A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. This isn't so much of a "love" question as it is more just "how to meet people/make friends" kind of question. I seem to have a really hard time making friends. This isn't something new. All through school I only had a couple friends I would hang out with outside of school. Everybody else I would be really friendly with and talk to in class but outside of school there was pretty much no contact. I also had social anxiety disorder and depression throughout high school and on and off the last couple years. I've had guys tell me I'm "intimidating" but I don't see how I can be intimidating, I will literally talk to anybody, I'm not stuck-up or snobby, I am very nice to people, I always smile at strangers, I feel like I give of a friendly body language (I don't cross my arms, glare at people, etc.) I'm not as shy as I used to be, I'm actually a lot more open and friendly with people now than I've ever been.I try to make conversation with people in my classes (I'm a senior in college) but I've only made a couple friends out of this over the last couple years and many I don't even talk or hang out with but once in a blue moon. I feel like I'm just somebody there for them to talk to in class but otherwise they wouldn't associate with me. Any time I try to organize a get together, even if it's just something low-key like a meet-up at a bar with some people, nobody ever wants to hang out with me. I'll text people to hang out and they either ignore me or say "maybe" and don't show, or just come up with excuses.Also I've tried making friends where I work but it's the same thing. Also most people I work with are over 40, there's only a couple people my age that work there and it's the same as the kids in class, they'll talk to me at work but never want to hang out outside of work. I even got a job at a store in the mall to try to meet people my age but same thing. I just don't know what I can do. I'm a good friend to those I'm close to, I am always there for them, help them, genuinely care about them, and I don't start drama. I feel like everybody else my age already has their "group" of friends, the ones they grew up with and have known half their lives and I feel really left out that I don't have a solid group of friends like that and I can't just work my way into someone else's group of friends. It's really hurtful constantly being blown off and ditched when I do try to make plans and it hurts to be left out when a group of friends I know goes out and nobody bothers to invite me. Idk what to do. I'm sorry this is so long, I just really want some advice please thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): I guess I worded my initial post wrong, it's not like I do this everyday where I 'm desperate and beg people to hang out with me. I don't annoy people like that, I know that's a turn-off. I will invite people out maybe once a month (if that, and they're people I used to hang out with several times before in a group setting, not people I just met. Also, one on one almost NEVER pans out, idk why. It seems like I have had better luck with group outings cause then there isn't the pressure of it just being me and one other person). I don't talk stranger's ears off or expect them to open up to me right away, I'm actually pretty shy, which is why I said that this is the most outgoing I've ever been (cause of the depression/social anxiety before)When I said guys have told me I'm "intimidating"- they've meant it as in they thought I was a b*tch before they got to know me. One told me he was "surprised how nice I really was" because he said I was "hot but quiet" so he though I was a b*tch. I honestly have no idea if looks even play into this, I'm just sayin what he said. So no, I don't think I'm overly friendly lol. By friendly, I just meant that I give off "open" body language to people I've just met or sit by in class and will have light conversation with them. I don't always make the initiation though, it's only about 50% of the time when I will initiate conversationI also don't have high expectations. I don't expect people to always be available to hang out or want to, I've been let down a lot and have a hard time warming up to people myself. I just make myself open to the opportunity of friendship.So I have the random acquaintances that I occasionally see but I don't know how to get closer to them. And I've had several people tell me they "miss me/want to hang out more" yet they never invite me to parties and stuff and always decline when I try to plan things. So I guess I'm just confused haha. I know it takes time, I just don't get why I've had this problem of "closeness" with people pretty much my whole life and others don't...Sorry, I'm rambling. Thanks for the advice though, I guess I'll just back off
A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 I don't exactly know what is going on here because I don't know you, but I can share with you what I have experienced with my brother's girlfriend. She is a very friendly woman, but actually too friendly. She worked with me, and all our co-workers were that way with her, while everyone thought she was a nice girl, they tended to avoid any social gatherings with her, because she pushed too much to be friends with everyone and it was quite intimidating and made them feel uncomfortable. Unfortunitely my brother started going out with her, and because he lived with me and that meant that she was around, people started avoiding spending time with me in case she was there. It was sad and was difficult for her, as well as for me in the end. My suggestion is that you try to back off a little, give it time to develop friendships and get to know people without pushing to be friends. Making friends is hard, and you only meet a few people who actually stay with you in your life for a long period of time. I wish you luck, and I hope that you find all that you seek in life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 I don't exactly know what's going on, but a possibility is that you are pushing too hard. You invite people you aren't that close to for get-togethers, naturally I's say they don't show up. If they call you intimidating, what they could mean is that you push for too much. You're too "on", too friendly, so many smiles, expect so much, and they don't really know you even if you spill out an endless amount of information about yourself.
We don't all have a huge bunch of friends. I don't. I have like 3-4 friends, added the occasional show-up. I have some 100 associates on facebook, and people I work with and study with that I talk friendly with, but we don't hang out outside of those contexts.
And those friends I do have, well, it took me a great amount of time to establish such a friendship with them. There's been others who I quickly connected with that just as quickly left. What I found to "work" as a friendship rule is to take things slow. Don't push for get-togethers. Meet people one on one, have coffee, meet people at gatherings others have arranged etc. Ease in on them. Most people are a bit closed up and scared of new people, and will take their good time opening up to someone or trusting someone. So give them that time. They aren't turning you down because they have anything against you, they turn invitations down because they don't feel they know you well enough and that makes them insecure about the situation. They're nervous.
It takes time. It took me almost 2 years to get to the point where I could talk and hang out with the girls I study with, although we see each other almost every day, and have had friendly chit-chats as well. I was invited to parties where all of us who study together gathered. But not until this last year did I actually get to TALK to them, sit down, have them listen, talk about things not related to studies and work. Get to actually know them. It takes time.
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