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female
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*olette
writes: I finished with someone after a couple of months but I can’t stop thinking about him. Ever insecure, I pushed him away before he could hurt me. Although he asked to remain friends he hasn’t replied to texts, picked up calls or responded to my letter. He doesn’t owe me anything but I feel awful and need to know if I really hurt him or if it meant nothing. It’s been a month – do I really have to leave it now – isn’t there anything I can do? I’ve never lost anyone this way before!I met him on the internet a couple of weeks after leaving London to do a TEFL up north and he had moved up after splitting up with his girlfriend of 2 years. We were very different but spent time together most evenings and it was nice company. He was very intense and affectionate but I couldn’t help thinking he was transferring his emotions from his girlfriend - although he claimed that it was over long before they finished. I was still thinking about a previous relationship after months and was more breezy and reserved. I’d spent my last relationship confused about the seriousness of my feelings for this other person when he’d sought reassurance, and by the time I realized how much he meant, his ex had asked for them to get back together… Disastrous.Even though we exchanged our pasts and short comings, I seemed to be repeating myself. This new person was the first person I’ve ever felt amazingly attracted to. It was electric snatches of frustrated intimacy. There was no extended time alone as we were both at home with conservative parents. One evening of terrible deliberation – it seemed like a light went out but we ended up together in the back of his car like teenagers.. The anti-climax, location, reminder of lost independence and over-thinking afterwards made me decide it wasn’t working. He was an actor waiting for work doing a job he hated and cut me off during bouts of unhappiness. I really wanted to see him, exchange insecurities and maybe find comfort. I wouldn’t see him for the weekend and it had already been a week. This particular evening he was low, he bought up his ex and I felt it was all a bit worthless. A couple of glasses of wine later and I sent him a text. Arrr..Even while I was sending it I thought, god what am I doing? Again? By text? Why? Testing him? Part of my reasoning when we spoke was that I didn’t want to add to his problems especially as his ex was still on the scene and obviously upset. I know that’s the worst place to be. I must have composed something somewhere in my head, but maybe false emotion came from the wine and it was the most I’d exposed myself. While we were talking I was hoping he’d ask me to reconsider or that I could retract what I’d said – but I’d said it.And if I did mean it, is it just boredom that makes me keep thinking about him? I’d really like to know how he is – am I supposed to just leave it and learn from it – I am useless at relationships!
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female
reader, colette +, writes (28 November 2006):
colette is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Irish49 and Shandy Pop, really uplifting advice.
Thank you xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): Well, don't beat yourself up. I think there is a lot of rebound jobbies going on here. Have you ever spent any time on your own, really on your own. I think it is something you need to consider. Get to know and love yourself then begin to let someone into your world. I spent 4 years on my own with my youngest son, it did me a lot of good. Get your independence going, meet new people and get out into the world.
Stop phoning him and texting. That's it. Move on.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): Colette, You weren't ready for a relationship when you met this man. You were wary and feeling insecure from your past relationship. You carried all this into your relationship with this new guy. It's called baggage and it caused you to perhaps..over think, make an assumption, therefore a bad choice. You forgot to do the 'work' on you before meeting and getting involved with the new guy. If it's been a month, since you spoke, there is nothing you can do..it sounds like he has moved on. Accept that and take the lesson you did learn from this and move on. And remember..self-love and a happy positive way of thinking is crucial when beginning a new relationship. Leave this man alone and get and start recovering so you too, can move ahead. Good luck, dear and take care.
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