A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've dated a lot, but always seemed to encounter jerks who didn't treat me well or did not make me a priority. I pretty much had written off men, but tried this one last set-up date. He ended up being everything I had ever wanted--intelligent, cute, fun, classy, has the same values and morals as me, can afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom which is what I want. Everything was "right" so I agreed to marry him. The problem is that we never had a strong sexual chemistry. I thought all of the other stuff was more important, which it probably is in the long run...but there is just NO SPARK ON MY END. Can I live a life without a spark? I don't feel that feeling when he holds my hand, when he kisses me, when he touches me, etc. Sometimes I get irritated and push him away (literally). Should I stilll marry him? The wedding is planned. Am I just afraid to commit? Or is it simply that you MUST have that chemistry, spark, feeling in the beginning of a relationship and I do not? HELP.Thank you.-Struggling
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Stick with the counsellor. It's going to be scary but well worth it.
It could be you are just scared period and also, pushing him away is part of the akwardness you feel out of the taking care of other people, doing and giving your all to these emotionally unavailable men...boredom just covers this feeling which is really overwhelming to women that love too much...you no longer get to pay attention to someone else's welfare...that is why you are pushing him away...it's uncomfortable as hell especially since you've been doing it since you were a kidlet.
You need, crave the chaos to nullify the pain of childhood...distaction and also something you turned into a coping, survival mechanism.
Did you have a parent that was an alcoholic?
You seem to have traits as if one was.
A
female
reader, Olive529 +, writes (13 March 2007):
I actually have been to a psychologist twice in the last couple of weeks (it was my first time ever), but the conversation was more about the fact that maybe I was turned off because he was too overwhelming, giving, smothering, etc. I did bring up my parents, but we didn't get into this much. I would like to further explore this with a counselor. I'm also a very emotional person and at times feel not happy or depressed about my life. I cry easily, too.
Do you think I am turning myself off and avoiding him out of fear? And I'm putting up walls? Do you think it might help to take things slowly as far as intimacy? And to tell him these things?
By the way, I really apprecite all of your words of advice! Thank you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Spark is more of a psycological.
You are not used to a man who can see your best intrests just as important as your own which a good, honest, loving man who was raised with positive role models would be like...his smothering is in fact his respect and love for you, his overwhelming is you registering just how scary and foreign real, healthy love is for you.
There is a way to know, counselling-but for some reason, you again cancel out this viable, real avenue, why would that be?
Let me suggest a book for you "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
It will offer insight and does have answers if that is what you really want-but you don't, not yet anyways...any addict, any woman who had abandonment and neglect in their childhood has to hit rock bottom before making a realization that there is more to life than the pain and suffering and they deserve better.
I wish this for you.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Ah...so you have already decided he isn't anything but smothering,too available just means so not used to those who were so unavailable, I know...no one likes to admit that they might be self sabotaging themselves and that is why counselling is a good course of action to take as this still needs to be addressed.
Get angry and get defensive and place on him-still avoid dealing with your issues and I know...it sucks to be shown your pain and have focus on you because it makes you feel too much pain...you aren't capable of even loving and healing yourself because you don't think you deserve it and you are scared of facing up to facts that your childhood home really was more upsetting and ugly than you can deal with.
I wish you the best.
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female
reader, Olive529 +, writes (13 March 2007):
But what if it is simply that I don't have a strong physical attraction to him? I know my childhood could play a role in who I am attracted to, but how do I force myself to feel wonderful when being intimate with Sparkless? Maybe it's just not there. Maybe it's because he is too needy, too available, too smothering,too overwhelming and that is a turn-off?? Maybe it's just because those chemicals/pheromones do not exist for me when I am with him? Chemistry is a chemical thing. What if it is that and not my own personal issues with love and being loved? It seems that there is no way to know...and the choice I make could be the best choice or the worst choice in my life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): And you are scared as hell from Sparkless because he is a foreign concept, he is alien and we fear the unknown.
You feel super uncomfortable around him especially when it comes to intamacy because what it really is...is he doesn't bring you CHAOS which is a good distraction from your childhood. He is quiet and this give you more than enough time to think and dwell and remember. You don't like being alone with yourself because you don't really love yourself...you don't think you deserve love and you don't really know who you are because you have been so wrapped up in taking care of those unattainable men, putting your all into them....you lost yourself.
You are TERRIFIED to trust in him as you don't know what he will bring...subconciously you knew the emotionally unavailable men wouldn't really choose you.
I know, it's a kicker.
Please get counselling so that you can learn to deal and cope with you childhood issues of abandonment, neglect, machoism, martyrdom, worth so that you can reprogram yourself to function healthily and know what a good man you have.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): I'm saying past boyfriends represented absent dad and that mom and dad fought...just what did you feel when this happened? What did you think?
It's your fault they fight? You need to take care of Mom? You need a to be a better daughter?
I know it all.
So, what is going on is that past BF's are Absent Dad that when he does come around, he brings fighting and dischord...CHAOS.
Mom and Dad taught you that CHAOS is love. WRONG.
