A
female
age
30-35,
*oonetoturnto
writes:I'm 19 and I've been with my boyfriend who's 17 for slightly over 3 months. I kissed and made out with him while I was still with my ex about 5 months ago. When we first made out, I was tipsy and told him that I wasn't a virgin (I did it a few times with the same ex, and got intimate with another guy but no sex). During the first 2 months while he was trying to get me to be his girlfriend he was really sweet and nice to me. He'd never get angry with me and would be really caring.When we finally got together, he changed. He told me that he was really unhappy with the fact that I wasn't a virgin but he was. He started badgering me for details on what happened with my ex. If i can provide him with the details, he'll be upset that I could still remember. He'll keep asking questions and when I falter or take time to think or slip up, he gets into a terrible temper and starts calling me a f***ing bitch, a slut, and says things like he's had enough of me and i only make him unhappy. Even in public, he'd raise his voice and call me names. At the start, he used to apologise every time he called me names but nowadays, he thinks nothing of it. Recently he told me that he thinks he has the right to do that (although he said it while he was drunk). He also kicked me once. I've been trying to stomach all the hurt because I know that it must hurt for your girlfriend to be a non-virgin. He says he wants to marry me so he knows that he'll have to live with it for the rest of his life and thats why it hurts so much. He also says the reason why it hurts so much is cos he's liked me for two years and tried to ask me out twice but i rejected him because i felt that he wasnt serious and was too young. and because i lost my virginity and got intimate with another guy during that 2 years he feels horrible. I've told him that i never loved my ex, and that i only did it because i was pressured. but still he doesnt give it a rest. Everytime we meet he'd be full of questions on tiny details of what i did with my ex. Like, he'd ask me how i kissed my ex or whether i went shopping with my ex. When i tell him i can't remember, he'd ask me to deduce the answer based on my attitude towards my ex. it's horrible dealing with all his questions. He'd call me and force me to answer all his questions even if i've got an exam the next day and it seems like we've got nothing else to talk but that.Not only that, he's also really jealous. I'm not allowed to look into another guy's eyes and smile, not allowed to smile while talking to another guy on the phone etc. and if i so much as talk to another guy, he'd think i'm flirting with that guy. I'm also not allowed to make jokes with other guys. I dont know if his attitude to me is cos i made out with him while i was with my ex. but i've told him that if i didnt seriously love him i wouldnt have taken all the shit that he has been throwing at me. He also controls my dressing and tells me not to wear tops that are too low or too transparent, too short skirts etc. When I argue back then he'll say fine if i want to show off to the world my tits/dress like a slut then it's up to me. Sometimes I argue back and we have huge fights and he'll tell me that it's over between us. Then I cry and beg him not to because I can't do without him. Then after I've begged enough, he'll tell me he didnt mean it when he said we'd break up and that he'll never leave me. I know it seems like he's awful but somehow i just feel like i can't do without him. I understand that his anger is cos of his hurt and he's hurt cos i wasn't a virgin but he was. Recently, he's been drinking every night to get over the hurt (he says) and has been cutting himself with a knife (no chopped up bits, just lines). When I don't pick up the phone at 2am because i'm sleeping, he sends me texts to tell me he'll cut one line for each call i miss. and he does. When we fight really badly, he'll threaten to commit suicide and i really dont know what to do.We just had a fight earlier which involved me walking away from him because he started verbally abusing me in public (though he wasnt raising his voice) and he told me again that it's over between us. He says that if i want him back i'll have to go on my knees to beg for him back. I just spoke to him on the phone, and he asked if I was going to beg for him back. I told him i didnt know and he said that for every silence i give to the question or every "i dont know" that i give to the question (whether i was going to beg), he'd cut himself. i still said it. and finally he said that if i didnt give him an answer he'd stab himself. so i said yes. and he said "then beg me now". but i really don't feel like begging him anymore. i've completely lost my dignity and self worth. i just can't bring myself to beg him. Sometimes I tell myself that i'm better than this. i can get a guy who'd treat me so much better but then I'm reminded that it's only a guy who loves you who would be hurt by your past and his hurt can be seen from how he has to drink so much every night, and how he says he can't focus on anything else cos he's just too hurt by thinking about my past. he's been really sweet at times, running around just to get me stuff that i really wanted etc. and i just dont know what to do anymore. on one hand i feel like i can't do without him. he's the one guy that i've truly ever loved. but on the other hand i feel like i've got no more pride. i've really got no one to turn to and am desperately lost and confused. please help me.
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drunk, flirt, jealous, lost my virginity, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): This guy is nothing more than a selfish bully. How do you know he was a virgin because he told you so?
Get rid of him as quickly as possible. He is very immature and will cause you nothing but heartache. It's just not worth it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): Dump this guy, he is bad news. This isn't just because of your past, he is controlling period. You haven't slept with many guys at all! so don't ever be made too feel guilty for who you slept with. Get some pride and leave.
This guy needs help, if he like this at 17, just imagine what he'll be like in the future
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): You are 19 and being ordered around like this by a guy who is two years younger? Girl, grow a pair (not literally) dump this jerk for the jerk he is, and move on to someone who will appreciate you for who you are and not dwell in your past. You deserve better!!
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A
female
reader, DeepBlueSkies  +, writes (7 November 2008):
You do not deserve this manipulative, loathing treatment from your boyfriend regardless of whether you are a virgin or not. Do not marry this man! I know how hard it is to feel like you cannot do without him but the pain of being in a relationship with him will be much worse.
It seems like he cannot move on from the fact that you were not a virgin when you both got together and I fear that this domineering attitude to you and how you dress/live your life will only get worse if you stay with him. He seems like he is on a destructive path and he will take you down.
Stay strong for yourself. Just because someone is sweet to you SOMETIMES does not mean they will be good for you, as his behaviour shows. He is causing you much pain and you don't deserve it.
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