A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a long time and I believe we love each other. My wife claims she only had one sexual relationship before me but it was multiple times. I had to learn this from friends before I confronted her and she admitted it to be true. I have several reasons to believe there was more than that and maybe even after we were married. She claims not and ,I guess expects me just to forget and let it go.The problem is that I think or dream about this question over and over again. I feel something inside me knows that this is not true but I can prove nothing, I just have this terrible feeling. I really don't know if I want the truth because then our relationship has been built on decite and lies. Why do I constantly feel like there is more to the story? I don't think I can last much longer. I don't know what to do. I only know that it hurts and will not go away.What can you suggest. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Again, maybe in your world...it's not good to generalise what "most" men of all different ages and different cultures may think.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 July 2010):
"Please speak for yourself.. before I came on this website I never met a single man who was interested in his partners sexual past... "
What you really mean is - I never met a single man WHO ADMITTED TO ME that he is interested in his partners sexual past.
You even say before you came on this website. Is it not likely that perhaps the anonymity of a blog just may be a conduit for getting to real truth?
I am concerned about a womans past. Most men who are close enough to me to tell me such a thing are also. Its just the way it is, whether convenient for some or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): I firmly disagree. Vagueness and glossing over people's past only works in short-term, casual realtionships. Meaningful relationships are based on candid truth about who the two people are COMPLETELY. I've been in several long term relationships, and you get to talk about your inner most desires, childhood experiences, dreams and past. Past lovers are a huge part of people's makeup...you can't omit that and leave in everything else. True, it's not polite to pry for details, or ask over and over again, but it is very important to reach a deep mutual understanding of that, and knowing about ones sexual past is an integral part of that. Maybe not details, explicit knowledge, or even actual numbers. But I'm totally OK with a woman saying stuff like "I love it doggy style" or "my one boyfriend liked to do such-and-such to me". It makes loving better, and if you hide it, it's pretty obvious to us guys...and hiding stuff reeks of deceit. I'd personally run from a woman who hides her past. And trust me...it comes up. At some point you want to try to expereince new things, and you can tell when it is not a first time. Much easier to deal with if you just know instead of suspect.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 July 2010):
"Nothing could be further from the truth for many if not most men" (Serpico)
Please speak for yourself.. before I came on this website I never met a single man who was interested in his partners sexual past... I guess it's the country I'm from, but it's seen as bad manners to demand the right to know about a woman's past. We threw that type of thinking out when we decided to give up looking for virgins to marry.
Most men (apart from those on dear cupid) aren't that interested, and are sensible enough to know that it's rude to poke about in people's business.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 July 2010):
Wow - how many threads have I now read "my wife of X years just told me that she lied to me about the #....."
People (ie mainly women) will say its none of your business, the past is the past, etc. Nothing could be further from the truth for many if not most men. It is something we care about, and apparently after any amount of time has passed. The point is - if something like this is going to bother - YOU NEED TO KNOW WELL BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED.
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A
female
reader, loraemoon +, writes (6 July 2010):
 im in the same situation were my boyfriend of 18 mths lied about who he had actually had sex with but not the amount of people even though i feel discusted about that too,,he lied to me time after time about two girls inparticular untilli found out for myself thats when he admitted it,it pains me every day the amount of girls and the thoughts of images that go through my head every single day are unbearable, i know its stupid to think n feel that way especially as it was before you but i know that dont change things it doesent make it easier,the only thing i can say is what im also trying, is every time it pops into your head try n try to block it go do something, easy to say i know i also live with this every day and its hardbut theres got to be a way good luck to u
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (6 July 2010):
 None of us can give you the advice you truly deserve without particulars as to what are your reasons for believing that she is unfaithful at his juncture.
You are too vague.
Any of us can tell you that you are imagining this all from what you write. So until you give us some examples of what your suspicions are I am afraid none of us can give you any real advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): I feel your pain my friend, i had the same problem, my wife told me just one sexual partner and years later i made the worst decision of my life. i told her if there was something i didnt know about please tell me and that i wouldnt be upset about it. and boy did she let it out,4 other men she had sex with that i never knew about and till today i wish i never asked because the hurt never goes away. but i still love her its just the respect of her never telling me the truth is what really hurts and now i have these images of her having sex with these guys kills me inside. So please what ever you do dont ask do your self a favor you dont want too know because you will feel the pain and regret that you did and if you have kids like me you will be stuck with that pain forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): if you believe that she loves you and only you NOW...you have to let this go. Otherwise you will destroy yourself, her, and your marriage. to press this matter will do nothing to help you. please if you think she is faithful now, leave the past in the past.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 July 2010):
 This is called retroactive jealousy. It is completely normal. Your brain, evolved from that of cavemen, is trying to protect you from the possibility of getting cuckolded. This instinct is extremely powerful; men have and still do kill over it.
That instinct will always be there, whether it's based in reality or not. This instinct is the reason a virgin bride is so coveted, even in today's world of birth control and general promiscuity. The instinct is generally much stronger in guys who have only had one partner, which is what it sounds like in your post.
You wife sounds like she loves you, and I doubt she's cheated on you since you've met up. But really, is your relationship entirely built on the claim that she only had one lover before you? Is *that* really the basis of everything? If she's cheated, that's one thing, but prior lovers are a fact of life, and do not diminish her devotion to you.
Live in the present. Your feelings are valid, and as long as you don't come across as accusing her of sluttiness, your wife will understand that. But if she loves you and is loyal, you have to learn to deal with the emotions rationally, and love her back the way she deserves.
Besides, leaving her now, *every* single woman you meet will have had multiple past partners. Find the good in your relationship and focus on that.
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