A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have some serious trust issues.There is this guy i met online with whom i get on really well and been extremely good friends for a while now.So recently we started a long distance relationship as we will meet in July and then i will move to where he lives at the end of September. The thing is i really like him, but i keep having some serious trust issues. I've been hurt quite a few times in the past so i find it hard to open up and let him in. He knows it, we talked about it. But it still bothers me a lot.It's like..there is no reason why i shouldn't trust him. But i feel like this trust thing is getting to me and to the relationship. It's like i'm trying to keep a distance and trying to pull him away. Like i try to tell myself i should stop it because i can't trust him. Like i don't want to give him a chance to prove me he's not like other people who betrayed my trust.I really do want to trust him..how can i work on this?thanks guys
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you:)
i shall keep that in mind...will take my time
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 listening to that small inner voice is very important. never abandon your intuition. It will keep you safe.
Our senses pick up so much more than just the words we hear or what we see. Tiny unspoken nuances are processed. Body language and an inflection are all noted. Our intuition is something to cherish, not ignore.
If you have any sense of intuition that tells you to take it slowly before you give all your trust then always heed it. Mmany people would live better lives if they listened to their intuition.
Your intuition to proceed with caution is sound advice. Not something to be dismissed.
Good luck with your studies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guysJust to make it clear i don't want to move to his place because of him. I'm moving there because i'm starting university there this fall. That was decided long before i met him. So it has nothing to do with what's going on between us.Well he would like to stay at my place when he visits. But i live with my parents and he is aware of that. It might be going a little too fast, at least for me...and i guess that's why i feel like i don't trust him enough for this stage of the relationship. I do think i need more time than most people do when it comes to trusting someone and getting comfortable about things. But i also feel like that i'm keeping my distance and pushing him away at times being pretty sceptical about everything...and it really bothers me...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 May 2011):
Are you moving just a little too quickly with this LDR? It takes time to build trust, and a developing relationship should never be rushed.
My view is that the girl is most vulnerable in a LDR. For that reason it is a good idea for the guy to visit your city for a week. But not stay at your home. But instead takes you on some dates. Meets some of your family and friends. Seeing him interact with your family and friends is very important.
As much as you think you know about a person, nothing can replace seeing him out of his comfort zone. Seeing how he behaves.
Then you visit him for a week. Using the same arrangement, where you stay in other accomodation. If you still had trust issues you could take a family member along with you. Then he can show you his city and where he works or studies and where he lives.
Do make sure that he introduces you to his family and his friends, to show his good faith. Because occasionally in a LDR one of the parties (the man or the woman) already has an existing primary relationship or an estranged partner where a divorce has not yet taken place. I am not suggesting that is the case, but all LDR require some caution. You are right to exercise that caution before you rush into something without some thought. And without good pre-planning and an in-place Plan B.
If he really is 'the one' then he can wait, while the relationship develops.
Give yourself some more time in your home city before you make the big decision to move to be with him and move to perhaps live with him in his city.
Best wishes with these very BIG decisions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): I went through the same thing- just don't push yourself to do anything. Let him gradually earn your trust through his actions during your relationship. It may feel like that will never happen now, but trust me it does. I went from trusting no one ever to trusting my fiance with my life over the course of 5 years. It isn't easy and it takes time. Just try to talk to him gently about it, say you just have an issue and you love him enough to want to work it out.Baby steps. If you push yourself too hard your mind will just shut the whole thing out and you might grow resentful, which would just hurt the relationship.
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