A
female
age
41-50,
*enee217
writes:I have lived with my boyfriend for around 3 years, we own a house together. His life very much involves his friends and he spends a great deal of time texting each day, I ran across a bill while cleaning and he sent 1700 texts in one month for example. He has to be everyone's friend, he spends a great deal of time being the nicest guy anyone could ever meet but to me he treats me badly. He is emotionally abusive, I feel pathetic because I have to make him find time for me... he plays mind games, he speaks badly about me, recently he did this and a person who I had been sort of friends with (who recently lost her husband) that I thought they were trying to get together. I did not say this ever. I got on his case about it and he says he told me he may have said it but if he did it was as a joke, could have said it to her or someone he didn't know. He says "why do I always get blamed" "okay, I will take the blame again" I asked him not to go out of his way to hug her as he does everyone and to be her buddy still because this was not okay how she treated me and he says " I can't promise that" and " you always try to tell me who I can be friends with" She was very mean, he still bends over backwards to anyone who treats me badly, doesn't feel like it is his issue, asks why I try to get him in the middle, says I try to control who he can be friends with but I never feel backed, protected, loved. I don't understand why I can't be enough, why the promises he made about wanting to get married and have a kid can't happen. I don't understand why friends are such a huge part of his life, it is excessive, not just the making time and being there for friends. We went to therapy and when I told my side of things he said I was twisting everything and it's me that is so awful and it's me that is abusive and he says that I am physically abusive which I am very much not. I am leaving him but I am having a hard time understanding why he acts the way he does. I don't understand why he needs to act like such a wonderful guy to everyone else but puts in zero effort with me, I don't understand why he can't see his part in anything, for example her going off on me because of something HE SAID. I don't understand why he can't back me, stick up for me, protect me and have an issue with people if they treat me badly but still just wants to act like it is only my issue and problem and he is still best buds with them like everything is okay... I need to leave him and move on but I want to know why because I feel this could help me. He is 36 and I am 33.
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emotionally abusive, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): I would pack my things and leave one day when he's at work or out of town, AND I would leave 2 copies of greenlisa's poem, one copy on his bed and one copy on the kitchen table. Then I would ask him how he want to settle the house, maybe have him pay you out or get a lawyer.
So yes I would say you needs to move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): "I don't understand why I can't be enough, why the promises he made about wanting to get married and have a kid can't happen."
You have low self-esteem and he's a manipulator, liar and abuser taking shameless advantage of your weakness(es) solely for his personal benefit.
You need counselling ASAP.
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A
female
reader, greenlisa  +, writes (4 May 2012):
i went through a very simalar thing with my ex i left him last november but throughout the five years we were together he always put me down he would try and make me believe that it was me the problem saying i was ill and needed help i would often question at night when i was on my own if maybe he was right and i was ill and just didnt realise. Then last september i started at college and right from the start began achieving things that i never believed that i could i made lots of friends and my confidence soared i soon realised that it was not me with the problem at all it was him. I cant give you a definite answer as to why he does this to you but my oppinion is that these men that do this just feel the need to be in control to try and put you in a place where you believe that no matter how bad they treat you that you are lucky to even have them at all when in actual fact it is quite often the reverse. what this man is doing to you is wrong its abuse and the longer you allow it to continue the more damage it will cause you. i know it can be scary to leave fear of being on your own because of how hes made you feel or maybe you would lose your home and have no where to go i dont know the details but trust me even if you end up with a handfull of belongings and starting from scratch it will be the best decision you ever make. you may not realise it now but this man will have caused you damage whether it be self confidence issues or trust issues and it will take time for you to heal so get away darling you wont ever look back you are a much better person than he is and deserve so much better. when i left my partner i wrote a poem once i realised exactly what he had been doing. ive attatched it at the bottom in the hope you will see that your not alone and you can get through this. good luck hunny and take care. xxx You were wrongI believe in my destiny and believe in my fate,I believe that whatever my life has its date,And while I have choices and things I must do,I trust that my heart will carry me through,You think you can see what I feel, what I am,With your shallow vision there’s no way that you can,You know that I’m broken but you call me insane,To me we were special but to you we were a game,The good times were false not one of them was real,You took hold of my heart and fed me the spiel,You conquered my body then mastered my mind,Only now I can see why they say that love is blind,You tricked and you conned me so evil and cruel,Called me a psycho to make me the fool,I loved you so deeply with nothing to gain,All that you gave me was heartache and pain,You shouldn’t have hurt me no one deserves that,Then you thought you could fix it with a simple chat,I stayed strong on your side for five solid years,Bitter and angry I’m all out of tears,The thing is my darling I’m stronger than you,And insane you believe so who knows what I will do,Plans to destroy you race must through my brain,The way you destroyed me again and again,If I were the person that you now perceive,I would take out revenge that I’m sure you believe,However this proves how you still don’t know ME,My name is Lisa not psycho nutter or she!I’ve no feelings of hatred or wanting you dead,That of sadness disbelief and lost love instead,Honesty and respect was what I wanted of you,I’m left with just memories but which ones were true? Sometimes I pray that my broken heart stops,When I feel like I’m drowning in endless teardrops,My emotions are a mess so much needs mending,Now you are gone i can finally get my happy ending.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 May 2012):
 So, Renee.... you spent quite some time writing this submittal which details just exactly what an ASS is this "boyfriend" of your's..... Will it take more than a minute or two for you to realize just what a loser he is, and decide, then and there, that you are not going to be his foot-wipe mat and dump his sorry bottom and get on with your life????? ..... knowing full well that you will probably NEVER find a man who is equally as abusive and not-worthy-of-you as is this one????Good luck.....
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