A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 24 years, and we have two teenage daughters together. I thought I married my best friend, and for awhile we were very happy. I don't really understand how things went so wrong, but over the years, our marriage has slowly deteriorated, and has gotten to the point where we can barely speak to each other now, without it turning into a huge fight. My children do not want to be at our home, and neither do I. Apparently he doesn't either because he is always at work ...which lately, is fine with me. I have gotten used to doing everything alone...it's better than the constant bickering that never gets resolved. I realize that we are both responsible for this happening, but I feel that my husband has said and done so many hurtful things, that I can not seem to get past. He won't communicate anything with me about our finances, how he feels...but instead, he goes around discussing it with everyone else, including my children...behind my back. Today my daughter told me that her Dad said he was going to walk away from the house and the payment and get an apartment and wanted her to live with him. What the hell? My name isn't even on the house...I don't have a job...he controls all the money...I don't have a dime.... what am I supposed to do if he does this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): First of all be honest with yourself without prejudice/finger pointing /name calling/casting blame...What has caused the bickering..Only the two of you know if you really face up to it....
You say you husband has said hurtful things to you and my guess is that you are not innocent either, you have said hurtful things to him too...
There is a passage in the bible that says 'it is better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a contentious(quarrelsome) woman'....have you become a contentious(quarrelsome) woman over the years?? Even you children don't want to be at home
Your husband discussing everything with everyone else(including your children) but you, is because talking to you would only turn into another big row(it is not intended to be behind you back, in my opinion) and most likely you have both lost you way on how to communicate with each other or have not matured in your relationship to do so...There a couple after being together so long can finish each others sentences but that is beside the point here
Has he done something to make you feel resentful , unloved taken for granted or have you taken him for granted that your response/and his response now is to pick fights at the least opportunity???
And why don't you work?? Has this always been the situation??
What I find interesting is you seem more worried about your financial security(though understandable) , than the actual state of affairs of you relationship, the intimacy, friendship and companionship.....You come across to me(and I may be wrong), to be content with your husband keeping out of your way so long as he provides financially for the home....
You BOTH need to change, if you are to make this marriage work and it seems to me your husband has been frustrated a long time coming...The statement that 'he is done working his ass off for nothing strikes a cord'.... You say actions speak louder than words and make no mention of anything you have proactively done to mend bridges..It's like you are leaving it all to him to figure out and fix ...What have you done beside praying for a miracle??? Faith without action is dead...And what with the whatever?...
Sorry to sound harsh but to solve a problem one needs to acknowledge the is one usually starting with your self first.....The fact that he hasn't left yet means there is still a lot of hope but you are both going to have to work together and not against each other.... perhaps seek counselling first and try to be more positive in your conversations.....You may have to be very conscious to bite back remarks that you would normally retort when he says something that could start you off...It will not be long before hopefully he will notice a change and in turn respond civilly without preparing the boxing gloves....24 years is a long time to throw away...
When you talk to each other you need to RESPECT each others feelings..If he says I am hurt, don't say or act like he has no right to be hurt because you think he shouldn't be..Respect that he feels the way he does and let him know that you are listening....Validating his feelings....Let him know that you also would like for him to validate your feelings and all this should be done in a very calm mature way not over the bickering...use your softer side, your femininity, no confrontation....Learn to communicate effectively and lovingly...This is not just about your right but about you RESPONSIBILITY to each other as Husband and Wife..
Think back of all the years that you have been together and all the many things or ways he has provided as a father, husband and show him you appreciate it....He is not a perfect man but neither are you a perfect woman, you are both human and make mistakes.... Apologize for any hurt you may have caused by harsh words...I believe he will respond positively to you
You may think that I am talking to you like it is all on you, but it is you you I am able to write to....
I think you should find a job of some sort too even if it is a small business you can run from the home part-time or something. All the best
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 June 2011):
It might be helpful to see a counselor or therapist to help build up your confidence and self esteem, as part of your preparations for divorce and re-adjustment to life without being married to your husband.
Call a lawyer or a divorce counselor first (some offer free first consultations) and tell them upfront your financial situation and maybe they can suggest something since I'm sure that your situation is more common than you think (i.e. women wanting to divorce their husbands but whose husbands control all the finances).
Do you not have ANY money at all that you can use without your husband's permission?
And since he's given you the go ahead to get a divorce since he doesn't care, then cant' you use "his" money to pay the lawyer fees?
