A
male
age
41-50,
*oshimarine
writes:Here is my dilemma,About a year and a half ago I noticed that I had feeling for a female co-worker (I was actually her boss for a few months and came into my office almost every day to "vent"). She has since been promoted and I had an opportunity to transfer to a different department which was partly because of the feeling or "crush" that I was starting to have for her. The problem is that we are both married, she has two children of her own from a previous marriage and 3 from her current marriage and I have one, one that was stillborn last January, and we are working on our third. I'm trying my best to suppress these feeling, I have tried to limit any "alone" time with her and try to keep the conversations on a professional level, but as a former boss and the culture of the work environment I will lend my time and ear to let anyone vent. I don't know if she has feelings for me and quite frankly will make it much easier if she doesn't. I figured that given this much time the crush would die and with the loss of a child would bring me and my wife closer. It did for a few months, but now we are all but sleeping in separate beds.The romance is almost completely gone, Divorce is out of the question, I will not put my children through that. I can suffer through that for 20 years; put all my love and efforts towards my children if my wife does not return my love. How can I get over this other women? I tried to bury my feeling, but they seem to be getting stronger all the time. I seem to be fighting a losing battle. My wife had a little "fling" in our first year of marriage, nothing physical, just a bunch of internet chatting from a guy that lived close by. Of course I worked nights at the time. That's beside the point. I'm not looking for payback.I thought about telling this other women, but am unsure of the outcome. I don't really have friends so I don't have a someone I can vent to, my wife is weird and doesn't listen to me, but I will always listen to her. I feel like I just need to tell someone this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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male
reader, yoshimarine +, writes (19 January 2009):
yoshimarine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reponses. I can assure you that I will not be acting on any of these feelings. When I do think about the circumstances that we are in I know that are 100% stacked against a good outcome, and I feel guilty about even having the feeling which is why I want to get rid of them. Even if she came on to me, which she hasn't as far as I have noticed I couldn't recipricate, even if I wasn't married because she is. I know how her husband would feel because that is something I feel as I don't know if I fully trust my own wife. Maybe that's the problem?
As I said in my original question she had a "fling" in our first year of marriage. I was working 6 nights a week and on my one night off I would fall asleep next to her and I later found out that she was up chattin with someone all night long. I didn't immediately think she was doing anything wrong, but when I questiioned her about it she got really defensive, so I set the computer up to automatically archive the messages and I was kind of shocked. It wasn't anything explicited but there was a lot of underlining tones. Since then I haven't felt like I trust her and for the last 2 years she is seems to be very distant. We seem more like roommates rather than spouses, I am actually suprised that she is even pregnant. So I see that you are right that my wife and I need to get back to that we are spouses relationship as I think my heart is looking for a connection and when this co-worker is even talking to me and makes me feel like I matter, I am latching on. I just don't know how I'm going to get my wife to talk to me about this. She only works two nights a week at a hospital, but she is always gone. Thanks for your responses, wish me luck.
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