A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone offer any advice on my situation, my heart is breaking.I have been with my husband since we were 16, we are now in our fortys. Things havent been easy for us, there have been troubles along the way but we managed to ride the storms and i thought we would always be together. Sadly coming up to a year ago my husband lost his mum suddenly, it was a terrible shock. He has found it very hard to cope with life since and has had very black days. I know how he feels as i lost my father 3 years ago. In his grief he has wanted to just be at home with me and his children and not wanting to see anyone. This changed a couple of months ago. He started to go out but not say where he was going, make up he would be going somewhere else such as looking at a job for instance. When i would call him and ask where he was he would say i dont need to know.(He would be in a pub somewhere) His phone would then go off and stay off. When he didnt come home at all 3 times in a row (separate times) i packed his belongings and took them to his fathers house as i couldnt cope with the heartache. I thought this would give him the wake up call he needed, but no.In the time he has spent away from our family he has stayed in touch by phone but hardly visits our house. He has made arrangements to come round for a meal only to not turn up. We have made arrangements to go out with each other, like tonight for instance, but again not turn up and not even call. At different times I have spoken to him and hes told me to keep the faith and not give up on him as he feels numb inside but he knows he loves me. Another time he will say its all over between us and he will never come back, but will never stop loving me.I just dont know what to do. I really do feel that my heart is breaking in two. I talk to myself and tell myself to be strong, that it will all work out in the end and then by the end of the day i am in buckets of tears like i have been tonight and can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I know he is hurting and i dont want to sound selfish but this also is killing me.Thank-you for any advice you can give. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 You can either ignore all those abusive words , like nothing happened.Rationalized it because he is mentally sick or you could walkaway from it all.
It is a very hard choice and I hope you can give your very best before you call it quit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear readers. I am writing an update on my situation and i dont know if i feel worse this time or the last time i wrote i feel that bad.
Since a few days have passed, the morning of the night my husband let me down, he called me asking if we could spend some time together. Although i had mixed emotions as i had just been let down, i agreed. My husband looked ill, and we went back to our house where he slept most of the day, and i let him be. Curiosity got the better of me and i looked through his phone with him knowing. There was a text from the day before( the day i wrote) saying they be ready to see him in 15mins. I asked who it was and he said he didnt know, i went on to our account and found that he tex and rang the person 4 times on this day. I rang it and a voice mail replied with a woman saying who she was and she was not avaliable.
My husband said it was just someone who he met while he was out 2 weeks ago and they had just been talking. I felt really hurt by this but didnt want him to leave because of it.
We spent 3 whole days and nights together. Talking and trying to sort things out. I gave my husband lots of love and reasurance that we would get through this and that i would be there for him. I arranged a night out as a family on the 3rd evening and we all went out together and had a good time.
Today i dropped him to work(his van broken down) and i called him later to see if i could collect him too as i was finishing round the same time as he was.He said he wanted his dad to collect him and that he would talk to me later this evening. I asked if he was staying at our house and he said he was. Later on during the night he called from his dads to say he wouldnt be coming up. I couldnt let it go. I just thought it odd and went to his dads. He went beserk with me, saying that i was trying to catch him out with somebody. I explained i wasnt that i just wanted him to come home to his family.(by the way he was drinking which he knows i wouldnt be happy about because of the medication hes on.
When i left the house, he then called me as i was driving home and said the most hurtful things he has ever said to me in his life. Too much to mention and even some to hurtful to even write. He did say that i was a freak and manipulative for trying to control his life.He said he hated me and that he didnt want anything to do with me or his 2 daughters. And that when he was led next to me he felt nothing at all and that i forced him to stay.
I have never known such hatred from him. I just dont know where to go from here. I didnt think my actions would cause him to get like this or i wouldnt of went to see him.
I cant walk away from him but know that i probably am not faced with a choice, what am i going to do. He is my life
Please help me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you so much to all, who took the time and trouble to respond to my question. This is the first time i have ever been on this site and i have found strength from the responses i have been given. i thank the reader who is praying for us.I found this very comforting.
