A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been dating this really sweet guy for a little over two weeks and things are going well. I am happy but I’m scared that this happiness will only be temporary. I do not fall for people easily and I have a tendency to push people away when things are going well because subconsciously I fear that they will leave me, it’s like there is a little voice in the back of my head which convinces me that they don’t actually like me and I’m being used, so I go cold instead. This is the first time in my life I have properly opened myself up to a relationship and, although I don’t expect this affair to last forever, I am afraid that it will be over before it has begun. It doesn’t help that he kissed me on the first date and it already feels like we have dating for much longer; I’m not sure how fast these things usually move. I am terrified of coming on too strong and scaring him, so I find myself distancing myself from his instead. I really like this guy and do not want to screw it up by being too intense or leading him to believe that I don't like him. My fear of him leaving me is making me subconsciously push him away and I don’t know how to stop doing it, I don't know how I should act. I just wish that I could be happy with however things go, but I have been waiting so long to fall for someone that it is driving me crazy.Please give me your advice!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 May 2018):
 I used have a big fear of commitment, but I would push because I didn’t want anyone close to me after being hurt when I was younger.
If you go on like this you will end up very lonely, you need to let your guard down and go with the flow. The whole thing about being in love with someone is letting go and trusting the other person not to hurt you. If they do, then they weren’t right for you anyways. It will be another person removed from the dating pool and you keep going until you find someone that’s right for you.
There’s not much else you can do. Be more positive about things, if he’s not given you a reason to doubt him then don’t. You’re ruining your own happiness by sabotaging your relationships. It’s possible he will leave you, but it’s possible you could end up marrying this man, who knows? Just see what happens, relax.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2018): Read about attachment theory!! Sounds like you are avoidant; 25% of people are. You can take steps to work through it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): Grow-up! Happiness isn't 24/7, and you need a more mature perception of what a healthy relationship is. It's not his responsibility to endure your insecurities; while constantly pouring on reassurance to make you feel safe. You're not an infant, you're a grown-woman. There are no guarantees in life, or in-love.
That's the problem with many young women in relationships; judging by so many posts about the same thing. They can't get over past relationships, they harbor tons of insecurities, and they expect relationships to be Hollywood-romantic around the clock. There are more than your own feelings involved in a relationship.
Relationships require maturity, and you have to believe you deserve being happy. You also have to believe you deserve to be with the person you're with. They are human and might make some mistakes. You're likely to do the same. How can you maintain a relationship and expect no mistakes?
Don't expect to feel perfectly sure all the time. Your relationship has to be tested for strength and endurance, and it has to withstand a few challenges for it to be durable enough to last. Growth requires stretching, and room to do it. The health of the relationship depends heavily on what you bring into it. Not just what he does for you!
A relationship is not being with a guy for the purpose of him trying to figure out how to cater to each and every one of your insecurities or fears. While you drain the life out of him. It goes two-ways. Give and take. Not take take take!
Relationships also require trust and common-sense. If you're constantly overthinking and intellectualizing what it should be; you never enjoy it for what it is. Not worry for how long it lasts; but how good it is for what time you are together.
If you act like a crazy-person, yes...he will most certainly leave you. You have to get a grip on your behavior, and stop worrying about what could go wrong. Self-fulfilling prophecy is the reason things go wrong. You make it so. If you want someone to stay; give them a good reason to. Be patient, understanding, calm, and allow them to breath. You can be loving without being clingy and smothering.
You think leaving you is the worst thing that they can do? Bear this in-mind. People leave you when you consistently do and say things that makes being with you difficult. When no matter what they do you won't settle-down; and you behave like a certified-nutcase. Expect them to leave, be that always the case. They want love, not a job baby-sitting your insecurities.
Stop worrying so much about how long you'll be together; and focus on the quality of the love-connection you're building. Focus on reciprocating what you receive.
Force yourself to take the risk of giving him the trust he deserves. Trustworthiness must be rewarded. Not questioned, when it's consistently proven; and it's right there in your face! He's taking just as much of a risk on you, as you are on him.
Being self-centered and always worrying about how things affect YOU in a relationship; is proof you're too immature for a real relationship. Stop wasting the precious time people give you. Just so you can reject them for some silly reason. How selfish and conceited that is!
Maybe you need some counseling to get-over whatever trauma you've experienced in your past; that makes you so uneasy in every relationship. Stop committing to relationships when you know you're only going to do the same thing over and over. You're not the only one who can get hurt in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 May 2018):
 You are magnifying the effects of someone leaving you. The most that will happen is that you will be single again and you can start afresh. If your mind tells you to believe that you will go into depression, that you are not worthy of love, that you can't find anyone else again, train yourself to believe that you are worthy of happiness and love. You go into relationships to enjoy bonds with people, no matter how long that union would be, not to gamble your heart and soul away.
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