A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm a teenage male and I strongly dislike my mother's boyfriend. I just really, really, dislike him. For starters, he's always around and I mean always. He's currently without a job and my mother is always helping him fill out one job application or another. Truth is, I think that he could really care less about getting these jobs, I think that he's just giving her something to do or either he's using it as an excuse to always be around and/or keep tabs on her. Secondly, I feel that he's just using my mom. He'll sometimes ask her to buy him things or to either fix him food that he likes when she has prepared some of it for me. My mom is so focused on the fact that he's jobless and that she has a heart. I feel that he really has her wrapped around his finger and he's definitely using that to his advantage. Another point I would like to mention are his late night stays. I understand that it's really none of my business but I can't take it. Whenever he comes over he closes the door, which I understand. The only issue I have is that he actually locks the door. Suppose there's an emergency? While I'm at it, I've seen him walk to the bathroom nude at times, and on one occasion he has looked in my face and spoken to me. I felt very disrespected by this. By the way, it's not like I was up waiting listening or waiting for him to come out, I just happened to be up. Now, I'll give mom credit, she has talked to him about this but I honestly feel that he cares less. Another issue that I'll state is that my mom basically does stuff for him at the drop of dime, but when it comes down to family, there's always a sigh or either she'll drop what she's doing for us to do whatever it is he wants for him. On some occasions, my mom and I would be talking when he would call and she would actually leave me high and dry to talk to and/or do something for him. I feel that he is being put before me when she does that. He has kids of his own and if it came down to it, he would hang up in her face to tend to them, so why can't it be the same for her own child and for her family? Okay, so my last and final issue is that I believe that he has been unfaithful to her. He has a three year old child and he claims that he doesn't love her, but she still thought that they were still together. He used to be over there all night sometimes and it's supposedly for the child, but I beg to differ. My mom and him have gotten into arguments over this plenty of times before. I feel that my mom started to see what was going on, but he uses his charm to get back on her good side. I would like to state that he actually found out about an incident that his baby's mother was at a hotel with her estranged husband and it was clear that he was hurt by this situation. What does that tell you? This problem is supposedly fixed after my mom expressed how she felt about the situatuion, but I feel that he still has some type of feeling for her. He has gotten better, but I feel that if he wanted to be romantically involved with my mom, then why did it take him so long to stop the overnight stays there? In summation, I would like to restate that I strongly dislike my mother's boyfriend. I have given you my reasons for not liking him. I've tried talking to my mom about how I feel, but it's just brushed off and it gets blamed on me being bossy and controlling or either me trying to run her life. Please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. This has caused my mom and I to argue, it has put not-needed stress in my life, and some nights I can't sleep. So what I'm asking is, what do I do about this? What would you all do if you all were in my shoes? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that my age is wrong. I'm actually 13.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (28 July 2010):
 I'd sit her down and make her read this page. The question AND the answers. It will bring it home to her that she is hurting you and that she needs to do something about it. She is in denial about her partner being unfaithful, so she is also probably in denial about how you feel. But this is not on. Unless your Mum AND her boyfriend do something about their behaviour, then she needs to know she is driving you away and eventually will have to choose between him and you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Talk to them first and forgive both of them and you will feel relax and the rest God will take care, because everyone who does wrong will not go unpunished but unneccesorily you are feeling pain and suffering for it just talk about it with them and leave them for their desires, for they will gain their earnings from it but you be happy for you have warned them, for their sin they will get punishment and one more thing if you have concern towards your mom, then help her by convincing her that this is not good deed and you will face for it one day, may be you read Bible for all these wisdom if you like it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): If your mom won't listen then talk to him, you're an adult now and it's your mom, if there's something bothering you or you are worried about something and she won't give you a satisfactory hearing talk to him about it.
Perhaps because of your dislike for him you might be reluctant to discuss this kind of thing with him. But he's part of your life at the moment and you have to live with that so it might be a good idea for you to get to know him better, man to man.
I must stress though, while all these things might seem like he's a loser, these things I would consider benign. No job? some of the nicest people I've met were lazy or just didn't like working, they contribute in other ways. Walking around naked? It's not the end of the world, I'm a naked walker, that's the way I was born, I'll let other people worry about what's decent or not, it doesn't bother me if people can't handle seeing a naked person.
Unfaithful? I'm sorry but I think you know very little about his personal life to be able to say what's happening there, you're mom has gotten over it and she knows more than you.
I think the underlying problem here is the fact that another man has started to take more of your moms attention. I was raised by a single mom I know how it works. It's very hard to watch your mom's attention suddenly shift to another guy and I admit I hated some of her boyfriends at the start. Your intense dislike of this man has led you to find as many little signs an reasons to hate him, you're adding all of them together to paint the picture of a bad man.
You're mom is a grown woman with needs and desires, she's found a guy she really likes and all relationships have problems and complications and she's seemed to worked things out with him. You have to accept that your mom wants to be with this guy, she's building a relationship and possibly a future with him, of course she's going to do things for him and I think you don't see the good things he may be doing for her because your consumed by your hatred of him. She's grown woman who knows what she's doing, if he just took and never gave anything back, do you really think your mom would be that stupid?
'being bossy and controlling or either me trying to run her life' Again she's a grown woman, it's her life. You are now a man, you're raised, the bulk of her work on you is done. Now she gets to start focusing on herself and what she wants for herself after 18+ years of making sure never wanted for anything.
Let me ask you this, if your mom hated a girl you were dating, but you really liked this girl and this girl was a really nice person but your mom couldn't and wouldn't see that, would you stop dating her? What would you say to your mom anytime she brought up her dislike for this girl? You'd probably say she's 'being bossy and controlling or either me trying to run her life'
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