A
female
age
51-59,
*race89
writes:I have been married almost 15 years and i have been a controlling, nagging, insecure wife for 12. And i also suffer from bi polar and depression in which my husband dose to. He also has what is called "sexual anorexia" yes it sounds strange and yes it is a condition. I have been working on not snooping and just taking care of me with counseling and trying to find what i like and try to be more of a friend and a lover and not be a nagging mom. But it is getting hard because i am ALWAYS helping with what he needs help with, I am offering sex ( he said i used to not act interested so now i am acting interested) he is needing me to show appreciation to him and give him encouragement so that way he can feel the love and appreciation from me and see that things are changing and help him focus on him to get him better and i try to focus on me to get me better but i am stuck. I know i have ruined it for myself either for a long time or forever on getting compliments and words of encouragement and plus what i read about his disease they will never feel truly loved they will always be negative about stuff and have a hard time giving credit where credit is due or compliment. But i have found that he puts a couple of his friends on a pedestal and says they deserve to be up there and said they look pretty. That is all fine and dandy they he feels that way about his friends and im glad he has friends like that but i am confused and it hurts. Did i hurt him that bad that im on the dirt? I feel like a inconveince and that he is better off with out me but he says he wants to be with me and loves me he just doesn't like the bad side of me. He wants the woman he wanted to marry. But if that is the case why am i feeling like a burden? I understand he is a paramedic and takes care of people all day and the last thing he wants to do is take care of people from home but i have injured myself really bad a couple times and he has me drive myself to the hospital and the other time he seemed bothered he had to take me cause they had to give me meds that would make me tired. Then when i had my hip done and broke my leg and i needed someone to get something for me i would ask him and he would pass it on to my 2 kids (7 and 13) and the 3 of them would argue over who was going to get that thing and give it to me cause I CANT WALK!!! HOW DO I NOT HURT AND HOW DO I STOP FEELING LIKE A BURDEN!! How do i cope and deal with a person who is so hot then cold when it comes to sex and feelings and wont express his feelings to be but can to others. He is a good man but i just wish i knew how to take things and not be so black and white and think like a guy, It is hard to go from growing up celebrating birthdays and all the other little holidays and see your parents do little romantic things for each other and then go to doing that stuff when we were dating to treating it like it is another day. I try to celebrate it but he either for gets and i prompt him to say something or he doesn't really care cause he didn't grow up that way. What can i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): It's good that you've been getting counseling to work on your issues and that you have an understanding of the dynamic in your relationship. That's a big step.however, some relationships are just beyond repair because there has been too much hurt, or the help (the counseling) and the positive changes came too late. that doesn't mean the counseling and your personal work was for nothing. It probably did improve a lot of things in your relationship and in how you feel about yourself. But the relationship, even though improved, might still be beyond repair. I guess once question is how long have you been on the mend now, as far as getting counseling and working on your relationship? If you've only just started recently, you could still have a ways to go so just hang in there. If it's been many years, and things are still unhappy at home, then it could be time to accept that some relationships are beyond repair despite making positive changes.
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