A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, iam 22 and iam in love with what sometimes seems to be the perfect partner. In person we are great together, with the odd minor quibble, otherwise everything is fine and we're both very much in true love. Okay the problem is phone calls, me and my girlfriend live about 200 miles apart, that being said we do stop with each other a lot, usually we're together 4 or 5 days then apart a couple, or apart a week then back together 4 or 5 days. When we're apart we speak a lot on the phone and this is becoming a major problem. A lot of the time she shows me very little if any care or consideration to my feelings and when i try to be supportive and help with her feelings i get dragged down and made to be upset and feel hurt a lot. Things such as she would tell me shes feeling upset or down and when i ask about it, she wouldn't want to talk about it, or she won't say why, then later on make me feel really bad by saying i don't care and i don't understand and things along the lines that iam not being supportive. I really hate this, and i really hate how horrible and inconsiderate she is to me on the phone, i could actually say i hate her on the phone, sometimes i get really angry with my upset towards her and insult her a lot, usually this is because when we're talking i get nothing but sarcasm and comments which seems like she just wants to cause trouble on the phone. I don't know what to think about this or do any more, i love her and want everything to be great how it can be, but i can't stand this hatred on the phone and how hurtfull she is to me. Any help or support would be greatly appreciated, Thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're definitely right with some things you said! Thanks for your response. With us being so far apart, we both actually really resent that, and she does say it frequently, not so long ago last year we spent a few months together without being apart which i think contributes to this. We have spoken of living together and would do it, but at the moment money is a problem for both of us seperately and living together would require job changes etc, so it's not a reasonable thing for us to actually do right now. Although we both want to live together and yes she does want me to go to her area, money is currently stopping that, and we have both talked about this and a lot about us living together and we understand that until our money situation is different we're going to have to wait. I would like to touch on a couple things you have said as well, like about drawing her out, knowing she has something on her mind and letting her know i want to know about it. I do this, regularly, and i do actually genuinely want to know about things and talk them out, she doesn't open up to me much, i get the basics.... like shes upset or feeling down etc, but i don't get the reasons why, and when i ask she declines to tell, or she hints at the problems, and then eventually after asking and asking and even when she says she dont want to talk i will probe further until i stop and have no choice but to give up. This however then leads to her assaulting me about how i don't care and i don't listen and iam not supportive etc, yet iam not given the chance to be, like i said it's almost as if she wants trouble. Also i'd like to say that we have already spoke in person about the phone issue and even though she makes a promise to stop this kind of thing, it happens still time and time again, almost as if talk is useless about this, and i can't stop the pain on the phone. There isn't anyone else either, iam 100% certain about her feelings, she tells me often enough, and she also does eventually appoligize but it's as if she can't stop being hurtful on the phone, once she did say something interesting, that it's almost as if shes jealous of me. In the sense that iam usually happy and jolly and look on the possitive side of everything, but she doesn't/can't and thus it seems like this is becoming the main reason for it all, but i don't see it, i try to make her positive, and this just seems to make her want to be more negative. This side of things concerns me a lot, she does have confidence issues and i try a lot to help build her confidence and do the best for her, but it's rare she wants to do it herself, usually she would rather criticize herself and then take it out on me and not want to help anything, until the apoligies and then she says she wants to change, it's very complicated and very stressful to my heart, i would do anything to make things better for her and to stop the phone calls and the constant negative moods, but i've tryed everything and now i am lost for the answers but to wait it out and hope she decides to change it all. Anyway thanks for your help, hope you can get a better insight now and see further into our relationship ways. Cheers.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 I think she resents the fact that you both live so far apart and would even want you to move there to be with her but just doesn't want to say it. Would you ever consider this?
Even when she says there's nothing wrong, she just wants you to probe more. Women like to be drawn out so tell her you know she has something on her mind and continue to draw her out by asking questions. That way she'll see you're genuinely interested and not just asking because you think you have to, but because you WANT to.
If she still won't open up then you need to mention this phone business to her next time you are together but NOT when you're on the phone to her. Much better to talk about it in person, that way you can see her face and body language, give her a cuddle and vice versa. On the phone it's all to easy just to hang up then regret it afterwards.
Another possibility... are you sure there isn't anyone else? It could be she just doesn't have the same feelings for you any more and is wanting to cause an argument in the hope you break up with her. I, personally don't think that is the case, (you know her better than I do) but it is a possibility.
Eve
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