A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What steps can one person make to stop comparing themselves to other people? I find can have total confidence when I’m on my own with my partner but as soon as we’re around other people I believe are better/more attractive than me I convince myself he’s thinking it too and it breaks me. I get cripplingly insecure. No matter what he says to comfort me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2020): HiThe first step, if you are on social media platforms get off them! they are damaging to one's self-esteem and encourage us to compare ourselves to others, thus building a false image in our subconscious belief system.Secondly, accept that we are each unique individuals and he obviously was attracted to something about you, just let him be him and you be you and if you struggle to much with who he is, let him go.Don't try and change people, or hide from people, or avoid situations, face them head-on without fear and also appreciate other peoples uniqueness.You need to work on why you feel insecure, and not make his life difficult because of your weakness, be strong and sort it, you have some youth on your side. As painful as it may seem, it's got to start with you facing your fears and if they come true, then at least you have not hidden from them for years and find out too late. Trust people and yourself, if they ley you down move on.Try and enjoy been you!!!!! and let him enjoy you! not some wreck that actually crumbles BEFORE anything happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): You suffer from an obsessive self-conscientiousness. It happens to us all from time to time; because it's human to be competitive. Sometimes we're our worst critics. We can't allow others to constantly scrutinize or dictate to us who we are, or how we must be. Better yet, always striving to be validated or accepted by others. That is impossible!!!
A competitive-spirit has to be reined-in; when it makes you constantly compare yourself to others. When unmanaged, it becomes envy. It leads to narcissism and conceit; or you'll find yourself torturing others, because of your incessant jealousy and rivalry. You won't be able to ever turn it off; and that can drive you to a deep depression or despair. The frustration will become unbearable!
Like the fairytale Evil Queen discovered; there is always someone fairer and more beautiful. Each person bears their own unique qualities and attributes that sets them apart from others. We call that "individuality!" Comparisons only matter when you play sports, apply for your dream-job, or compete before a panel of judges. At least there's a prize or incentive! The futility of such a mindset is that there will always be a constant stream of competitive-candidates. Everywhere you look there's someone who will trigger you!
We are all raised and conditioned in a society that is always conscious of your looks and appearance, how smart you are, and how "better" you are than others. Then we have social media that gives everyone the means to advertise and display how perfect and better they are. You need to shut-off your devices, give your mind a break; and start telling yourself to chill-out! You don't always have to spend hundreds of dollars and hours on a therapist couch; whining about how you wish you were perfect. Nobody's perfect, and there is no pill or any amount of counseling and therapy that will make it happen!
You can't control what comes into your thoughts; but with self-control, you can regulate what stays there! You're cognizant that you compare yourself to others; that gives you the mindset to do something about it. Download an ebook, or buy a pocket-sized book on being self-conscious and how to control it. Pull it out and read it; when your mind starts spinning; conjuring-up visions of beauty pageants, or making split-screen images of you and the person you're threatened by.
Sometimes overzealous-parents raise their children by over-complimenting them, constantly telling them they're the best, over-encouraging them, and blowing their every tiny accomplishment out of proportion. There are others who do exactly the opposite. They shame and degrade them. Tell them they're worthless, or compare them ruthlessly to their siblings. When these children grow-up and get exposed to the real-world; suddenly they find-out there are others even brighter, stronger, taller, prettier, nicer, thinner, and richer than they are. They need to be recognized as special in some way. Welcome to reality! The world is happening, while you're living in your head!
You get to choose what you focus on in your life. You get to choose your ambitions and set your own goals. Some things go no higher than self-reward. That's all we deserve. Other people will be other people; but the person you are most responsible for is YOU! Your looks are what God, genetics, and biology gave you. You can't change or transform yourself every-time you perceive someone else to be "better." That's absurd!
It's best to be gracious and thankful for what the good Lord gave you. You are unique! Your skills, character, and qualities are recognized "independently" from others. You are bound to be outmatched! Such is life! Striving to be better than or as good as everybody is a contest you can't win. Give your mind a break, and concentrate on being kind, generous, forgiving, and pleasant. Be grateful for what you have. Give something back to your community. Self-focusing is conceited, and will drive you crazy! Others are not as concerned as you make them to be. Get out of your head!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 December 2020):
 You are not going to be the prettiest, smartest or most successful in EVERY situation. That is life and reality. Accept that. And BE you.
YOU are the one judging yourself and comparing, not your partner. He is probably more focused on having a nice or interesting conversation, socially networking.
So what if you are not the prettiest in the room? Or the "best"?
Do YOU compare all other men to your partner? To see if you can "upgrade"? If not, why? Why can he be himself but you have to try and be the best at all times?
How long have you dated?
Do he make comments about other women? That you internalize as a " I'm not good enough"? If not, then accept that he IS NOT comparing you.
People are uniquely their own person. YOU are you. I'm me. That person other there is himself/herself. You can't BE them, they can't be you.
You OBVIOUSLY have qualities your partner likes and feel they are a good fit with his own.
If there are areas you are perhaps not great at (like socializing) WORK on it. If this is a constant thought when you are out with your partner, then I think you need to figure out where this stems from.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): First you need to find out if your insecurity is in normal levels or if it's a part of a bigger problem.
Therapy could help you deal with both.
Just remember that we are all different. There are people how are better looking than us or smarter than us according to OUR standards, but then again, there are those who are not.
Nobody can give yous elf confidence you have to learn to appreciate your own qualities and understand your limits. If you are looking outside for validation you will always be at mercy of others.
So, try therapy, self-help books, meditation, mindfulness...
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