A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About 3 months ago, I recently got together with a friend of mine whom I've known for 2 years in university. We were really good friends and I had no motives back then but but something changed and we ended up getting emotionally and physically close.The problem is that she's attached to a guy for 3 years, 2 of those as a long distance relationship.From what I know as a friend of hers before and now as a lover, she's had many problems with him being immature, jealous and a control freak all the time. Any problems in their relationship are swept under the carpet and unresolved. He's also 4years younger and still has 5years of schooling to go before starting a career.With me, on the other hand, it feels like everything is complete. We work around problems and communicate. We feel intimately and physically close. We are both on our career paths together and compliment each others strengths and faults. She feels this way too. The feelings I have for her is something more than all my past relationships.She said that she would be breaking up with him and we could develop something between us and she's tried, but recently after the guy cried and pleaded and tried to fix things, she wants to give him another chance. She's suddenly focused on the good times, but I believe every r/s has their good times. It's about what's not working and what cannot be fixed that she should be focusing on. Where do I stand in all this? I feel like a bad person because I don't WANT to "steal girlfriends" but I know all these new promises the guy makes is out of desperation. How do I explain this to her without seeming so selfish?I feel like I can provide better for her because we're both not that young and she cannot afford to wait for him to finish schooling. I'm afraid for the fact that he might leave her in the future because of what we did.She's talking to him today to settle things (break up), but she says she'll try her best. She's never been good at hurting anyone intentionally.I want to be with her badly but I can't imagine losing her because she's not strong enough to break it off with him. I'm even at a point in thinking even if she didn't end up with me, she needs to think of her own future and not end up living in lies with him.Some input on my thinking and maybe a little advice on how I should keep my mind sane and what to do would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Thanks for the advice. It gave me peace of mind. :)
She left him already, but now she says she wants some time to be single before anything can proceed. I know she loves me and I love her deeply.
It's so hard to wait for her I've been getting exhausted and on edge. Time seems to be going so slowly and it feels like it's gonna be ages before I can call her my girl.. I feel like I'm turning into someone totally different from my usual "everything's fine" self. I have these doubts she might leave me in the end as well.
I want to give her the time she needs but I'm afraid of losing her and I just want us to be good together as soon as possible so our life can start. How do I stay strong in this situation?
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 You cannot do anything, this is her problem to deal with, alone. You can only wait.
I am sorry this is causing you so much pain. Perhaps there is something else you could try. Talk to her and make her realize that she does hate him for a reason. He is controlling, immature and obviously quite manipulative. She needs to learn that sometimes there is no avoiding emotional hurt. Sometimes it is necessary because whatever happens from here, someone is going to end up getting hurt and it will happen in one of three ways: Either he finds out about how she feels about you, she loves you too much to ever fully be devoted to this other man so she ends up leaving him or being torn between you OR, you leave and move on and in doing so, you hurt her. There is no way to deal with this without hurting anyone but, it is better to deal with it now than much later.
Show her this and make her realize that there is no avoiding it. Hopefully by now she would have already broken up with this man, hopefully by now she is enjoying her time with you.
I hope that helps.
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