A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for three months, getting on really well. We both currently live in Thailand, working together and spending all our time together. Up until now it's been great. Feel very relaxed around each other and open about everything. My country is the UK and his country is the Phillipines. Basically, I told him at the beginning I didn't know where it was going but have recently been let down by a guy I was going to do IVF with, who turned out to have a genetic disorder which I was fine with but it made him so depressed he was nearly suicidal and I ended up supporting him emotionally. Well in the end I moved to be with him and after a week he started ignoring me, so after a couple more weeks I walked out and got a plane out here where I'm now working.Anyway I explained all this to my new guy here, and said I want to have a last try at having a baby and he is up for it. So we've been having sex without condoms, still not pregnant but he agreed to try IVF if it doesn't happen soon.He is married but has no relationship with his wife. Only got married because she was pregnant. He says they have nothing in common at all and she just sees him as a meal ticket.So he came here to work and sends money back every month for her and the kids (he's Filipino).Well he started saying he wanted to leave his wife. I was saying, don't leave her for me. I can't bear the thought of being the cliched "other woman" but he said I'm more of a catalyst than actually breaking them up.Anyway he went back to his country two weeks ago and told his wife that he wants a divorce.She was devastated apparently but he said his heart had not been in it for ages.The problem is, since he's been back he's really changed.He's become very picky about everything I do. Before it was very relaxed between us but now nothing is good enough, he's always critical. I know it's hard as we're living on top of each other so it might be a question of needing more space but it feels like something's happened.He thinks I can't look after myself and has criticised me for losing stuff or not being discrete or not having good boundaries at work.One of the clients at work had a sexual dream about me and I didn't tell him as I knew he would react badly. But it all came out as I told my supervisor, and my boyfriend hit the roof that I hadn't told him about it.Do you think it's a cultural thing? He says in the Philippines there is more of a male dominated culture, do you think that's it? What's the best way to find out what's changed?
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at work, condom, depressed, divorce, money, want a baby Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Hello, I think you are so desperate to have a child that it is affecting your better judgement. After only 3 months, 12 weeks you are willing to have a child with a stranger. Put it this way. If you had say a million pounds life savings would you be willing to give it to someone to look after it for you after only knowing them for 12 weeks? I dont think so. So why are you prepared to have a child with a married man from a different culture.You clearly at this stage have communication problems. Please think long and hard before you have a child together. Raising a child on your own is not a bed of roses. It will be the most challeging thing you have ever done although it will be the most rewarding.I think you need to get to know the man you are going to procreate with before bring a child into the world . Good luck x
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 February 2013):
Hi there. When it comes down to relationships and any problems or a change in one person's behaviour towards the other, there really is no better way than to sit down together and have a heart to heart chat.
As you have said here, it seems that there has been a change in him since he returned from seeing his wife.
It's hard to know what happened when he visited his wife, without actually talking to him about it.
So if you haven't done that so far, well then you really need talk to him as soon as you possibly can.
The longer you leave it, it's just going to get worse and you won't know why.
There is no point in second guessing yourself and making assumptions about it, it really needs to be talked about openly and honestly, and in detail between you both, just so he has a chance to tell you what has happened while he was away.
Perhaps he and his wife have decided to give it another go, before finally deciding whether to get a divorce.
If that is the case, he might be reluctant as to whether to tell you. Or how he will tell you.
Or it might not be that at all, but you won't know that unless you talk to him.
It certainly seems that he is now unsettled, since visiting his wife, don't you think?
So there is something going on, and you and him need to get it all out in the open, once and for all.
So don't wait another day to do this.
And until you have talked about what is going on in his life now, whatever you do, DO NOT even consider going onto the IVF program, until you are absolutely sure.
It is even a possibility, that although he said he was up for it - the IVF program - before he went to see his wife, it could be that now since being away, and then coming back, that he has had some second thoughts about it.
So this is something that also needs to be thoroughly discussed before it really becomes a BIG issue between you.
Please, do not delay in having this important chat with him.
How you might like to open up the discussion could be by saying something like - "(His Name), ..... I have noticed that ever since you got back from seeing your wife, you seem preoccupied and just not yourself. Is there something on your mind? Because I really need to know. I am rather concerned."
And stay calm and be respectful when you say this, so he doesn't feel as if he is about to be attacked, and needs to defend himself.
If he did feel that way, he would almost certainly be expecting some kind of confrontation, and possibly a HUGE argument.
So be very mindful of that when you bring up the subject of why he seems to have changed.
And then it will be his chance to open up to you.
I'm quite sure he will be rather relieved when you do.
And then you can move on from there and talk about everything that is on both of your minds, about the relationship generally.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 February 2013):
I would like to answer your question with a question: why, if you're having this many problems and things are this complicated at only 3 months, are you bothering to continue this relationship?
I've never had problems at three months; since you're still in the honeymoon stage and having issues I'd accept the fact that you two, for whatever reason (cultural or otherwise), are incompatible.
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