Also, you now have in you the desire to use sex to win the love and affection of emotionally and physically unavailable men. So that is where the passionate sex comes from...the high of winning them...for that moment...you matter, you deserve love. Sex is love. WRONG.
That it is passionate again is because it is usually make up sex. So after fighting and building up tension and anger and getting all in knots...good, make up sex releases it, takes the edge off the pain...ADDICTION.
So the spark is really an addiction to emotionally unavailable men.
That is what I am saying.
Been there, done that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I agree with my neighbors up north, but I still can't seem to feel excited to see him or kiss him or make love to him. In bed, I don't like to hold him and I don't like when he holds me. I know that he is wonderful, kind, generous and loving, but I just can't seem to feel excited and attracted to him when he is around. At times I find him annoying. Moreover, I fear our kisses will lead to sex which I just haven't enjoyed all that much. After sex, usually the woman likes to cuddle a bit or express some type of love and affection, but with him I just want to turn over and go to sleep. Why am I like this?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Hi, I think my fellow Canadian hit the nail on the head. Maybe that "spark" you thought you had with the other guys was the thrill of chasing the "bad boy"? You may need to rethink and retrain yourself to be thrilled with what you have - cute, smart, fun and classy sounds pretty Hot!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Malyce_Synn72: I enjoyed reading your response. I do agree with quite a bit of it. In the beginning of my relationship I told him about the men I've always dated...they were a challenge, they were never around, I was always wanting and needing more from them. The weird thing is that there was that passion, spark and good sex. However, we fought and fought and it eventually ended. I did not have horrible childhood. Of course, I do remember my parents fighting at times and my dad wasn't around a ton as he was a fireman and held a second job. My mother was a stay-at-home mom and was always there for me for everything. My mom cooked, cleaned and fed the family at 5:30 every day. I suppose that is the type of relationship I want to expect and that's what I'm attracted to. Is that sort of what you were saying?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Let me see...by the sounds of choosing men that weren't good choices-you are indirectly claiming they had this spark that seems to be lacking in the new guy, correct?
The new guy can offer you comfort, support, friendship, stability, the chance to be a good, present, available Mother to your child(ren), shares very similar values and yet...no spark.
Hmmm.
Was childhood not a very good one? Was childhood witout both or one parent present? Was there alcohol abuse, drug abuse, how about emotionally absent or unavailable Father or Mother?
What we women that LOVE TOO MUCH tend to believe about ourselves is that we are unworthy of love and thus are martyrs put that with if we can just love more, do more, give our all, eventually the men who give us a spark will eventually love us, accept us, and be the men we want- which translates to Mom or Dad will now love us.
I'm not kidding. There is truth to this.
What the lack of spark is, is the excitement of the turmoil of our childhood has filled a void in us and with it helped us avoid or cope with all our anger, fear, pain over not having a good childhood. We learnt to deny ourselves happiness unless we suffer to earn it first. Machoism.
So with this excitement of choosing those men that had alcohol problems or were overly work obsessed...we put these obstacles for us to jump and overcome so we can earn the love. We have to work 100 X harder than the woman that comes from a good, loving, nurturing home where both Mom and Dad were healthy, loving adults and taught their daughters what a good and healthy relationship is about.
To us, we see such relationships as boring. We do. There is no challenge. We haven't earned anything. It shouldn't be so easy as we have been taught we don't deserve it.
YOU DO DESERVE IT.
I say get counselling and trust that this man is a good man. Be happy he isn't your childhood and that he can help you overcome the scars of your childhood.
It's okay to finally say my childhood was horrid. It's okay to face it, you should want to so you can be the best Mother to your child(ren) and teach them what a healthy, loving adult relationship is. You don't have to always be the strong one, you don't always have to keep it all together, it's okay to hurt and mourn over your past.
Stop running or your health will erode with it more of your self esteem.
Take this chance to change for the better and bring happiness and peace to your much hungry soul and heart.
This Good Man is the Right Man; you have just been programmed to cancel such men out as you don't know the difference or have experienced such a loving relationship before and it is scary as hell.
Chaos is more your natural state and Sparkless Man doesn't give this to you.
See that this is an unhealthy way of thinking and this thinking has continued your pain and suffering up to this point in your life.
Counselling. Choose The Right Man. Heal. Love.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I know this is hard, but just tell him how you feel. You never know he could feel the same way.
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female
reader, Rimmel  +, writes (12 March 2007):
The most important thing in a relationship is love. And personally, I think that spark IS love. Speak to him about it. Ask him if he feels a spark but be careful how you phrase it. If you are petrified of confrontation, like myself, do what's best for yourself. Can you really see yourself having a future with this guy?
All the best.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Hi there,
I wouldn't marry this chap if there is no spark. Although you will be comfortable financially you will end up being irritated with him and his sexual urges and you will grow to dislike him. I was in a situation like this at your age and eventually just the thought of him coming near me would fill me with disgust. It was unfair to pretend as he was a nice man and didn't deserve being treated like that. Have you had lots of true sexual feelings for other partners or are you relatively inexperienced. If the latter it may just be a question of time and you could show him what you enjoy. If you feel he is not someone that you genuinely fancy however, however hard it is I wouldn't go through with it and be open and honest with him.
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