A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice from anyone in the uk that has ever had to go to court so their ex can see their child.I have never stopped my ex seeing my son yet he is taking me to court for access. He wants to have my son from Fri to Sunday every alternative weekend. I am unhappy about this has my son is not even 2 yet and does not know his dad. I have offered him all the contact he could want, he could of been seeing him 3/4 times a week but he always had excuses and then at xmas I asked him to come and see him on xmas eve and again he was full of excuses and didnt bother. Then suddenly this. What should I expect and please tell me he won't get weekend access straight away? Surely he will have to prove himself first? Supervised to start with has my son does not know him?If anyone can help with any advise at all then that would be fantastic. And please no judging has I have not stopped him from having contact with our son to start with, he did that all by himself. I do believe my son deserves better but I will give my ex a chance for my sons sake and I hope he sticks to it and doesn't let him down. I just need advice. Thanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012):
My son has just gone through this over the last few months.
The access started at a family liason place a couple of hours a week, where both parents went along with the baby, it was supervised. (Both parents were supervised)
Then after eight weeks my son was given three hours a week, at his home, for four weeks, then it was moved up to two days a week, for 4-1/2 hours each day, that will be for four weeks and then it moves up to six hours on both those days.
The mother came up with all sorts of reasons why she didn't want my son to see his baby, but the courts ruled that there was NO reason whatsoever why he should not have access rights.
However, my son had shown total dedication towards his son right from the start, including when his son was seriously ill in hopsital for three months, never leaving his side 24/7.
My son's solicitor had previously advised him that he could be awarded every other weekend Friday to Sunday, so I don't know, maybe this is the usual limits they try to aim for with father and son?
This is very recent, and so very probably the usual way to go, I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Go to Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) they will tell you about your rights. Everything is about what's best for the child. The courts will weigh up the rights of the child to bond and get to know his father, against the needs of a child to take time to know this stranger, and his natural need to have his mother around for comfort.
You can I'm sure tell them that the child is too young and may be frightened and you'd prefer to go slowly. They will take this into account I'm sure. At 2years of age they are not going to want the child separated from the mother for very long and they will be aware that the child will be frightened, needy and tired. I doubt they will agree to overnight stays until the child is older.
But right now you need legal advice, and the CAB will give you that and they are free. Please don't worry too much, nothing is written in stone, it's always about what's best for the child, and at any time either one of you can go back to court and say the arrangement isn't working.
PS: You should also still have a health visitor around. You could have a word with her and she/he may be able to help you further, as they are experts on children below the age of 5.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): My ex wanted to have our 2 children some weekends, they were 7&8 at the time and I was issued the court papers only 3 weeks before. I also had never stopped his access.
I got a solicitor who wasnt available for the first hearing as it was so quick, he wrote to the judge though. As my two were older we were given a court welfare woman who arranged to interview the children in an appropriate way and individualy,alone. Ultimately it came down to the result from that.
At the final hearing everything was taken into account myself & my ex had said and what he proposed for access. My 2 didnt want to go overnight I discovered, they did not want to have contact with his g/f who they felt didnt want them around.
The judge said he would have to have access to fit in with the children and their lives, not his social calender. He got one day at the weekend and was told if the children at a later date wanted more they could re-assess.They never did, but kept weekly visits and he took them on holiday alone a couple of times.He and I coped with all the major life issues they had between us though.It was good for the children getting what they wanted, but meant I had them 24/7. This is something you have to consider.
I would get a family solicitor and voice your concerns as your child cant voice theirs at such a young age.The process takes place in a room with you & your ex plus solicitors and the judge so its pretty stressful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): Thank you so much for your advise, I am going to see my solicitor next week. I will write everything down has much has I can remember.I was hoping he would have to prove himself first which has put my mind at ease. I just do not think he will stick to it, I hope he does stick to it for my son's sake but I certainly have my reservations. I just worry about my son, about him staying with him has my son will not go an stay with anyone, he is very much a mummies boy and does not settle well in a new environment at night. I have taken him away a few times and everytime he just does not settle and that is with me there. My ex does not cope well under stress, when we were together he once walked out because our little boy through a tantrum when eating his dinner, couldn't cope and I dread to think how he would cope if he did that now. My son is going through the terrible 2's stage and throws some loverly tantrums and he has a right temper. I just think he would struggle dealing with that and needs help with how to deal with situations like that has that worries me if that makes sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): I can totally empathise with how you feel.A few years ago I was in a similar situation. My advice is to get a good solicitor who specialises in family law. Use a diary to record anything significant, times he didn't turn up, times you offered contact and he didn't take it. From my personal experience, this is how it will go. He will be given supervised contact at a family centre, you will be there most likely on a Saturday. This will start with maybe two hours and then be extended, if your son is ready for it. If everything goes well he will then be allowed to take him out for an hour or two unsupervised. To put your mind at ease there is no way he will immediately get every other weekend access with a child not even 2 with whom he has no relationship, my daughter had just turned 2 when the process started for us. Eventually he will get if he can prove his committment every other weekend access and then one evening a week the week he doesn't have the weekend. Prior to your son going anywhere he will most likely receive a visit from a social worker to make sure his home is suitable and that he can cope for a full weekend.I know what you are going through and its scary, but the courts from my experience have the childrens best interests at heart, yes having access to both parents is important but that goes at the pace of the child, not someone who has just decided he would like to play Daddy, good luck!!xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 I am not in the UK but Aust law based on UK system.
It sounds to me as if somebody has been giving him advise, maybe there is a new woman on the scene, who fancies playing mummy.
If you can remember dates when you have arranged for your ex to visit and he didn't turn up, write them down. When he didnt turn up at Christmas, write it down, write down what you can remember of the plans that were made and sequences of events.
You need to build a picture showing (accurately and with as little emotion as possible) how you ex has not taking advantage of opportunities offered to become familiar with your son's routine. Explain that as he is practically a stranger to the baby you would like supervised day time only visits to start. Ask for stringent guidelines for the father to follow. If the visits ar to happen at a grandparents there needs to be strict guidlines the child not be to taken from that place without the grandparent etc as well.
Start keeping a diary. This can be as simple as an exercise book, BUT DONT REMOVE ANY PAGES! You can scribble stuff out, but torn out pages will make the book unsuitable for court evidence. Note the time of all contact, whether ifs a phone call, text, email, face to face etc. Note as close as possible what was discussed.
Above all try and remain calm and seek legal advise.
Good luck!
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