A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello.Am having strong love feelings for my workmate. He is married with four children and according to what he always says he loves his wife and no woman can replace her although he can be available to any woman for fun without his wife knowing. Personally am married with three children. We have been working together closely for over six years now but this feelings have just cropped up and are killing me slowly inside. He is nice to me and I always catch him looking at me whenever we're having a meal with other colleagues or in any office meeting and I just can't avoid looking at him. All signs show that he is interested in me too but whenever we're having any chat with other colleagues, he assures people of how he can not have an affair with a married woman and I also assure them of not ever having an affair with a married man. Its either am imagining what doesn't exist but I feel I love this guy and yet I don't want anything to happen considering our being married. I feel like opening up and telling him how I feel so we can chat away out to ensure nothing happens between us. What is the right thing to do? I really don't want to get into this relationship because we are both married but my heart tells me otherwise. What should I do.
View related questions:
affair, married man, married woman Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello.
Thanks for your responses especially Sugarplum,WiseOwl and DVI. The truth is your responses have helped me evaluate my self. WiseOwl, you were not really harsh to annoy but were truthful in bringing me back to reality. The truth is my Husband works far away from me, we see each other once in a while and I think that the distance between me and him together with the close proximity to the workmate contributed to how I feel now. Thanks a lot because I have been able to snap out of fantacy to reality. Am a married woman who should totally look upto my own man, the workmate is a married man who should look upto his own woman. Sugarplum I agree with you, I should never open up to this guy and should avoid him at any cost on social events and stick to work related relations. Thank you everyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): To the last poster, what do her feelings for another man have to do with her being a mother or even a good mother??? I do not understand that. Are you saying she must compromise her own happiness, choose to maybe stay in a marriage that is not all that it's cracked up to be because of her children?Clearly there is something wrong with her marriage or she would not even be looking at another man outside of her marriage. Maybe hubby works long hours? Does not pay attention to his wife anymore? Maybe he is not making her feel special? Maybe he is emotionally cold or abusive. Maybe he puts her last in his life. Something is missing for her. So what needs to happen OP is you need to figure out what is missing, what is your husband not giving you that you are seeking out the attention of this other man? Have a good talk with your husband and tell him you need more attention and affection and give him a chance to step it up. If he cannot or will not, you must never stay married for the sake of convenience or fear of thinking you are a bad mom if you decided to divorce your husband. If you think things will change, they might for a short time but people always fall back into their same old patterns and behaviours. When the spark is gone, as I see it is for you, it is very difficult to get it back. But with some honesty and a lot of work as a couple, it is not beyond the realm of possibility to reignite your relationship. Question is do you want to? Do you truly love your husband?A mother is a mother regardless of her relationship status. Do not forget that. My ex always called me a bad mother because I did love him anymore and chose to leave our marriage. I could not and should not live the rest of my life pretending to love someone for the sake my child. As much as I want for him to have a family, it does him a disservice to see two parents together who are always fighting and miserable instead of apart and being able to co-exist and co-parent together in an amicable way. A good mom would not expose her child to a bad or unhappy environment.Do what your heart tells you. It is not easy and it may be a long and difficult road, whatever choice you make, but remember we have only ONE LIFE. Be true to yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 If you have to ask what the right thing to do is, there is something seriously wrong with you. You need to end your marriage if you, an adult, don't understand the concept of actually being married. Think of this: if you cheat on your husband with this guy, are you prepared to never see him or your children ever again? I hope that this other guy is worth losing your entire support system. I don't think that you know the difference between love and lust. I think that you're attracted to him, but you guys don't know each other enough to love each other. That's impossible. If you are slowly getting feelings for someone else, divorce your husband and tell your kids that you can't deal with being a mom anymore. That would be fair to your husband and your children. They'll be spared pain in the end run.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): Keep your feelings toward your co-worker to yourself, and direct your love to your husband and father of your children. Find fulfillment within your own marriage.
You are having an infatuation and hormonal reaction to a male; who happens to be familiar, in close proximity, and you are bored with your married life.
The fact that you show no evidence that this man has actually done anything more than look your direction, and reminded you aloud that he will not cheat on his wife; you can put your cheating thoughts to rest.
If not only for the fact you made vows to do so. You have a lot to lose. If you get away with it once, you'll do it again and again. To eventually be caught.
You have a problem with your marriage. That is the only reason people look to people on the outside. You are bored and ungrateful. Your mind is preoccupied with thoughts that will do more harm than good; when it should be focused on your job. Your behavior is very obvious to your colleagues.
They are adults and highly aware of your attraction. If you think otherwise, you're wrong.
If you didn't marry the right man; divorce him and go find anyone you please. The other guy happens to be taken.
Your heart isn't telling you anything. Your vagina is doing all the talking, my dear. You fantasize on having an affair and going for the forbidden fruit. The more you fantasize, the more endorphins you release. You are at the peak of your sexuality for women in your age-group; and this so-called "love" is nothing but lust. You are intrigued by the thought of stealing another woman's husband.
You and your husband need a getaway vacation to rekindle your love. You need to re-energize your sex-life; and break the humdrum routine of your life. You need to address buried marital issues, and discuss things you need that he is neglecting to provide. Otherwise; seek a divorce-lawyer and legitimately become a single woman.
Married people often live through several phases in their marriage, and age will change them over time. You tend to take for granted what you have; just because you your marriage no longer releases the endorphins ("feel good" hormones) that it once did. So you're attracted to another man and hoping to revive what's dead in your own marriage.
Get a grip lady. Claiming you don't want anything to happen to your marriage; yet sending out every signal you can to seduce a married man is a huge contradiction.
Cut it out.
It will not have a happy ending. It will not be as glamorous as portrayed in the soap operas. It's a tragedy in the making, and all you have to lose is everything.
Imagine a fight for the custody of your children. The look of disgust and hate on your husband's face; or the rage in the eyes of the other man's wife glaring in your direction. Is this worth even imagining?
Well, it's closer to reality than what's going on in your mind.
Reconnect with your husband. Open up and let him know if he has been closed-off, distant, or detached. Let him know if you are totally unfulfilled with your sex-life, and want to experiment. Revive what you have, before you you let it die.
Not once in your post do you say you love your husband.
That is the saddest part. Don't bother to add it as an after-thought. It should have been the first thing you indicated in your post.
You're a horny married lady, who is lusting for the arms of another woman's husband. Is that a pretty thought?
I hope your co-worker cares for his wife more than you do your husband. If you have it in your head to be a home-wrecker; he'll play you for easy sex, and your feelings will tear you apart upon the realization he intends nothing more.
You'll both have to undergo terrible divorces, and life will be hell before anything else.
He'll also have less respect for you; even if he is just as guilty.
Forgive my harshness. You need to snap back to reality.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 Don't open up to him or you are opening a can of worms. You need to keep your distance from this man and even consider changing jobs if that is an option. If you feel miserable now, you will feel worst after an affair. Its not worth it as you know he will never leave his wife for you.
Why make yourself and your family miserable over an affair and with a man that can never be yours.
Stay strong and stay away from this man unless you think a roll in the sack is worth a life time of pain and heartache. Read about all those woman who had emotional affairs, they all regret it.
...............................
|
