A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear everyoneI started to date a girl about 6 months ago and we started a relationship. We both knew it would become long distance but we both accepted it and said we'd give it a go, but we both understood they often don't work out. we accepted it and said we'd both be honest with our feelings and if we wanted out, we could just say so and the other person would accept the decision.However, about a month after that she told me she has anxiety disorders and depression from past relationships and if i ever broke up with her it would come back. which was quite worrying at the time, but i was still enjoying the relationship so i didnt give it much thought.since then, she has become quite needy and as i've got to know her more, i've realised we're not really compatible. These things happen sometimes and i dont think anyone is to blame. I work a lot and she is in a different time zone so we cannot talk often. and she said she feels lonely, so i said i did too. but she told me that if i ever feel lonely or stressed, it will bring back her anxiety disorders and depression as she will worry i'm not happy with the relationship. I feel i cannot express myself freely and have to always do things the way she wants. She is a nice enough girl, if she was closer to me it could work but with the 8 hour time difference it's becomming really difficult.she has made it clear to me if i ever wanted to end the relationship she would get depression again, so i feel trapped. I feel obliged to stay with her, and never express my unhappiness. I am the type of person that never likes to hurt people and finds it really difficult to say no. I don't know how i can discuss my feelings with her. What would you suggest?
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female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (29 September 2015):
 I would just break up with her as soon as possible (as nicely as you can) so it's not dragged along any-more than it needs to be. Unless one of you intends to move to be living in the same area as the other, LDR rarely work out, especially if you've never met (not sure if you have or not). Just be completely honest with her, she might be feeling the same way or have an entirely different reaction. As others have said, you're not responsible for her...good luck! :)
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 Honeypie's got it right. You aren't trapped, and you aren't obligated. What you are is being manipulated. Being manipulated or guilted into a relationship is no reason to be in one.
It needs to end. You're being more cruel to her by staying than by going. You're not her therapist, and you're not her everything. Relationships aren't built for a dynamic like this, where one is constantly needy and the other is forced to keep giving and giving and reassuring and soothing and emotionally bleeding into the other. That is toxic, and it's unhealthy especially for you.
You don't discuss your feelings with her. You tell her it's over, and that you're moving on in a different direction. She *will* try to guilt you. She may even threaten suicide, which is another form of manipulation. Tell her if she means it, then after the breakup (which you continue, by the way), you'll be legally obligated to call 911 and have paramedics at her door within 5 minutes, and you'll notify her parents or siblings about her intentions. You'll find that she didn't really mean what she said to you.
Listen, I did see a guy, not seriously, and when I found he had some mental issues, I got away from him. After I started dating someone else, about 6 months into it, the other guy came to visit me, and he was really out of his mind. I was adamant about not getting back with him, and a few weeks later, I actually got the news that they found his body in the river. I don't take on the guilt. After I saw him, I told his parents what was going on. He made his own choice. Your girlfriend will make her own, and you will make your own.
Being chained to a relationship is not a relationship. You're long distance, so there's no reason to think that you'll cut contact and she'll just forget about you. That's the conflict avoiding way. Same with carrying on a long distance lie while you secretly date someone locally as well. That is dishonest.
Just tell her it's over. You don't even need to get into why, except that it's not fair to her for you to continue. Then end it, block her number, block her social media, block it all. She's 8 hours away. She's not going to stalk you, and she can no longer use you either.
This is one of those times where you'll actually mature as you make the tough call and do the confrontation. Whatever you do, do NOT say you'll stay friends.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (27 September 2015):
 Honeypie has it absolutely right. Using, 'Poor me', is a way to exercise control over someone - in this case you. There are health professionals trained to help her. She needs to consult them. You cannot be her crutch.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If you have contact with any of her family, you might want to give them a heads-up about her need for medical support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): You're not happy and this relationship isn't working. You should not be accountable for her mental health, that's her issue and she is just using it as a way of forcing you to be with her. Finish with her gently, be kind and tell her she is a beautiful person but that actually, you don't feel you two are suited to each other and you don't want to hold her back from meeting a man who is perfect for her - but that man isn't going to be you.Can you then make contact one of her closest friends or family and request that they support her to get the help she needs. You again need to word things carefully, but tell them she has expressed for sometime that she will be depressed again if you leave and that whilst you don't want that to happen you're just not right for each other. Make someone aware who can help her get the professional help she needs. You must then have ZERO contact with her, she will become desperate and might try to force you back by threatening her health is at risk. If that happens, or she directly threatens suicide then screenshot any communication and contact her family member or friend and tell them she needs them. I would probably tell your girlfriend that you're going to not contact each other so you can both move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): I would say break up! This is way too heavy for only 6months and it sounds like you hardly see each other or talk. I have anxiety and depression myself but it is my problem not somebody elses. She should not be hinging her own issues on you that is not fair. You are absolutely not obligated to stay just end it sooner and do not drag things out which will only make it worse in the end.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2015):
 You are NOT obligated to stay in a relationship that is not working out for you.
You are NOT responsible for her mental health either.
She is using manipulation to make you stay in a relationship with her.
What she is saying is that she NEEDS someone to "fix" her depression, but life (and depression) doesn't work that way. IT IS her issue and she really should seek help for it. You NOT dumping her is not going to make her better. You can't have a relationship where you feel you have to stay out of guilt. That isn't healthy.
This is a co-dependent relationship. You are basically allowing her to use her illness to dictate YOUR life. I get that you don't want to hurt her feeling or make her miserable, she will get over it. JUST like she did in the past.
I would suggest you break up and cut the contact 100%. That way she can WORK on her issues (if she chooses) and you can move on.
Dump her, but do it gently. And next time you date someone... Find someone closer geographically to yourself, so you can get to know them in person.
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