| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My male friend and I (he’s nearly 23, me nearly 31) are getting ourselves in a confused state with one another and need some help. We both really like/fancy each other like crazy. He has asked me to be his girlfriend but I am a little wary of a few things:- One of them is that he has only recently come out of a 4 1/2 year relationship in which he was engaged. Secondly, I am 99.9% sure he has Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). He displays many of the characteristics such as difficulty in communicating (doesn’t always respond when spoken to, lack of tact etc) and social relationships (tendency to say inappropriate things), forgetfulness, etc. He has spent most of his life being told he was thick and wouldn’t amount to much. As a result of this, his self esteem seems to be at rock bottom (has said he wishes he was dead). He asks me questions about myself but not very often which I think is due to the fact that he doesn’t want to appear ‘stupid’. So, I think he isn’t interested in me as a person which can hurt sometimes. He mentions getting physical alot with me (which worries me that he is only after one thing!) but then when the opportunity has arisen he has rejected it!!! He agreed with me saying that he wants a serious relationship and that he wants to go slow. I am confused!!! On Friday, he sent me a rather graphic message that I was shocked by. I tried not to make too much of it and just jokingly messaged back that I was going to keep away from him....etc’Later he phoned me up apologising for the text he sent and worried that he had ‘f**ked up another friendship again’ because of it and the reply I sent him. He said ‘i’ve met a girl and there could be something there; she puts a real twinkle in my eye’. I asked him who he meant and he said it was me!On Saturday, he asked me what I was up to that evening. I assumed he asked me because he wanted to go out but I now realise it was a general question. He didn’t contact me all evening and it turned out he had been out with his friends. He's done this once before; I think he is checking where I am because he gets insecure that I am with other guys and he keeps asking me if I am dating other guys. I spent all evening in the house since I wasn’t going out anyway, but I was really disappointed not to see him.Anyway, he turned up the following day and said he would try to see me that evening to go out but it would only be if he got tired of being with his friends (that tact again!!!). Well, I got my hopes up even though he didn’t promise anything, and he didn’t turn up again. I was just going to bed and he phoned me asking if it was OK to come over. (I don’t know if he says he might come over so that I won’t go out or whether he doesn’t want to disappoint me so he says he might see me!)ADD suffers have difficulty maintaining close good friendships/relationships but he has one long term friend (lets call him J) . They are inseperable and my male friend has spent most of the weekend with him even though my male friend and I have got the same days off for once (he does shift work)! (My male friend took J under his wing when he moved into the area and J looks out for my male friend). I am really glad they have each other as friends, but I feel like second fiddle to J. My male friend’s ex ‘s parent (jokingly, I think) suggested there was something else going on and I can see the thinking behind it; my male friend’s plans with J seem to be more important than spending time with the girlfriend and I imagine my male friend’s ex felt second fiddle to J.I would never stop my male friend seeing J as I think it is important he has a good friend but if I am to be his girlfriend I would want to feel more important to him than I do now! At the moment, it feels like he is fitting me in around J’s plans. I suspect the ex felt the same when she was seeing my male friend so she started giving him a dose of his own medicine and saying she couldn’t see him on .......... because she was doing ............. to make him feel second fiddle. My male friend said it could be a week before he would see her. He doesn’t seem to see that it was probably because of the way he was treating her that she was doing it. I don’t want to put too much pressure on him because of this possible condition, his recent break-up, etc. His self-esteem has been crushed before so I don’t want to add to it. I am shy and my self-esteem isn’t great so we need to find a way of being supportive of each other and i think rather than criticise him, i would want to encourage him in the things he does well. On the other hand I don’t want to be a doormat.I really want to make it work if we get involved; I would be in it for the long haul. He is very special to me.
View related questions:
crush, engaged, insecure, moved in, self esteem, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 August 2006):
 At the end of the day you will never know until you try. We'd all like to have an easy opt-out of relationships card 'just in case' ... rewind the clock, no pain, no baggage, try again. But we don't get to have that.
I'd caution labelling him too strongly. While he may have some issues, ADD like anything else is a label. Everyone is different, and labelling someone can cause you to misinterpret all sorts of things, as well as not see them for who they really are. Remember that all of us really have lots of 'disorders' by any psychological definition, just not quite to the level where they would be labelled a disorder.
If you want some unasked-for advice, I'd tell you to be more concerned about your age difference than his ADD. If you want kids then you need to be very clear up-front with him that you do, because he has a lot longer to go in his life before he has to think about them.
It does sound like you are an aware and thoughtful person. You are the person who knows best here. Go with your instincts, and focus on the things you know make for a good relationship. It sounds like you have the basic recipe already: the two of you appear to honestly like each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006): I am the poster of the question. He definitely does have a neurological condition because there were problems when he was born that caused it. It's just it's been undiagnosed all these years. I know that it appears that it is normal guy behaviour but his is far more extreme than that. If you were to spend time with him, you would notice from some of his behaviour that there is something amiss. I guess I do make excuses for him because I know there is something wrong. When all his symptoms exactly match, it is hard not to second guess.I realise that I have progressed the relationship in my head but I am trying to make sure I am aware that I know what it is going to be like as his girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (29 August 2006):
 At the moment you are his friend yet to me it looks like you're questioning how he's being as if he is your boyfriend. You need to remember what the relationship IS at the moment and not progress it in your head. The emphasis is on what you suspect as ADD but it almost sounds as you're using it as an excuse for his shortfalls. Many of those characteristics you mentioned in relation to ADD are similar to how men are! If he hasn't been diagnosed it's hard to second guess. Many men have had to also cope with difficult upbringings. I think it might be best to take him for who he is. I can see you care deeply for him but when you talk about his male friendship taking priority over yours, I think that's the biggest sign you like him as more than a friend. You're making excuses (break up, childhood, ADD, J) for him when I'm not entirely sure whether they are excuses for you too as if you also have low self-esteem, you may be leaning on each other and maybe it's time you worked on your own to improve confidence (which you CAN do) rather than feel you two need each other. Or ask him right out if there's something more going on? After the text I think you're entitled to.
...............................
|
