A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Thank you for reading. I’ve been with my boyfriend for several months and I just feel like I can’t trust him. I don’t believe him when he tells me he loves me. This isn’t helped by the fact he says things without thinking, things that really upset and then I obsess over them and can’t forget them. Recently we were discussing cheating or something like that and he told me about an article he read in nuts magazine when he was at work (he works away). He said it so casually, like it meant nothing. But I was absolutely fuming. We got into a big argument, well more me shouting and crying and then I said well lets hope I find someone at uni who really cares about me. The thing is I can’t forget some of the things he has said to me and its really starting to get to me and I’m just questioning if we should be together
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 He probably personally doesn't see why it is an issue looking at those kinds of magazines. He is only young and usually most young men do read these kinds of magazines. He probably mentions it without even thinking about what effect it has on you because he probably doesn't understand your insecurities. Instead of getting upset and fighting with him and allowing things to build up sit down with him calmly and tell him honestly how you feel and how it makes you feel when he says he has been reading these kind of magazines. Explain to him that it makes you feel insecure and that you would rather he never mentioned to you that he reads them. Don't tell him he is not allowed to read them just say you would rather not know about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. Firstly, I would like to thank you all for your helpful answers.I know I’m insecure, I hate what I look like but his comments just don’t help, they make me even worse. I just don’t understand why he has to say those things. It just feels like he’s deliberately doing it to upset me. We were having a perfectly fine conversation (I didn’t disagree with his opinions, in fact we both agreed) and then he had to mention he was reading an article in nuts magazine, why couldn’t he have just said oh yeah I read somewhere… I mean I’m not stupid of course I know he probably looks at stuff like that while he’s away, but what I don’t understand is his need to always tell me. Generally I ignore it and I just won’t say anything at all then it will just build up, which is probably just as bad as arguing.I probably just need to work on myself.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (5 July 2011):
I see this as two separate issues
one is the nature of the disagreement. How "serious" is this issue, are you over reacting out of insecurity or do you have a legitimate reason to be highly upset? Of course from your perspective you have a legitimate reason, but your perspective may be clouded by your own insecurity too.
The second problem is that let's say you have a disagreement (such as this) and your feelings are hurt. How do you handle it? Shouting and crying at him is NOT a useful way to handle disagreements, in fact it will probably make your relationship problems get even worse.
Getting emotional rarely does any good when it comes to trying to work on problems because it puts up barriers between you and the other person and encourages secrecy of thoughts (and maybe eventually of actions too).
The other person gets provoked by your emotionality to be defensive and emotional himself. And when people are feeling high levels of negativity, they're not going to be truthful or honest in sharing information about what they're really feeling or thinking in their hearts toward each other or the relationship or the issue at hand.
This may be especially true if your boyfriend was expressing his honest opinion about some issue (which obviously you disagree with) and you punished him by freaking out at him and making threats or insults. You were trying to not allow him to express his opinion (because you didn't like it) so in future he may simply with hold his true thoughts or opinions on other issues too because he believes you'll just freak out and punish him and be closed off to anything he says, rather than being open to maybe changing his opinion or you being able to work out a compromise, and then you're basically in a relationship with a stranger who's keeping secrets form you. Over time both people feel they can't trust each other. Already you feel you can't trust him, but maybe he feels he can't trust you either, because you tend to freak out and punish him when he expresses his opinions.
So you need to learn better communication skills so that you can work out conflicts without freaking out. If it means you need to learn to control or restrain your emotions so that your rational problem-solving side of your brain can have a chance to work, then that's what you need to learn to do. it's OK to tell him that you feel incredibly hurt and upset, but you can do so in a way that's not over the top, accusatory, vengeful, and laden with other toxic (at him) undertones.
The relationship may still not work out if your boyfriend is being very selfish or you two have fundamental clashes in values, but that would be a different kind of end, and at least the relationship would not be failing prematurely when there's actually still potential but due to your inability to work on problems productively. Learning new communication and conflict resolution skills will take time and a lot of effort and at first will feel unnatural, but it can be done and will be to your benefit.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 July 2011):
This is not his issue it is yours. You are insecure with yourself not him. He is not the problem I believe you would find it hard to trust any guy as you are insecure. Sometimes men open there mouth and think after. At least he is being honest with you and not hiding things from you. What gives you the reason not to believe him when he says he loves you? You have said to him that you will find someone who really loves you at college by saying this you are pushing him away and he is more likely to find someone else because he thinks you are going to go off and find someone else. You need to start communicating properly with each other and getting to the bottom of your insecurities or else the relationship is never going to work.
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A
female
reader, dearryme +, writes (5 July 2011):
You have already made an indirect threat about finding someone at uni,but cannot forget what he has said to you. Has he forgot or have you even thought about what you say? You have a genuine need to worry if you catch him doing something in secret and denies it. I dont say you should end it,as I think it will be the same with anyone, unless you confront the source of your insecurity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Omg you sound like me... I am the same way, if i hear something that i don't like then i can't get it out of my head and i obsess about it to the point where it will start to drive me mad and il bring it up.
Exactly the same as the nuts magazine..!!
To be honest though at least hes not hiding things from you , then you would have something to worry about, some men just open there mouth before they speak.
Your insecure in yourself and think hes going to cheat because thats what you expect him to do, has this happened in the past with him or someone else?
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