The reader who suggests that my husband is using the depression as an excuse to justify his awlful behaviour is exactly right, this is how i have been seeing it and reading another person suggesting the same thing has put things into more perspective for me.
I have been thinking am i just thinking of myself and being selfish, so i really appreciated the reader who started off that i wasnt being selfish.And yes if the years we have been together mean anything to him, he needs to find the strength to get more help. This is a tricky one because i went to the doctors with him a few weeks ago when i could first see things going downhill. Our usual Dr who i thought was really nice, almost told me in so many words to be quiet and that he wanted to see my husband on his own. I said i dont think you realise how ill my husband is, the dr replied that if he had managed to get to the appointment and go to work then he wasnt that ill.
My husband went a few days later for an appointment on his own and the dr asked him if he realised that i was trying to get him sectioned. I found this absolutely unbelievable and extremely upsetting.
The comments from the male reader made me realise that yes, this may go on and on and he may never come to terms with things, and i know i cannot going on feeling like im in some sort of punishment for much longer.
And lastly thankyou to the first reader who replied, who stated that the selfish behaviour is destroying our family is exactly right, and although i love him, i have to put my children and myself first.
thanks again to each and every one of you
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (27 March 2010):
My prayers and thoughts for you. I pray that God will give you the strength and the grace to face your difficulties and that you will not give up hope and have faith in God.
Take one day at a time and take one problem at a time. Hang on in there and wait for winter to pass.
You may call the 'Samaritans' for some emotional support and help. The link is posted below.
http://www.samaritans.org/
http://www.iambackfromthebrink.com/uk.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): I agree with the other posts. It must be terribly hard watching your husband come and go, and for him to suffer from depression. However, you and your kids have to come first. You are the one holding it together. Our parents all have to pass at some stage, and we need to grieve, but also need to pull it together. He is being irresponsible now and using his depression to justify his awful behaviour. I would definitely set some clear, firm boundaries, and be very strong and consistent. Do things that you enjoy whenever you can so you can stay strong for your kids. Tell him his behaviour is not ok, that he needs professional help. Give him a timeframe. I know how hard this is, but if he doesn't make the effort then it might be time to release him. You're young and can find someone who will stick with you through thick and thin.
Good luck,
xo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): You are not being selfish. Your man needs to take responsibility for his personal state of mind. You are doing what you can to support him but you are also keeping yourselves in this holding position - grief has many stages and he needs help and support from a professional in dealing with it. Ask him, from the heart, that for you and the sake of the many years you have spent together and for his own sake, that he gets help. His response is understandable but you need him too.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (27 March 2010):
Poor you I empathise with what id happening to you. I agree with the first reply in principle.
A time will come when you must move on, you cannot continue to live like this as it is so clear to me how this is hurting you and destroying the relationship.
I have gone through a similar thing myself and my conclusion with the benefit of hindsight is you must look to yourself and decide what is best for you?
Your husband may never be able to deal with these issues or this may well be what he wants in the end?
You are very young and can have a whole new life with another partner!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Everyone deals with grief in thier own way, and it sounds like your husband is stuck. You should try to convince him to seek professional help to deal with the loss of his mother, since it is destroying your family.
If your husband refuses, then you may want to consider stricter boundries. Even though he has suffered a loss, his behavior is selfish. It is unfair to your children for him to say he is coming over and not show up.
Your children need stability in this time, so you need to establish firm boundries. It is unhealthy for them to see you go back and forth. Agree to see your husband in family counseling, and let him know how his behavior is affecting his children
In the end, it takes two people to make a marriage work. I understand you love him, but you have to consider your own well being as well as the kids. It might be easier for you if you let go for good once, instead of doing the back and forth thing. You will never be able to heal that way. Good luck and hold on, whatever happens, you can make it through
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