A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and I'm in a long distance relationship. I haven't had much experience before this relationship. My previous relationship (my first bf) lasted 2 months and was long distance as well. My current LDR has been going on for 2 years. He lives one side of the country and I live on the other side. We have a past, a present but I'm not sure about our future.We met online in a chatroom. I was 16 at the time- he was 18. Although it wasn't really me that he met, I mean it was me, but I pretended to be someone else. I changed my name, age, appearance. I used someone else's photos. This went on for 1 year until he found out I was fake. BUT I didn't know he found out.We got in a fight over something else and we didn't talk for 6 weeks. He finally messaged me saying he missed talking to me and we talked for another couple months acting like nothing had happened. He never told me he knew because he wanted me to tell him. To see if I had enough integrity in myself. I did. I couldn't stand lying to him anymore. So, I told him who I really was and we have been dating for 2 years. He forgave me and I love that about him. Sometimes, I still feel guilty about lying to him but he always comforts me and lets me know that he loves me. I usually see him 3 or 4 times a year. We really do love each other. I care about him more than anything and I know he feels the same way. However, I've emailed so many dating coaches and talked to my friends about this problem so many times. I've even broken up with him because I thought that was the solution. My problem is: I'm not sure what I want and I'm always wondering should I be experiencing my life and dating someone who lives 10 minutes from me instead of 3000 miles. Do I deserve better?I'll tell you a little bit about him. He's 21. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. Those qualities I like. He's honest, kind, caring, fun, and has a great sense of humor. He's handsome and I genuinely love him. He treats me well. He has a good relationship with his parents. He has good friends. He's not into politics or religion like me. We have the same morals. We're both good with our money. He's never cheated on me nor have I. He is well educated. He is smart. He loves animals. He does little things for me. He does favors for me. He does things for me to make me happy even if he doesn't want to do them. Now, there are some negatives to him too. He's lazy. He's been unemployed for a year. He's applying for jobs but I think he could try harder. He's very stubborn just like me. He stays home all day playing video games and watching TV. He's sort of social. He has a close group of friends but he's almost scared of people when we go out. He had social anxiety back in high school. He's not scared- I just think he doesn't know how to talk to people. He doesn't help out around the house.We did enjoy going to a beach together this summer and he washed dishes when I told him to. So i know he can do chores - he just takes advantage of his mom. And sometimes, he can be really annoying. He believes that girls like bad-boys so he should be one. I told him: I want a good guy- not a nice guy but a good guy. I'm pretty sure he's a good guy- he just acts like an idiot sometimes for attention or to get a reaction out of me. I'm not sure.So, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I love him and he is my first real love. I know your first loves are always the hardest. That's why I need your help. I know I"m the only one who can only figure out what I want but I was hoping you could help me do that. I think mostly, I'm just scared of hurting him again. I broke up with him last september because I wanted someone who didn't live 3000 miles away. But, I started to miss him again and he took me back. I know if I ever broke up with him again- I would never get another chance. When we broke up, his mom called me and asked what had happened. She is nosy. So, my dad seems to think that his mom had an influence on me getting back together with him, but I deny it because I don't think its true but maybe I'm in denial. I don't know. His mom is a lovely person and maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being with him Maybe I rushed into this and I never had time to discover myself. I'm honestly scared about living life without him if I do end things. Is his mom going to call me again? I won't even talk to him anymore- I've been talking to him for 3 years. It's going to hurt like hell. And I'm not sure if I should end it now or wait a couple years when he has a job and he's in better shape. Will I regret ending it with someone who is great to me and cares for me?Does it really matter if he is staying home all day or has a bit of a belly? Should I be dating someone who is not such an asshole and is more mature? Sometimes, I feel like I have to babysit him. We probably won't move in together for another 3-5 years. What do you think?Please give me your honest opinions. Be as brutal as you want to be, I need to hear the truth. Thank you.
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broke up, chat room, cheated on me, long distance, met online, money, video games Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): I can't give you advice on what you should do, but I can share my LDR experience with you. I met a guy a number of years ago, and fell in love with him. But the thought of the distance between us, and what each of us might be missing made me decide to end it and find someone else local. I stopped contact with him and for a few years we actually lost contact altogether. I kept thinking about "what if" I hadn't done that, and I missed him and still loved him. I did find someone else but I was miserable because he wasn't the one I really wanted. Eventually, me and my long-distance love found one another again (after I broke up with the local guy), and he had been feeling the same way I had.We are now together again and happier than either of us have ever been before. LDR's are incredibly hard, and not all people can do them. My only advice is really think and be certain about your decision before acting on it, because regret is a very hard thing to feel, I found it to be anyway. Good luck with it, I hope that whatever you decide brings you happiness you deserve it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): Him being without a job means he has alot of time on his hands so I guess your his focus and his mum knows this. She shouldn't be getting involved and ringing you though, he's not your responsibility, he's an adult.Your 19, do you really want to be tied to a somebody you only see 3 or 4 times a year? I know you love him but you will probably be in love a few times before you settle down and marryIf you really can't be together now or in the near future I would listen to your gut feeling and end it.If you have all these doubts then your not happy with the situation. But if you decide to finish it, mean it, stop all contact and if his mum rings tell her you have nothing to say and hang up.Then get on with your life and don't look back no matter how tempting.
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