A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 49 year old man, married for 26 years, unhappily for the last 12 or so. About a month ago I received an e-mail from a high school friend through one of those reunion websites. We knew of each other but never dated. She just asked how I was doing and so on. I replied back and asked the same. After a few messages, we exchanged e-mail addresses. We agreed to get together and talk about the old times over a few drinks, however I was anxious to meet her again since she sounded so pleasant over the phone. Well, we met and had a blast! We agreed to meet again. So far we've met many times and can't see enough of each other and had sex as well, which was incredible. She was married in the past. We are falling for each other and can't help it. She has opened up my eyes to the fact that I'm very unhappy with my marriage. My problem is that my third child is still 16 years old... my other two are adults, and I want to be there for him until he reaches adulthood. I have told my friend everything and she says that she will wait for me, however we still want to see each other. How do I explain this to my wife? Should I stay for my son? I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, billith +, writes (7 November 2010):
I'm curious to know how you resolved this situation. I am in exactly the same spot right now and deeply struggle with the decision.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Whilst I have to consider that the anonymous female may have some valid points, I also consider how you are handling your dissatisfaction with your marriage as a cop out.
What becomes so common, in situations like this, is that you consider that your actions are just. Saying you are not happy in your marriage as a reason to quite frankly, be dishonest and deceitful is inexcusable.
There are a number of issues which come to mind reading your post. Firstly your marriage. Okay, it isn't working for you. What have you consider possible to change this honestly. Then you talk about your responsibilities, your youngest son. Do you consider that the way you are handling your problems and the possible consequences of your current actions are not going to be considered totally inappropriate as a father. When your son discovers your values, he will perhaps have a hard time. Honesty in resolving your current marital problems or dissatisfaction, would in my opinion, only create respect from your family. So you are to consider irrespective of the outcome, that you are the one now driving this issue into possible doom.
Do you have a right to be happy - yes of course you do. But do you have the right to manipulate others lives and existance in the persuit of that, no you don't. The other common issue for those who get involved in such a relationship mess as you, tend to, after the fact and when things get more complicated, try to get themselves ready for their major life changing decision. How dare you. You say shall I wait until my son is an adult. Great, when is that? What about your wife and the time she is wasting on someone who is eventually going to leave her. Why not think about what is best for the other people in this mess, like your wife of 26 years. Even if she is a first class bitch, can't you consider that she could perhaps use this time to find someone else also. How many years do you need to stand up and be honest about how you are feeling in your marriage. This situation has nothing to do with your old schoolmate. This is about what integrity and honesty you are prepared to face when considering such a major life changing situation. It is no good to later try and patch it all up and feel positive about how you handled things. Be man, give consideration to the many years of life you have already shared with your wife, front up and tell her you want out. Don't run around trying to find excuses for not making that decision. Don't feel comfort that this women will wait until your in a position. Have the guts to be alone if that is what it takes. Whether you like it or not, this is going to hurt someone. That is just the way it is. How you are honest and handle the break up of your marriage, may give your wife some comfort in the long run. However if you continue to have this affair, continue the illusion of being a contented husband and father, and later this is discovered to be a lie, then I think you may well regret this path your taking.
It is exceptionally difficult for anyone to regain respect. To most of us the respect we are given by others, particularly family and friends is pretty important. We loose it by the actions we take, particularly when it ivolves the destruction of someone elses life. Affairs destroy peoples life. Simple as that. Honesty heals peoples lives, even if it is something they do not want to hear!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I completely disagree with other posters who say that if you go off with this new lady, you will be in the same unhappy position in 20 years time. I don't think a lot of posters have the faintest idea of what it's like to be so unhappy in a marriage that you wake every morning with an ache in your heart. But I know exactly how you're feeling, as I am in a similar situation as you. Many people marry the wrong partner, but still try their very best to keep the marriage going, even though they know deep down that things aren't what they should be. No-one can be completely certain at the tender age of 23 that they're still going to be content together after a decade, let alone for the rest of their lives! But, you can feel proud of the fact that, by the time your child reaches 18, you will have given 28 years of your life to your marriage - amazing by today's standards! My history is that I also married at 23 and have stayed with my husband (mostly unhappily) for 30 years, without ever straying. I now intend to leave once my youngest reaches 18 (next year). I have dedicated more than half my life to a marriage virtually devoid of sex, affection and companionship, and I now feel entitled to find happiness with someone else. You only have 2 years to go before your youngest reaches adulthood, and your new lady says she will wait for you. The time will pass very quickly. But you need to sit down with your wife and explain what has happened and what your plans are for the future. She may be shocked and angry with you, but, on the other hand, you might find she's just as unhappy as you and welcomes a divorce. You sound like a sensible person and will no doubt listen to your head as well as your heart. But for goodness sake, don't listen to people who want to condemn you to a miserable future just for the sake of ... what? Well, "holding the marriage together", apparently. Just ask yourself this .. once your child has left home, who are you actually holding the marriage together for?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Whoa, sex is going to your head, and the fantasy life you have with this old high school flame is all about not having any responsibility to her, why you don't have to answer to her and she doesn't have to get tired of washing your shorts....get my drift....wake up man, before you financially devestate your family and lose the respect of your adult children and make a poor role model for your youngest son.....this woman is a cheater and so are you, how successful will your relationship be based on the way it began with the betrayal of trust to your respective spouses and families....past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior......You say you did not realize you were unhappy in your marriage until you received this email from your old friend, and you had a Blast, oh how wonderful for you....now you are paying the consequences of making an unconcious decision.....you are in an unhappy place, poor you....
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Do you think it is worth to give up everything you have and go for this woman?
Your house, home, wife and children.They will surely not agree with you .
You will have to start all over again.
Many have traveled this road and regretted it.
Think carefully.
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