A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really stuck on how to handle this with out it becoming a real mess so some advice is needed please. I would be so grateful. I am currently married for 4 yrs this year but we have been together for 16 yrs. I was 15 he 18 and I am not 31. Recently I have realised that i do not think we should be together any more. I have no sexual appetite when it comes to him. I always thought that it was me but as I have been soul searching on line I have found that I am not seually attracted to him any more. We get on well but as friends more than anything. I had a conversation with him about splitting up and he agreed with me, that we were more like friends. After our talk he went out with a friend and got quite drunk. I thought lots about how different it would be to not be together but still thought it was the right thing. The next day we spoke and he said how much of a shock it was, he had thought about it but thought he was being silly. We had spoekn about living together as friends as we own our house, have lots of debts and could not afford to live any where else or move back with our parents. He said at the time he didnt think he could do that. We talked more and he said was it just the sex?, I said that I thought he deserved more than what I can give ( how can I tell the man I am not attracted to him anymore without breaking his soul?) He said that it was something he had become used to and didnt find it a problem, said he was scared to be on his own after so long and didnt want to split up. The following week we talked again as nothing much had changed and decided to work hard on the relationship and give him more thinking time as I had thought about it a lot before saying anything. This was 4 weeks ago and everything seems like normal again. I really do think we should split up but what do I say? How do we handle the house and the money and everything without it getting nasty. How do I handle everything being so different? I really dont want to hurt him but I really do think we are young enough and we dont have any children. We both deserve a relationship that gives everything including the sex too. But I dont want to seem as if we are breaking up to find something better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: its not that I think the grass is greener at all. Its just that I know I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. I have tried so hard to be but I just am not. I cant bring myself to have sex at all. He has given up trying which must be terrible for him. We talked about it and he said that he had just accepted that was the way it was going to be.
This cannot be right for a marriage, we should be able to have everything and be happy. Surley life is too short to have that missing part of the relationship yes? Its just I am so scared of how to handle it. The unknown, parents, money etc... sometimes it feels easier to plod along but I know thats not right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): i think its important to communicate with him, and this is clearly what you have done. Be straight with him first. Tell him that you think you're just friends the way it is now, and try and spice the relationship up, doing things out of the ordinary. A relationship is a two way street. if you still think its not working, find an agreement that you can live together but just as friends so you can both financially support each other, though it sounds best if you sort your debt first; before considering a breakup.keep me updated though, Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (12 July 2011):
 " But I dont want to seem as if we are breaking up to find something better."
but that is what you are hoping to do isn't it? if you leave him he is going to be hurt no matter what so you may just as well be honest with him. you don't know how to tell him you want out because you are not sure what to say to him but you know the truth will hurt.
i do sympathise, i know how it feels to lose that chemistry and i believe, (just from my own experience) that once its gone it doesn't grow back. BUT if your marriage is great and he is a really good man, then trust me, the grass is not always greener. are you sure you have done all you can to put things right before you call it a day? you were very young when you got together, so maybe the curiosity of wondering what sex is like with other men is getting the better of you.
i really think you should just have a very honest talk with him, things don't have to turn nasty if you split up but remain in the house, i suppose you would just have to set some ground rules though - like, you both shouldn't bring dates to the house
x
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