A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this may sound really bad etcBut I really dislike porn. I don't know why etc but I just do. Thing is, i've asked my boyfriend not to watch it, because it upsets me and I get jealous. In case he finds the girls in it more attractive than me, if he thinks about them whilst he is masturbating, if he thinks of them when he's having sex with me or if he thinks i'm crap in bed compared to them as i'm not as kinky and adventurous.I know it sounds pathetic and I shouldn't think like this, but the thought of him watching it makes me physically sick. I'm an insecure person as it is from past experiences.So I was wondering if anyone feels the same about this? Or if anyone can give me some advice to help me get over it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 What the heck did you just say ria?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): I was searching the internet tonight to find answers myself. I understand every word you said. I don't want to be one of those wives that gets mad over porn...but I did. I didn't say much to him. It took a year for me to tell him that I knew about it and even then I just told him that I felt like I wasn't good enough if he had to watch that. I haven't found any evidence of him watching it again but I'm not stupid enough to think he wouldn't hide it. I HATE feeling this way. I've tried talking to other males that I trust and they continue to reassure me that it's nothing and everyone does it and all of that. Their words just don't help though. I wish I had the answer because I desperately need it. Everybody keeps telling us, "you need to get over it", "it's your problem that you are so insecure and you need to fix it"...but HOW??? HOWWWWWW????? I've tried to believe that it's nothing and has nothing to do with me, but I cannot stop the mental image of him getting off while watching/fantasizing about another woman. He obviously wished he could have her at that moment, even if he does realize it is fake...he still wanted that over me (I was available - and I never turn down sex) and for some reason he felt he had to get stimulation from that other woman and not me. It hurts. It hurts BAD! I too feel sick to my stomach whenever I am reminded of it. I don't have a problem with porn itself. I'm not religious and don't feel it is 'immoral'. I have watched it and it does turn me on...but when I watch it my fantasy is that I am that woman who looks perfect and I am turned on imagining that I am as sexy as that porn star and my husband is satisfied because of me. I never like looking at the men... I seriously/honestly only fantasize about my husband. So I don't understand how masturbating while fantasizing about having sex with another woman is not a mild form of cheating. I know it isn't the same as cheating...I'm not going to make a big issue about it with my husband...but my insides make a big issue about it ALL the time. I'm trying so hard to fight my feelings but I just feel VERY hurt, rejected, inadequate, unsexy, not good enough, and just downright crappy. Somebody please tell us HOW to go about being okay with this??? I don't think there is a way. A lot of wives think it's okay to have threesomes with their husband and someone else... but I DON'T so just because other wives think porn is great, doesn't mean we have to, right?
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 Yes, certainly pornography is evil in human culture, because it misguide human mind in sexual matter. The same way, system of prostitution is also evil. Both these system deal with human sexuality but their goal is not to appreciate human sexuality but achieve total degradation. This one is the right reason for condemnation.
Humanity is lacking certain system, that teach highest wisdom in this matter. In ancient time, before religion came in to being, there exists such system. In western culture it is known as 'free masonry'. I suggest to search for this system,and take the note of its ideology.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): You arent being pathetic. Loads of women hate porn and think its for perverts. My boyfriend doesnt watch it, he says because it doesnt do anything for him, he`d rather make love with me. If he was watching it, i wouldnt like it. I watched one porn film and it was manky! Srangers having sex like animals didnt do anything for me. It degrades women and love making. Youre just one of many that dont like it and thats fine. Theres nothing wrong with you, just the society we live in. Some would try and make us feel theres something wrong if we arent all porn addicts, trying to get cranked up for sex by watching pervy men and tarts performing mucky sex acts on each other.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 December 2009):
 The problem you have in security, not porn itself. Proof? How would you feel if he watched an other woman on the street? Still feel insecure?
You need to get over this insecurity or it will continue to control your life. Society tell us that women have to be a size 6 and virginal and experienced and it is easy to see how it can make you insecure, but you can't change society, and you can't remove all sexy images of women out there.
So you got to build up your own security, no matter how hard that might be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Why would you think it is bad NOT to like porn?
You have a right not to like it and not to watch it. Why do you think of him watching and wanking off to it? As long as you are not part of the activity why bother?
Treat it as too much information if he does want to talk about it.
Your letter does not say much... but its absolutely normal not to like porn too - I used to mind even booby women on condom covers saying its like bringing another woman into my bedroom! :) But having said that, it is still my issue.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I think the sooner men realise that porn girls, like prostitutes, hate sex because they do it for a living.
It is all acting and has nothing to do with reality or normalcy.I am sure he wouldn't stand them for a minute if he was to meet one of them in real.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): My advice is to talk to him about it. The fact is there are a lot of things that probably make him want to watch porn. For example, he might actually be concerned about his own sexual performance, and feel like he's disappointing you, which makes him want to avoid sex. If this is the case, try praising him or being more "involved" when you have sex (move around, make noise, etc). He might also not know what you want, so (as always) communicate. If a quickie is what he's after, let him know you are open to skipping foreplay and getting right to it if he needs to knock one out.
Finally, there's one more reason men look at porn, even if they have girlfriends. Men hate having sex with a girl who likes to hold it over their heads later or threaten to take it away. If you are the kind of girl that is always offering sex as a reward, for example "if you buy this dress for me I'll make it worth it", I advise you to stop. If he sees that sex with you is purely mutual and that you aren't trying to use it to obligate him to do something for you in return, he may be more likely to have sex with you and forego the porn.
Like it or not, your boyfriend will probably always have an addiction to porn. See if you can find some porn that both of you can watch, and then suggest watching it together before or during sex. A Google search for "how to get my girlfriend to watch porn" turns up some interesting results.
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A
female
reader, doctorlove +, writes (6 December 2009):
Well.. you say you told your bf not to watch it... but have you told him how it makes you feel? You should tell him to at least not watch around you and that he should respect your decision but but if not maybe you should kick him to the curb.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I feel exactly the same way. Is porn the main thing your jealous of? Did your boyfriend agree to not watch it?
I thinks it's understandable for you to feel jealous and worried about your boyfriend finding other women attractive, it's unrealistic to think he will never notice pretty girls but it's still hurtful that he would watch porn on purpose to get off when he's got you, if he loved you he would stop if you explain how much it hurts.
I'm a very jealous person with my boyfriend and it's really taking it's toll on our relationship so try your hardest not to fight but just explain your feelings to him.
Remember that he is with you and not them. He loves you and your always there, porn isn't real it's just fake and lots of men watch it and don't even think about it later.
If you are extremely jealous and finding it difficult to cope with you could consider hypnotherepy, although i think your feleings towards porn are perfectly normal. Or perhaps councelling to help with your self esteem.
One last thing, if your insecure about your boyfriend finding other women attractive, and him thinking about them while he's with you, is he treating you right? Does he make you feel special and do you mean enough to him for him to stop watching porn? if not then you should lose him your worth more than that.
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