A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:why does my girlfriend always have knee jerk reactions and go overboard, over trivial matters?I am a not happy that every time we argue she adds men to her social network site, she has deleted them before but now says there is nothing wrong in it but will not contact them. So why do it?Am I so wrong, in telling her it is wrong? she also adds guys she knows will annoy me.When we argue she just ignores me will not answer texts or talk for days, and gets so angry, but she says she loves me...please help
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female
reader, Babydoll86 +, writes (11 May 2011):
Your girlfriend sounds like myself. I too have this problem with my boyfriend. I will hopefully give you some insight as to why she behaves this way.
I dont have facebook but i do constantly cause arguments and manage to spoil things just when were going great. I wind myself up and get so angry thinking about past hurt....have you ever hurt your girlfriend in anyway? If not, then it could be down to pain caused by somebody else. She is lashing out through insecurity- a way of testing you of your love for her. Its not that she doesnt love, care or respect you. Its an issue thst she alone has to deal with im afraid.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 May 2011):
 It's the way she argues, it's not good, but it's nothing to do with the amount of love she has for you. Be clear on that fact, do not take the arguments as proof of anything to do with love.
Ok.. She's a passive aggressive, she doesn't do confrontation and fight things out and forget about them after. Instead she knows what will hurt you, so she does it, so you can hurt and feel as bad as her.
Two ways of dealing with this type of negative behavior, and that's what it is, her way of dealing with anger in the best way she knows. She may have been taught to act like this from childhood, she may have been frightened to get angry and fight fair due to punishment from men she dated. Most behavior can be changed as it is purely bad habits.
1. Challenge her reaction to the argument, not what she is doing. If you challenge the internet men or silence, she will have excuses and she will also know she's has got to you and you are being punished. Say something like "babes, I know your angry, but why can't we talk about it. When you go and talk to internet guys I get jealous and hurt and I don't trust you any more". Ignore the internet guys, she's just trying to get a reaction. Like a child who refuses to eat their dinner. I always say, "never reward bad behavior", especially not with attention.
2. You can mirror her behavior. If it hurts you for her to have these internet men and to be left alone in silence, it will hurt her too. Make sure you explain very clearly what you are doing and why you are doing it. Tell her "honey, I don't like what you are doing, it hurts, and I don't like it. Please can you stop hurting me or I will show you how it feels"..
Then go do the same, get yourself some internet girls or leave the house and leave her to her silences. If refuses to accept your texts, then wait until she calms down and texts you again, reply to the message by sending "Texts should be a way of showing love but you use them to punish me, I don't want your texts anymore until I can trust you love me during good and bad times."
(lol..sorry a bit long for a text.... )
She is acting like a child, but that's all she knows. You must not accept this behavior, but explain to her with loving words and mirrored actions that it is no longer acceptable. Use "I" words, express your own feelings, "I feel hurt, I'm scared, I'm humiliated" and keep the topic to emotions rather than actions, so you don't end up with "you said, she said".
Pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey, it explains the different ways that genders communicate. You'll also find help on the internet. Look up "Communication in Relationship" and "Dealing with arguments" for suggestions on effective techniques you can use.
She won't change immediately. Like a child, you have to be firm and consistent about reinforcing what you consider good behavior. She will also not change for the better if you have problems with your own anger and communication skills and leave no space for her to voice her opinions, win some arguments or feel that she has been respected and listened too.
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