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male
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*umm28
writes: I had a misunderstanding with my girlfriend of 1 yr. She said that i was loud and she left. now she says that she's afaird that i'll abuse her. i've never hit a woman and don't have a hot temper. i never called her names or cussed her just raised my voice. she won't answer my calls but have called me to say she misses me but she's scared. i think that she misunderstood me because her english is not so good. i love her and want to marry her. we never had a problem before. what can i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (17 January 2006):
 Dearie, i agree with everyone here. perhaps u could find a way to see her and set things right. Tell her what u said here that u have never raised your hands at any woman before and wouldnt to her. Try also to find out if she has been abuse in the past either by parents or boyfriends. she just might be scared. It is good also to work other ways to deal with issues with her without raising your voice since this puts her off.
Goodluck.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (17 January 2006):
It sounds to me maybe she has been asbued in the past? Do you know if she has? Perhaps she hasnt told you. For somoene to get very upset about someone yelling, to be very touchy with certain subjects (in this case, abuse) they react quicker and more over the top then someone who hasnt ever been through it. They live in fear it will happen again, so in order to protect themself, they be very protective.
You need to understand that she was scared and in future don't raise your voice. I know, I myself, (who hasnt been abused) gets shaken when somoene yells at me, because i grew up in a calm home where no1 yelled, excepts occasioanly and if they did it meant something SERIOUS was going on, not just an argument.
Iwould take this opportunity of your gf's reactment to change your behaviour and find better ways to 'argue'.
Its one thing to go and give her all pressies like a GUY (tpyical) said, but all the money in the world wont buy you love ofr forgiveness. You need to show her that you UNDERSTAND it hurt her. And the best way to do that is say it! She needs to know that you understand what made her feel so scared and that you will work on not doing it again. Perhaps even tell her your 'plan of action' to deal with arguments better.
I know you must feel very upset and bad about yoruself that you hurt her feelings, but dont be to hard on yourself, no1 could predict how she would react.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (17 January 2006):
 In addition to anonymous's answer (which I agree with), you could start by showing her acts of great kindness. Some examples come to mind like, Churches, zoo's, museums, FLOWERS, letters, Dinner and when your around her try having another friend around so she feels safe. Eventually she'll understand that it was a one time thing. If this was a one time thing then don't worry we all become angry once in a great while. If it's frequent; you need to get real help immediately, as it could grow out of control.
Sincerely
Ed
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006): i think her fear probably was more intense because you were yelling...maybe she had trouble understanding you and was confused? maybe she associates raising your voice as a precursor to someone becoming abusive--do you know if she was abused by someone before,or maybe her parents? i think it would be really nice if you found someone to help you write her a sincere apology in her native language, and make sure you make it clear that you would never ever hurt her. i think making that extra gesture by putting it in her language would make her see how much you care about her, and make it clear to her all of your feelings. i hope you work it out!
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