A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Growing up, I did not have a good relationship with my parents and my brother.My dad had a temper and was a control freak. He also blamed others for his mistakes. My mom was a drama queen who freak out about everything. She also had to go to drug rehab twice. My brother was only nice to me when he wanted something from me. When he didn't want anything from me, he either pretended that I didn't exist or was mean to me. My parents were not all bad. They did try there best to be good parents. They were definitely better parents than what my grandparents were. I will even give my mom credit for overcoming her drug addiction, which had to be extremely hard to do. My dad worked his butt off through college with no help from his dad and stepmother (his mom died when he was 13 years old).But I knew it was in my best interest to get away from them and have limited contact with them. I moved to the west coast when I was 22 years old. I talked to my parents on the first of every month and the conversations last less than 30 minutes. I do rent a P.O. Box so they can write me letters and I can write them letters (they don't know my home address and I want to keep it that way). I have not seen my parents in ten years and I have not seen my brother in 15 years. So my parents retired and bought a camper. They are planning on going on a trip on the West coast and want to see me.The problem is that I only want to see them in a public setting (not at my house or at their camper). I be okay with meeting them for lunch at a restaurant.Am I being unreasonable with only meeting them at a public setting? My husband (we're gay) thinks I'm being unreasonable but he never met my parents. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): Trust your instincts on this, only meet with them in a public place. Speak with your husband and remind him that you had a very difficult childhood. They did their best and you kindly acknowledge that they did better than the generation that preceeded them; however, they still fell short on giving you a safe and loving space to grow. If your husband had a positive childhood, I guess it'll be hard for him to empathise and want to give them the benefit of thr doubt.I would make sure before he meets them, that you make very clear boundaries for him to follow with them too - e.g. he does not tell them your address and that he understands your need to keep them at a safe distance.You also do not have to meet with them if you don't want to. This is your decision, do what you are comfortable and happy to do.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2022):
 If your husband grew up with "decent" or even "good/great" parents it can be hard for him to really understand how you feel about your parents. However, I'm sure if you explain that you LIKE and WANT your privacy from your parents due to the experiences you have had growing up with them and THIS is who you haven't seen them in over a decade and the brother in over 15 years.
If you ONLY want to meet them in public then THAT is your prerogative. Hopefully, your husband can respect that. I don't think it's too much to ask.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): Everything you say makes sense. You can say you will meet them for lunch at a restaurant, but don't make the mistake of explaining why or going into a long thing about it. Make it sound normal and natural as if you do this with other people too. It is not your husband's decision, he does not have to live with the consequences or feelings that go with it.
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