A
female
age
51-59,
*adyatx512
writes:Okay so I have been married for 18 years and the last 3 years my husband has carried on this friendship with a married woman. So he says its just a friendship, I have seen lately texts that she sends to him saying i love you and he replies back with I love you too! I have seen picture messages of her in a lingure that she sent him. I have asked him several times to put a stop to it. But low and behold I see her number on the cell phone bill. SO he changes his number to make me feel better but still I see her number. I am a at home mom and before he leaves for I work I give him a kiss and tell him to have a nice night. wow guess who he is talking to on the way to work well its her!!! Im so hurt and just at my wits ends please give me some advice, I really dont want to divorce him but I feel like it may be my only option for a peace of mind
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female
reader, ladyatx512 +, writes (24 December 2010):
ladyatx512 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice, I have filed my divorce papers and gave him his certified copy. Then he wanted to talk about the situation but he wanted to ask questions but not answer mine and when he did answer he would just say it's not what I think. But I am standing my ground and will finish what I started simply because he has giving me my own phone account, he has changed his passwords but If I want I am sure I can figure them out, but im done really wasting time on that. On the flip side he phone doesnt go off so much buts more than likely its on silent so I just have a I dont care attitude and know he wonders what im doing because I have really not been spending much time at home when he's off.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): He's saying "I love you" to another woman? this is bad.
this is no casual one-night-stand which already is a betrayal of your marriage, but a long-term relationship that involves real feelings for a woman other than you. These are much more resistant to ending, as you have found cos he keeps doing it for 3 years already and even when you found out. He is actually invested in this other woman, that's why he did not stop when you found out and confronted him.
If he tells her "I love you" and actually means it (maybe he doesn't mean it but who knows and frankly who cares at this point and would you believe him one way or the other?), that means your marriage is over. wake up and smell the roses. You don't want this man as your husband even if you were to make him choose and he chose you, if he chose you it could be because of the kids or finances. You just can never know how sincere he is when he tells YOU "I love you" if he's also been telling it to another woman.
If he truly sincerely loves her, you can't force him to not-love her anymore. You can make him stop seeing her (even though so far this hasn't worked either), but you can't force him to change his inner feelings.
I'm really sorry but I think your marriage is already over and the sooner you realize and accept it the sooner you can move on with your life in a healthy way and not waste time trying to 'save' this long-dead marriage. Confronting him, making him choose between you or her, trying to rebuild the marriage if he supposedly chooses you, is only going to be a waste of YOUR valuable time. You have to deal with not just your own trust issues , but he may also not be able to truly let her go which means it's never really over...
what I'm saying is, if he really has feelings for her (as demonstrated by his "I love you's") but gave her up by himself, that is a different story and there would be hope. But you forcing him to give her up may lead to the outward behavior changing but not the inner motivations. You are just prolonging this situation.
As for the thinking that divorcing him is just giving him to the other woman. IMO, this is a stupid reason to stay married. This is forcing him to stay with you based on your pride and saving face and nothing more. This will not improve the marriage.
Finally, have some self respect. Why do you still, every day, kiss him when he leaves for work when he's already been cheating on you and you know it?? You are sending him the message that his cheating is OK by you, that you don't really mind that he "loves" someone else while is still sharing a house and kids with you. That you will ask him to stop but doesn't mean he actually has to.
my vote is, divorce him but take him to the cleaners!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Married for 15 years to a husband that cheated on me almost 3 years ago... and I can tell you this... you get what you DEMAND. My husband flipped out... I won't go into the details, but suffice to say it was a nightmare. Porn, cheating... you name it. Prior to that he was upstanding.
I DEMANDED, I didn't ask. I also confronted the woman in question.
Demand that he honors his wedding vow or to take the vow back via divorce. He didn't get married to you 18 years ago so that he'd be freed up to date for heaven's sake. As long as he is married and he is your husband you have every right to demand that he doesn't commit adultery.
You are letting him get away with it...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): I think it's pretty obvious that he has been having an affair with this friend of his for the last 3 years.
Obviously even when you confronted him with the evidence and asked him to stop, he did not stop.
I think your only choices are to continue to put up with it, or give him an ultimatum that you will leave if he doesn't end his affair. But if you give the ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow through with it otherwise it's just an empty threat.
I'm also wary about when men supposedly end their affairs only because the wife "made" them. You can't make someone change if they truly don't want to of their own accord.
the only thing that will MAKE him want to end his affair is if the possibility of losing you is worse to him than ending his affair.
I think you need to have an honest talk with him and find out why is he having this affair, why is he telling another woman "I love you" - is he not getting enough from your marriage and if so why can't he bring the problem to you instead of having an affair? is he not invested in your marriage? Is he planning to leave you? Does he want to remain married to you?
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Tell him you are going to divorce him if this continues! You get him a new number and delete hers from his phone but copy the number just in case. Depending on ur provider you can read all texts. Monitor him. It sounds like he is cheating. dont put up with it.
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