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I really love him and want to be with him but I haven't been able to ignore that online situation that he has going on, which I've tried so far.

Tagged as: Cheating, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 April 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 April 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have to make a final decision and was wondering if I can get some opinions/advice here.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year 5 months. Well, I recently (December) found out that he's been having an online relationship with some girl from the phillipines that works for his same company. They work together. The company is based here(he's here in the USA) but has a site over there.

Well, ever since I found out he was cheating, I haven't been able to be happy or carry out a normal relationship with him. I didn't tell him anything until yesterday, after having found out a few months ago. I know, stupid of me. I have been moody, depressed, crying all the time and yelling at him, angry for any little thing, but I hadn't told him I knew. I did ask him if he was talking with somebody else many times, but he denied. I did notice that he started hiding it more from me. Like not going online as often or putting himself as away in his AIM buddy list. I used to work there so we have the same buddy list.

Yesterday we finally talked and these are some of the things he said "it's only a game that got out of hand." and he also said, "It has cooled down a lot with her." I asked if he loved her and if he had a committed relationship with her and he said I don't love her and how can I have a committed relationship with her if she's 10,000 miles away." I asked for him to stop talking to her, other then work of course, I understand that they have to work together. But he said, "I cannot stop talking to her because I have to work with her and she'll quit and there's a lot of work that she does. Then my boss is going to be mad with me if she quits. I will stop talking to her if the company goes down or I get fired." The company has really been suffering a lot and its possible that it might close.

I'm confused as to what to think. We were separated/mad for a few days, he sent me an email with a song called "see if you can sleep with a broken heart" and he bought me a teddy bear and dropped it off at my door. He texted me many times asking me to forget about that online girl, because is nothing.

We started talking again, he said he was weak and should've not done anything for me. I'm not sure if he has any feelings for me. He won't tell me.

He said, "decide what you want to do, because I'm tired of you weeping around, being depressed and angry at me."

I really love him and want to be with him but I haven't been able to ignore that online situation that he has going on, which I've tried so far.

What do you think?

View related questions: depressed, my boss, text

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (9 April 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntHere let me interpret for you:

“it was only a game that got out of hand”

TRANSLATION: I don’t love you enough to control myself

“it’s cooled down a lot”

TRANSLATION She won’t play with me any more

“ cannot stop talking to her because … she’ll quit”

TRANSLATION: I don’t WANNA, give her up and if I use WORK as an excuse you can’t make me…

“decide what you want to do, because I'm tired of you weeping around, being depressed and angry at me."”

TRANSLATION: I want out but I’m too chickenshit to do it myself so I’ll dump our break up and all the guilt about it ON YOU.

Now you say you really love him…. What about him do you love?

The fact that he had an online affair

The fact that he lied to you

The fact that he is now blaming YOU for the breakup that’s coming?

I think that my response to him with respects to “decide what you want to do, because I'm tired of you weeping around, being depressed and angry at me."

Is to say I know what I want and it’s NOT you.

Then move on.

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (8 April 2012):

PerhapsNot agony auntRed flag #1:

"He said, "decide what you want to do, because I'm tired of you weeping around, being depressed and angry at me."

He has issued an ultimatum. He is telling you you to either get over it, OR to break up. You'd think after carrying on an inappropriate relationship with that woman, that he would do anything to get back in your good graces. He should be patient and accept consequences, but he doesn't want to do that. Even though HE is the one that messed up, he is making ultimatums. Honestly, I think he is giving you an out and hoping that you will dump him, so that he doesn't have to do deal with the consequences of his actions.

He just doesn't want to do the work because he doesn't care. All he did was sending you a lame song, a teddy bear and a few texts. He thought that was enough and doesn't want to put in any more effort. Frankly this should speak volumes to you. He's just not that invested in you because he has this other chick lined up.

Red Flag #2:

"some of the things he said "it's only a game that got out of hand." and he also said, "It has cooled down a lot with her."

How did it get out of hand? And how do YOU know it has cooled down? And the most important question is: how HEATED was it really? I am sure he will never tell you the truth.

"he said, "I cannot stop talking to her because I have to work with her and she'll quit and there's a lot of work that she does. Then my boss is going to be mad with me if she quits. I will stop talking to her if the company goes down or I get fired."

First off, what is her title in the company and what is your husbands title? Are these two positions REALLY dependent on each other to accomplish work, or is this all just BS? And this is the most puzzling part: he is saying that if he stops talking to her she will quit her job? WHAT?! Does that even make sense to you? Why would this woman quit her job if our boyfriend no longer speaks to her? It's completely illogical. I have never seen an employee that quit because the other one refused to speak to them. EVER. And why would the boss be upset with him if this woman quits? It's HER decisions to quit. No one blames the third party for someone quitting, ESPECIALLY when it's related to "not speaking".

Your boyfriend is pulling lies out of his ass. And not very logical or convincing ones at that. He has issued you an ultimatum on top of it. I think it's pretty clear how low you stand on his priority list. There is nothing you can do to fix this relationship because he doesn't feel the need to extend his energy and efforts to rebuild your trust in him. It's over.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012):

I think, I wouldnt invest any more time or emotion in this man. He lied to you by denying it when asked if he was talking to someone. Then he was shady when he knew you might be on to him. He didnt want to stop what he was doing even though he must have known something was up because you were asking questions. But instead of stopping the cheating, he set out to make it harder for you to discover. It will be very difficult to trust someone like that.

As he is a liar, even describes himself as weak and has a feeble amount of regard for you. Upsetting as it might be in the short term. Having seen his true colours, I would let him go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012):

you have to look at this way, are u going to forget? are u going to trust him again? because if u want to be with this person u have to know that they are worth it. dont go back if ur not going to let it go because u will only hurt urself remember u do what u have to do but only u will feel ur pain and only u will feel ur happiness. do what u know id right to u, put ur happiness above everything because he did while he was talkin to that chik and didnt think about u. be strong keep ur head up dont give up

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (8 April 2012):

Ciar agony auntI'm afraid I don't believe his bologna story. Even if true it still doesn't say much for him.

The bottom line is he's been having an online affair for quite some time. If he has no feelings for the woman then he's been stringing her along. He refuses to stop and he's tired of you being hurt and annoyed about it. Now he's given you an ultimatum.

I say call his bluff and walk away (but only if you're prepared to walk away). Not easy, I know, but staying with him would be even harder. There are other jobs for him and other men for you.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (8 April 2012):

janniepeg agony auntWhether his story is true or not, he is not emotionally available to you and you feel neglected. As weird as his story sounds, I do believe people have to do what they have to do to keep a job, even if means being deceptive. His efforts in trying to cheer you up was lame. The first sentence to that song is, even when you are million miles away, I could still feel you in my bed, near me, touch me, feel me. It really sounds like this is what the filipina sent to him, and he is forwarding it to you. His life is really stressed out and is stressing you out too. You don't have to work yourself up thinking what your next step is. I think a separation is good for now because you two being close would just bring out the worst in each other. All you have to know is that because of all the stress he can't love you right now.

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