"More than that, I fear I will be really alone alone for the rest of my life."
well, you'll probably actually feel better being "really alone" than being subjected to devaluation as you are now.
do you have any friends or family members who have been through divorce? If so you can see that it's not the end of the world! Whatever happens next is more within your power, than if you were to continue staying married. As long as you remain married to your husband, you are powerless to be less alone than you already are.
And even if you were to "be alone" for the rest of your life - really ask yourself what this means and why it is so inconceivable. Does being unmarried equate to 'being alone for the rest of your life' - will you no longer have any friends if you divorce your husband? Will your daughters and other family members no longer want to have anything to do with you? Will you lose the ability to make new friends? some times it may help to really grasp your worst fear by the horns and break it apart to challenge why it is really so fearful that it's got this hold on your life, then you can start slowly to move past it (and a counselor or therapist can help you with that)
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A
female
reader, imlonely17  +, writes (6 June 2011):
I think you need to speak to a lawyer, get a job, and get a divorce. It's time. Let's face it, none of us are getting any younger, and if you ever want to meet someone else, you better get a move on ending this dysfunctional situation. You will get allimony from your husband, but you need to get your name on the title of the house and get a career for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone keeps telling me to get a divorce,and I guess I have known for a while that this is what I need to do, I'm just so afraid. I don't know where to begin, or how to get a Lawyer without any money. More than that, I fear I will be really alone alone for the rest of my life. I have just been going through the motions, pretending it will be OK... He still tells me he loves me everyday as he kisses my forehead and walks out the door,and even though I know that isn't enough,(actions speak so much louder than words) I have stayed, because I keep hoping like one of you said for that miracle. So I tried to talk to him about what he had said to my daughter about walking away from the house, and he told me he hadn't decided for sure what he was going to do. When I told him I felt like I should be included in those types of decisions he stated and I quote: " As long as I am the only one paying the bills, I make those decisions." I was thinking that sounded a little harsh...so I said "then what am I even here for"? to which he responded...that If I didn't like it - too bad,that's the way it is going to be. He said He's done working his ass off for nothing...that all I ever want is money money money,that I'm always threatening to leave him,(which is not true...trying to have a conversation with him about anything he doesn't agree with, always equates to I'm leaving him and probably taking him for everything in his mind- whatever) and then he said that If I thought I could do better than him...to go ahead and get busy. OK OK OK I get it...he is leaving me no choice. Does Anyone have any advice about what I do first? or know where I should go for a lawyer without money?I hate all of this, and am so depressed. I just keep smiling and pretending I've not been crying all day.... but I'm about to crack, I'm in HELL!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): You need to divorce this guy, it soudns like this marriage is beyond repair.
Yes miracles can happen in turning around disastrous marriages BUT only if BOTH parties really want to save the marriage and that's just the first step toward a long and hard road to actually saving the relationship.
it sounds like that isn't an option for you because neither you nor your husband want to save the relationship, and furthermore he's already moved on with his life, and not even telling you about it..
you need serve him divorce papers, and get a job. Maybe get a job first then file for divorce. In divorce settlement the courts will make sure you get some alimony.
you've basically already been living alone for the last X number of years, it's far better to be alone because you are single, than to be alone in a marriage. don't let logistics like money keep you from moving forward with your life, your husband has already moved on with his
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A
female
reader, rocc  +, writes (1 June 2011):
First get a job for yourself, and make sure you both come to an agreement of what the kids will do. The kids can handle parents being in different houses as teenagers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): It sounds like you better start looking for a job.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 May 2011):
Well, since you're married you're entitled to half the assets, child maintenance and spouse support anyway - so if he does walk you're covered to an extent, and he won't get it all his own way.
Personally, I think the fact that he's using the children as pawns is disgusting. He's wrecking any chance of them having an happy home, and he's treating them with as little respect as he treats you. I utterly hate parents who use their children as pawns! That's the thing that screws them up. Children can get their heads around divorce if it is handled as amicably as possible, and if both parents act like parents and not selfish idiots. What they can't get their head around is when parents are at each others' throats - by him telling them all this stuff, he is disowning you, but by disowning you, he is effectively disowning the because they are part of you!
I think this appalling treatment, coupled with the fact that he's not willing to do anything to fix it is enough for you speak with a lawyer, find out your rights are and start looking towards getting away from him. Also, your at this rate your children will need counselling, so get that ready too.
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