A
male
age
41-50,
*ewMod
writes:Hi. I’m having a real crisis of the heart here. Let me explain.I’m not really sure if I’m happy in my current relationship and I think we need a break. My g/f and I have been together for a year now and we moved in together approximately two months ago. I love her, but I’m starting to have my doubts about whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I haven’t dated nearly enough women for someone of my age. As the child of an unhappy marriage, my biggest fear in life is entering into an unhappy marriage, myself. So, I want to be as sure as I can be before taking the “next step.” And yes, I know that means that I could very easily lose this woman that I love.I wasn’t trying to lead this woman on—I do love her and thought I was ready for a greater level of commitment. I’ve begun to have many doubts since we moved in together, though, and I presently want to just spend some time on my own, dating around and figuring out what I really want out of life.The problem is, this particular woman REALLY loves me. She recently commented that she “worships the ground that I walk on.” And she does--she's so good to me, it's almost amazing. She has some emotional issues, stemming in part from her heavy use of recreational drugs in high school and college, in part from some particularly sleazy men she involved herself with in the past and in part from an abortion that she had in her early 20’s. She's since turned her life around, but she often tells me that I saved her life when we met. Once, during a fight that we had about some of the less-lady-like aspects of her past (she was pretty promiscuous during her early 20’s), she told me that she has found her soul mate in me and that she would kill herself if I ever broke off our relationship. I'm not sure how hyperbolic she was being, either. She tried to kill herself after having her abortion in college (by ODing), so I can’t just dismiss that as an empty threat, can I?I don’t know what to do. I really, REALLY love this woman, but I’m just filled with doubt. How can she be so sure that she’s ready to spend the rest of her life with me? I’m just not sure what I want. In fact, it’s worth the risk to know for sure. Seeing how unhappy my parents were together, I’d rather be alone than trapped in a loveless marriage (I'm not really in favor of divorce and I'm not sure I could ever pursue one). I feel like I really just need a little time apart from her to evaluate my feelings on these issues. I’m afraid to suggest that we take a break, though, because I don’t know how badly she would take it. Any thoughts?
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male
reader, NewMod +, writes (29 November 2007):
NewMod is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies—I feel a little better already. I don’t really have a follow-up question, but I thought I’d give a bit more insight. As many of you have noticed, the truth is that I don’t really want to leave this woman, or hurt her with these uncertainties that I’m having.
I’m just SO AFRAID of marrying the wrong person. My mother spent the better part of her life completely unhappy because she married a loser of a man (my father) who was completely emotionless and selfish. I would do anything to not go through the pain that she went through.
Thanks to this, I have a completely jaded, pessimistic view on the institution of marriage (I’d go so far as to say I generally dislike the idea of marriage). In fact, there was a point when I actually vowed that I would never get married, based on what I saw growing up. I’ve come to soften my stance somewhat over the years, but I guess I’ve just never been this close to marriage before. I actually ended a five-year relationship with my college girlfriend when she started pressuring me to marry her a couple of years ago. My current g/f is the first woman that I’ve ever agreed to live with, so we’re obviously very close (closer than I've been with anyone else).
Still, I just don’t know how people KNOW when they’ve found THE ONE. To me, it just seems like people eventually tire of dating, get afraid that they’ll spend the rest of their lives alone and “settle” for someone. Personally, though, I’m far more afraid of marrying the wrong woman than I am of being alone. I think my g/f’s “neediness” is only adding to the pressure that I’m feeling. I’m hopeless. Maybe I do need a good therapist…
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (29 November 2007):
It sounds to me like the both of you are dealing with a lot of fears. Your fears of commitment based on your parents bad marriage. Her fears of abandonment, based on not sure what -- but usually people who use drugs and are promiscuous are hurting for some reason.
But you say you love her, and she loves you. My advice is to not take that for granted. That's precious and valuable, and it's not something you want to throw away just because you are scared. My advice to you would be to really look at these doubts and fears and what they are about. Are your doubts truly about your girlfriend? What is it that is bothering you about her specifically? Or are these things your own issues and fears from the past? Are you possibly feeling that things have moved to a very close, intimate place and that scares you, because it puts you in a vulnerable position? Are you scared of her needing you too much? Do you wish she was stronger and didn't need to lean on you so much? Are you trying to "retreat" because it will make you feel more comfortable and emotionally safe?
I think you need to spend some time getting much more clear about what the real issues are. Not sure that "taking a break and dating more women because you haven't dated enough" is really the right solution. You will hurt and possibly lose your curent girlfriend, and what exactly is it that you expect to get out of it? Maybe you find another girl and end up right back in the same place 2 or 3 years from now, close to another woman and feeling the same doubts and discomfort. One thing I've learned when dealing with fears and issues is that the stuff that feels uncomfortable and that you want to avoid looking at is exactly the place where the real issues are and where you need to find the courage to explore.
Before you bail on this relationship, perhaps you should find a good therapist and explore some of this stuff.
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (29 November 2007):
 You sound like a fairly intelligent man, so it shouldnt be difficult to rationalise with you. Its not your fault that you suddenly find yourself in a position where you can't seem to get your head around. The moving in together has probably smacked you in the head, having you realise that you havent play the field as much as you'd like yourself to, and that you should do it now when you're not too old. I can assure you that what you're feeling is absolutely normal and fair, and that the sort of attitude you have regarding your relationship with your current girlfriend is exactly the type I would've suggested you to have.
But what nags me about this is the fact that you have found yourself a damn near 'perfect' woman, who would do anything for you, and most importantly, whom you happen to love as well. As much as I'd agree for you to sort your head out, it does seem a shame that you are willing to throw your relationship with this woman away just because you felt you havent had the experience you wanted with other women! Trust me when I say that finding someone like your current girlfriend will not come easy, and if/when you decide to come back to her after sorting your head out, it may all just be a little too late! You need to really think about this, for once the foot goes out the door, it might be the last time you get back in. You fear of getting into an unhappy marriage with this woman, but whos to say that you won't get into one with the next, or the next, etc? Life is a gamble my friend, and there's nothing you nor I can do to make certain of it.
I guess what Im trying to say here is that you have a really good thing going here, so why jeopardise it just due to the lack of dating experiences? If you werent in love with her, then Id certainly say get out, and sort your head out, but its clearly not the case here, is it, or otherwise you wouldnt be confused as you are now. Of course, as everything else, ultimately, the choice is yours. You should not be guilty about the choices you make when you make them with the right intentions. Good luck.
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