A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 12 years in May. My husband is currently overseas (he is a soldier) and I recently uncovered some emails between him and another woman. They are very playful emails, with not one mention of a wife or child. He continually tells this woman how much he misses her. I also found out that he has stayed at her house (he says it only happened once). When I ask if they have had sex, he keeps deflecting and not answering. He doesn't want me to speak to her because "it will only hurt you more and we need to get past this". He did admit to having feelings for her, but that they are "just friends". What do I do? I need the truth, but can't get it. I am a wreck. Please help me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mrjnee70 +, writes (10 April 2011):
I was married to my husband for 14 years and he is an officer in the Navy and while deployed, he fell in love with an enlisted girl in his squadron. He denied at first, saying some of the same things it sounds like your husband is saying. We have three children and this girl is almost 20 years younger than he and I. I feel your pain. My assumption is that he has had an affair with her, he does have feelings for her and when he says he doesn't want to hurt you by talking about it, what he means is - he doesn't want to talk about what a jerk he's been so he's hoping you'll drop it so he can just be off the hook. I wish you and I could talk b/c I was in your shoes and it's awful. I will pray for you and your child. My heart goes out to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has come forward and admitted that there was inappropriate touching. However, a couple of his co-workers just told me today that their relationship is common knowledge. Thank you to all who are helping me. It means so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): What he is doing is only prolonging "getting past it". you don't know what you have to "get past" yet. He is only protecting himself right now, in my opinion. He doesn't want you to find out the truth. He wants you to pretend it never happened because he wants to go on without dealing with reality or the consequences of his actions. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. from what you wrote, it really sounds as if he had an intimate relationship with her. Since he isn't opening up completely, you have to go on what you know. He said he missed her, told you he had feelings for him, and said he spent the night. Sleepovers for friends of the opposite sex ends in childhood for a reason. so from this you can assume he had an emotional and sexual affair with this woman. You can't make him talk by badgering him. But you can set your own boundaries for now. Contact with this woman should end immediately. He can't work on his marriage with you and continue to talk to a woman he has feelings for, it won't work. I agree that counseling would be helpful for you. Think about what you know now, can you learn to forgive that? Is he regretful and willing to stop what he is doing to fix your marriage, is he willing to go to counseling with you? I wish you the best and hope that your marriage can be healed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): By deflecting and not answering, he is answering you. He may never tell you, what you need to decide is, what do you want to stay and get past it as he puts it.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 April 2011):
 Hate to break it to you, but it would appear (and I could be wrong) that your husband probably had a relationship with this woman. He doesn't want to lie to you and the best way not to lie, is simply not to answer.At the very least, it sounds like he had an emotional affair with her and if he spent the night at her place, I can't imagine them not having sex. And I think his reply of "it will only hurt you more and we need to get past this" means that its best for you not to know.Let's face it the writing is on the wall on this one. At this point, for you, I suggest you find someone to talk to you on a professional level. I think they will help you sort out what is going on and give you the strength to make a competent decision on what to do next. Perhaps a minister, a professional counselor, someone you trust. Perhaps, when the time is right, the counselor will bring your husband in as well. I hope my assumptions are wrong and I wish you the best.
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