lead to deeper feelings on his part for her....this relationship of theirs has no where to go and is based mostly on fantasy and lack of daily responsibilities of a marriage, which can make it seem sweet and exciting compared to your marriage. I would feel very threatened if I were you.
I like the idea of surprising him for lunch at the college, not following him around, and I would ask to be introduced to Melissa as any friend of your husband's is a friend of yours.
I wouldn't get too involved in communicating with her husband, I would take this up with your husband....you have every right to confront him on this and tell him you don't think it looks very good, tell him about the email from Melissa's husband....say you trust him, but are not too happy with Melissa.
Either he stops talking to her on the phone and texting her all of the time, lunch is off limits, or you will be recosidering things....ask him if he is unhappy and what you can do to make things better between the two of you. Is he missing your attention because of scheduling conflicts? Sometimes these types of things can happen during a vulnerable time in people's lives or during a period of discontent with their lives....often it has nothing to do with the marriage, but the issues of the person involved in the emotional affair....Regardless you really need to address it instead of putting your head in the sand.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): I would not even allow this to go on. It's not even appropriate for him to text a female ONE time. Yet you let him get away with talking to her on the phone b/c you trust him. That is your mistake, trusting anyone. Yes I believe something is most def. going on. Of course he is going to say they are just friends. That is what they all say.
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