A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have quite a long story to tell here and I hope it's not too long. I am a happily married man of 37 (wife is 36). We have been together since high school. We always got along great! We also have an 11 year old daughter together. About 3 years ago my brother died and I went through an agonizing state of depression. I ended up getting in the habit of going to a local strip club quite a bit on lunches from work. One day, after going there for quite a long time (maybe 3 months or so), I was asked if I wanted to go to the "VIP" room and I accepted. I drank quite a bit when I went there and I ended up getting very close to this one woman. We didn't have sex but we might as well have because about 18 months ago my wife was diagnosed with the HPV virus which I must have contracted from the stripper. My wife, needless to say, was extremely upset. I downplayed the whole thing because I felt like she would probably leave me. Some strains of the virus cause cervical cancer. She didn't leave me and I felt like she had forgaven me. On a Sunday in November 2008 she was getting dressed in our room and she had seemed distant all weekend so I asked her if there was anything wrong. She told me that she didn't think that she could be with me any more because she felt like she didn't love me like a wife should. She also told me that she has been seeing someone since April 08'. It was someone she worked with. Well, they didn't work directly together but they work at the same company. They have been friends since she started working there ten years ago. I was obviously very upset. Over the next few days we talked a lot and we decided that we were going to try and work things out. Initially I had told her to continue just talking to the other guy because they were such good friends and he had expectations of her leaving me. He also intended on telling his wife about the affair and probably leaving her. He ended up telling his wife and obviously everythng hit the fan. After a couple of weeks of my wife and the other guy texting back and forth quite a bit it got to be too much for me to take. I asked her to stop talking with him because I just couldn't handle the fact that she was still talking to him. She agreed because she knows that in order for this "try" to work she would not be able to continue as friends with him. I read all the texts and it was all totally innocent. I trust her totally right now because we have totally opened up to one another. My wife and I always got along great but whenever she had a problem with something in the past with something I had done, or not done, I would dismiss it quickly. I would tell her that she shouldn't feel like that or that it was stupid for her to think that about me. I now know that I should have been more caring about her feelings and just took it in and apologized if need be. I should have been more attentive to her needs by just plain listening. Instead, I just dismissed all these things because I do not like confrontation. I know that my wife has never cheated on me before this. I feel like I started the ball rolling with my mistake I made. I want to heal this and make everything right again. We are working on it but I am hoping to get some advice or pointers on what to do?
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (24 December 2008):
 I had two ideas -- one you can act on today and the other with some planning. The first one is to go to the closest local bookstore and look for books by John Gray. He wrote the now famous "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book and series. What you two seem like you need is a quick fix to bolster your communications with each other. This book (or others in his series) might help to jump-start those links between you before they fade away. Avoiding confrontation isn't a way of dealing with the issues that surround you (and I'm speaking from personal experience here). It is eating you from the inside out.
The second suggestion is that you both get into marriage counseling ASAP. Find a therapist and together commit to an open explanation and dialogue about everything that's happened to date and (most importantly) all the emotions behind the events. This whole thing seems to have started with the death of your brother -- perhaps something that you didn't get an counseling on for yourself and didn't see the effects of... but it's not too late to deal with it now.
Best wishes... and I hope this helps in some small way. I really feel for you and hope that you can get things sorted out and dealt with openly... in fact, that's the only way that could save your marriage (IMO).
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