A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 26 years old, married for about 3 years. I am a positive person with self-esteem and confidence in the future. I have a great CV with high education and experience. However it is not easy to find good income work in the country I live in where most good positions rely on networking. Nonethless, I really try hard to have a career and am positive that I will succeed. I do not ask for much in life, just the usual middle-class dream: flat, family, car, holidays. I often feel guilty for wanting these mainly material things and am very worried that due to my low income will never be able to have even half.I am married to a kind and funny man, 2 years older than me. We both come from middle-class families but different backgrounds as I am from a different country and my parents educated me in a different way. Just like my husband, I was given lots of love but in addition my parents also had expectations for me and were quite intellectual. My mum is a very strong, achieving woman who was always my role model. My husband´s parents were not very worried about their sons future. They didn´t push him, strive to give him independence or talk to him about his plans. His mother is a home-maker and his father had a well-paid job. They have a 30 yar old daughter that still lives with them. They are good people and they found it difficult to accept that heir son, when only 25 decided to get married. They have accepted me though. Unfortuntately I still havent accepted them. I see them as small-minded people ( quite xenophobic actually) with a good heart. I wanted a bit more from my inlaws. Since I live in a very family-dependent society I cannot easily get over having them as inlaws. We dont fight but I really fell so alien, so not-my-self when with them.My husband has a university degree without many career choises. He was neither lucky nor ambitiuos in his career. He thinsk of work as a necessary evil, something that simply pays your bills. He has a low-income job with no prospect of advancement. However, this doesnt make him unhappy as he has more free time and can dedicate himslf to other free time activities. In a way I admire him for his humbleness but on the other hand he is my husband and I do expect him to be a bit more ambitious and to plan ahead. He constantly repeats that even though things didnt work out for him, that they may work out for me and that he will always be there for me. However, I feel that this has put an additonal strain on me to be the bread-winner. Now, since we live in he 21 century and I strongly beleve in the power of women I feel that a modern inverted marriage like this one should be given a chance. However, I am very afraid because no mtter how hard I try, my reality is that of an inmigrant woman( outsider), without any contacts and that my chances of success are smaller. I feel that I am with a man I love but my pragmatic head tells me that he has no future prospects or dreams and that I will end up being unhappy. It happened to my mum, my dad turned out to be great financial burden and she still has so many issues as a result. Both she and I are afraid it will happen to me as well.In summary my biggest problem is that I really love a man with whom I am not sure I can share my life( in terms of practical money matters). Of course, it is much beter than being lone. My chances of having the good life alone are far worse off. However, I feel tht alone I would at least have no one to demand things from, noone to put the blame on but myself. I feel that it is not fair to expect my husband to fulfill all my pragmatic needs. He knows all the things I want from life and in response he says that although he cannot give them to me, it helps him lot and that he preferes to be nagged than to be abandoned. I really think that if I left him I would ruin his life.I have already tried to break up but the pain for both of us was so strong that we decided to stay. I really dont know where to go from here. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you
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ambition, confidence, money, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 It is smart of you to consider the issue of being left with unfair burdens as your mother was left, but you are creating a problem where one does not seem to exist. You love each other, and he is happy with what he does, and you are happy making the money you make. You want all of these material possesions, and I think you are still trying to live out the fairy tale princess ideal...you will destroy your reality with your illusions of what is suppose to be.
Keep a watchful eye on the finances if you do not want to end up in debt, but at the same time, you could end up poor even if you married a rich man, who has the power of attorneys to see you get nothing. You have to develop an appreciation for what you have, which you lack right now.
-FBK
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I think you need to accept who he is and his "lack" of ambition. Your drive and determination for life is admirable and an excellent quality to find in someone, but not everyone has the same drive as you do.
Does he try at least to pay his own fair share of the bills etc...? Does he acknowlege this?
Money unfortuantly does make the world go around these days but it doesnt have to stop it. You have to focus on your own goals and enjoy what you have with him. You seem insecure in this relationship because you are the bread winner, are you really comfortable with that?
You fell in love with him as a person, as a human. Surely his traits that you fell for are attached to his desire to enjoy life in his own way; the same way you do but differently. As long as these ways arent stopping the relationship to grow and evolve i dont think you have any problems apart form your own, which you must overcome if you really love him and want this to work.
Take his family out of the picture, they are not part of the realtionship between you and him. His family may not be your cup of tea, but if you love him you must see that they made him who he is. Respect that. If you dont like that, then the choice is clear.
R
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Let me remind everyone of something. When you love someone, why does money matter? His happiness should be what's important to you. When you marry someone, it's for richer or poorer. As long as he's working at all, and he's showering you with love and affection, you shouldn't let this bother you at all.
DV1
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Step back my dear, take a deep breath and realize that flats, cars and holidays are our Americanized way of thinking but do they really bring us happiness? No. They are just "things" and it may be time for you to see things differently. You say you love this man and the two of you seem to have great fun together, with or without huge amounts of money or high aspirations. This to me, is more important than all the material things and "status quo". And I speak from experience. I had climbing career, the huge suburban home, the nice cars, the wonderful vacations with my wife, but it can all fall apart without warning. The company I worked for downsized and I was left without a job, even after devoting half my life to my career and being damn good at what I did. My marriage was in shambles because once it came right down to it, our relationship was lacking true intimacy. It was empty inside and she eventually left me for some bloke who could give her none of those things, only his heart and the fact that he could make her laugh, so she felt young again. Life is what you make it. If you have a good relationship, enjoy what you have without dissecting it or making it into someone else's dreams and expecations. There are plenty of ways to have fun with going on exotic vacations or spending huge amounts of money. They end up leaving you empty in the long run. Keep it simple. Love deeply, show affection, laugh often and just enjoy what you have together. I wish you the best.
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