A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am married to a wonderful guy and yet I've always been a bit of a loner. We always joke that we love being loners together. He comes from a large happy family and they meet every now and then for a huge meal. I have no issues with his family and I am in good terms with everyone- yet, I hate family gatherings, I hate large family meals, I hate sitting at the table for hours on end eating greasy food and making small talk. So, last time they had a gathering I asked my hubby if I could stay at home and relax on my own and he said of course. What can i say... I loved it!! It was a nice relaxing sunday on my own and I really neeeded that. Now, with Easter Sunday approaching we already got invited to a family lunch and... I don't want to go!!! I forgot to mention that I am very careful about my diet, so I would need to have salad while everyone else is eating greasy yummy food and that is not an easy thing to do. Anyway, I told him I'd rather stay home on my own and relax while he could of course go and although he said it was okay... I know he'd love me to go and happily be there. Is this thing going to make us distanced? Is this going to be a problem in the years to come? Should I just suck it up and go? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 honestly I think you need to make an effort. It is okay to back out now and again, but twice in a row is going to make his family think there is something wrong. If you are eating healthy then surely you can have a day off where you can be a little easier on your diet? Sometimes I would prefer to be at home but I make an effort for my other half as he does for me. So my opinion is go and support your husband and enjoy a lovely Sunday lunch.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2017): If you want your marriage to last and for it to be happy and balanced, you need to go to these family gatherings. Not all of them, but to the important ones. And to at least every other one.I was married to a man for 12 years who refused to come along to my family gatherings. In the first few years I begged and cajoled and he would come along to about 50% of them. Then as the years went by he made every excuse in the book not to go. I was gracious and said OK, that's fine because I didn't want an argument over it. For the final 7 years of our marriage he did not join me at a single family gathering. I felt that I was alone and single at every event even thought I had a husband at home. I felt unsupported by him and very lonely. And I began to resent him more and more for it. I also slowly lost all respect for him because he was not showing my family any respect, and because he was expecting me to lie to my family about why he was not joining them. They knew that I was lying for him, and it made me feel wretched.We broke up after 12 years because I didn't want to be married to someone who just wanted to stay indoors and watch the television. I wanted a life, and I wanted my family in my life.You don't say how long you and your husband have been married. But before too many years pass this will become an issue. Marriage is a two way street, we take on each other's families when we marry. So go to those events. Take your own healthy food if someone is cooking greasy food. If you go to a restaurant choose the healthy option. But go with your husband. Show him that the pair of you are a team, show him that you support him, and make sure that he does not have to take on the burden of family obligations by himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): I'm an introvert, love my time at home in my space; I totally understand how nice it is to not have to sit around a table for hours making small talk when you want to relax - but it isn't often. You missed the last one, and the next one is for Easter so it's probably best you just go. Whilst your husband is happy to make your apologies his family, they may start to feel offended or at least ignored. Whilst you don't intend to do that, or make them feel that way, it's a natural assumption they'll make. Go along, it's not a regular thing and you'll have a few months of not having another one.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 Holidays like Easter and Christmas are one of those times you SHOW UP. NOBODY likes the big family productions. I have one next Saturday myself I'd love to get out of, but you sign up for that sort of thing when you get married and join into a family.
Now, if this family gets together often, one bow-out on a non-holiday isn't going to end the world, but making it a habit and ducking out on the big ones isn't cool unless you have a really good excuse like sickness (no one wants a contagious person eating with them) or you're out of town or something.
Being on a diet is easier than you think. When you have a salad while others are gorging on rich food, just tell them you're on a regimen you can't break, and then go into the benefits of this and that (like sugar detox or the paleo diet or whatever). Chances are you'll spark the small talk in that direction and it'll die down naturally.
The big holidays you go. In the US, there are 3 people usually don't skip, the biggest one being Thanksgiving.
Otherwise, your husband is reasonable!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 Be flexible. It's all about working out reasonable compromises. Like , go this time, and skip the next.
You do not have to attend all the family events, particularly if they happen frequently. Your husband knows that you value your " me time " and that you hate large family meals- and he accepts that. He does nothing to pressure you to change your mind , nor he sulks if you don't go - Brownie points for him.
On the other hand, you know that he would love to have you joining the family celebration, and maybe every now and then you'll want to please him and make the effort ( I hear you, I am not a family gatherings type myself and I understand it IS a big effort ) , just to make him happy AND to reward him for being such an easygoing guy.
Also because if you skip all the family meals, sooner or later these good people are bound to take it personally and assume that you have a big problem with THEM , even if this is not the case. Sure , your husband can explain them that you just are not a vey social type, and that you are on a diet, and that you find tiring to be sitting around a table for a long time etc. etc.- but I guess it's inevitable the average person thinks " Whatever. But she COULD get over her hung ups , once in a blue moon ! ....if only she did not hate our guts ".
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): I think hubby compromised well and was a trooper. One good turn deserves another.
It suits you best to stay in good graces with his family as a whole. You must go. These gatherings are for the purpose of keeping the family close, celebrating togetherness; and that
includes the in-laws. Forget about the "greasy food" and your pickiness. Enjoy the love.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 April 2017):
 I totally understand where you are coming from but you should SUCK it up and go. You will have PLENTY of days where you can putter around at home alone.
And eating a salad while they eat greasy foods is OK. You could even bring your own food if that makes you feel better or make a dish for EVERYONE to share.
You are part of a "team" and that means you support each other and that in turn can mean being at a social family gathering when you rather be at home.
...............................
A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 I agree with Denizen. Opting out occasionally is OK, but don't let it become a habit. Make the effort to join in, it's not as if his family is a nightmare. They sound like good people and it would be a shame if you allowed yourself to distance them, as you never know when you might need them to be on your side. So, I would advise you to make the effort on Easter Sunday and celebrate the fact that you have married into such a good family!
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 April 2017):
 Well yes, you should make the effort to go. Let me let you into a little secret - we all hate family gatherings. And if not hate we have to make an effort. But they are important. Family cohesion is a priceless part of our culture.
If you continue to boycott family gatherings they will all start to feel shunned, and wonder what on earth they have done to upset you.
As a compromise go for just a little while. Either stay and have a bite or two of salad, or pop by later. The family will enjoy a little of your company. I think you can turn up your social skills for just an hour or two if you try.
...............................
|
