A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im in relationship from past 3 and a half years..... and we want to get married....my parents are not at all getting convinced for this... im facing lot of problems in convincing them bec my mom cries and my dad scolds me as its a question of prestige here....its been emotionally tough time for me to handle all this from past 1 year... v both are in job ... and im happy with him... and i want to settle down with him.....bec wat ever i say ..they will hav back answer to scold me saying i hav betrayed them...it hurts me wen they bec of me their health went ill....im just so tortured emotionally.... he is ready to come and speak but im not letting him to do so bec i dont want any mess to happen wen he comes to my house... can i get some suggestions in convincing my parents...its purely orthodox Indian family problem.... how can i win this situation????????? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): Not introducing the man you want to marry comes across as disrespectful and rebellious to orthodox traditional parents. You are creating unrest within your family home.
In most families, the parents want to give their blessings and want to know the man taking their daughter's hand in marriage. Whether they accept him or not, show them this respect. They may like him. He has to make an impression. They want to be respected, and you to carry on the traditions of your family heritage. Offer them this; and you may grow more favor in their eyes.
Your fear is that he is not someone they would choose for you. As daughters go, young women usually choose the extreme opposite of the type of man parents want as a son-in-law. That's just how it goes.
Being female, tradition would have it that they'd decide who they wish to marry their daughter, and father the children to carry on the family's DNA into the future. Parents often pick horrible matches. Cruel men, men who cheat, ugly old men, but they are happy; because they think they know what's best for you.
As you know, money and prestige outshines all things. They want bragging-rights, privilege, and name-recognition within the community. They want to show their prosperity and success throughout the family. Outshine their neighbors. Give a wedding of all weddings. They've dreamed that for you all their lives. So naturally they will be resistant to your choices and will not yield. As irritating and frustrating as it is, it comes from a place of love. It also comes from feeling unable to stop you from growing-up, allowing you to stop being their child. Knowing you have now become a woman, and no longer will be obedient. It makes them feel old and powerless.
It will be a battle of wills. They will still have to meet him no matter how they behave. They are your parents. They will never change; so at best you try to please them in some way. They will make you feel guilty, scold you as though you are a little girl, and go so far as to be cruel.
You have to please them to get them to be more flexible.
Tell them, you will take your time in deciding about marriage. Tell them you will take their wishes into consideration. That does not mean you agree.
Listen to their advice. Make peace, but continue to see your young man. Do not rush into marriage to prove a point. Just to prove your defiance. Sometimes young women discover it was not really love that drove them into the arms of a man; but running from their parents for refuge from their tyranny and pressuring. Looking for a way out of their family by any means. If this is not the case, you must prove to your parents that you have made a good choice.
How can they know that, if they have never met him?
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 I think you should let him come and speak to your parents. They need to see him, look him in the eye, ask him a lot of uncomfortable questions, to make sure that he is worthy of their daughter. Let him win them over. You can probably prepare him for what you think might happen in terms of questions and how he needs to be appearance wise and in his demeanor. In a weird sort of a way, this is going to be like a job interview (the job of being your husband, their son in law and a future family member). Help him to prepare for it. You know what they are looking for and what may turn them off. I think you need to face the fear and let them meet each other. I'm not sure if it's appropriate in your culture, but if he brings a nice gift for them on their first meeting, that may also add a nice touch. Again, you can guide him on what is the most appropriate gift to bring. Good luck! I hope it goes well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 Contact mr. Sanjoy Sachdev at " Love Commandos " in New Delhi. It's a group of activists who run an organization to support psichologically, advice legally, and help practically couples like yours, who want to contract interfaith or intercaste marriages in front of social / religious / parental ostracism.
Google them, they have an official website with contact numbers and all, and a phone helpline. They may be able to offer suggestions, and even mediation . As well as assistence with the bureaucratic complications if you do decide to go ahead and get married .
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